but i want a golden goose daddy!

30 November 2005

i feel blah. have been for a while. sucky really. last weekend noel mentioned that we should pray for things we're thankful for and repent our sins but he also admitted that he didn't want to. i love the fact that i have such rock on pastors who can actually speak truths and lay sin on the table. i felt the same way. and by noel opening up, i didn't feel so alone. i want to be faithful and patient and used by GOD but sometimes i feel like i just get the crap truck backing up into my life and loading me up. which is such a poo feeling and it makes me mad. in reality, i'm blessed beyond belief. so, i'm really pissy because i'm not getting what i want. well now, isn't that a bit selfish. so i try to look at the crap in my life and see the lessons i need to learn. yeah, that's not happening either. i don't know, i guess i just feel like everyone else around me is flourishing while i'm stuck in cow doo doo. but what's sad is that the same people i think are flourishing are feeling stuck in the same doo doo. we're just all a bunch of screwed up selfish kids aren't we.


thank you k!

22 November 2005

check this site out if you like coffee!!


i'm trying to be patient and forgiving and non-resentful here, but am finding it increasingly harder. as much as i love my parents sometimes i feel my love isn't enough anymore to resist the feeling of cutting all ties with them. it's horrible of me to say, i know. but they try to cause as much damage in the two youngest kids as much as possible. and i'm not trying to play the wounded victim or jealous sibling here. i just wish that my parents loved us for who we've become, not compare us to my eldest brother.

in a message noel gave the other week he mentioned how damaging it is for parents to play favorites and it's so true. although i wish my folks loved the 3 of us equally, what i wish more is just to be loved for who i am and not to be compared to glory boy or being the blunt of all things wrong or not perfect in his life.

well, that mom was spewing out lies about me to my brother the other day. which is typical. pitting one sibling against another, so he put her in her place. but this is my dilemma...if i say something to her, which i think i should, she'll work her passive aggressive self all up and ignore me for months. which means the holidays would be a quite dreadful thing to endure. but if i wait, it won't be fresh and i may cave in and never broach the subject...i don't know. i just feel like she needs to stop this and i don't understand why it happens. I wish I know what she's trying to accomplish. Because in the end, the only thing she'll accomplish is having 1 child instead of 3.


19 November 2005

hmmm...just found out that i can hook in2 someones wireless at steve's house...this is fun, but i feel a bit guilty...

Which Action Hero Would You Be?

18 November 2005

hmmm..i think i have a problem...and who's maximus anyway???

You scored as The Terminator.

The Terminator can be good or evil. It just depends on who's manipulating his circuits. When he's evil, he's a killing machine. When he's good, he's---well, a killing machine. He often comes back in time to protect certain human beings from other Terminators. He has no sense of stealth or subtlety and will do whatever it takes to accomplish his mission. He has a curious penchant for sunglasses and seems to enjoy mimicking human slang.



Captain Jack Sparrow


The Terminator


Batman, the Dark Knight


Indiana Jones


El Zorro


Neo, the "One"


James Bond, Agent 007


William Wallace


The Amazing Spider-Man


Lara Croft


Which Action Hero Would You Be? v. 2.0
created with QuizFarm.com

apple anyone?

16 November 2005

i got an ipod baby! ohhh yeah! so check this out...i was telling my friend johnny how much i want an ipod but am 2 cheap to buy one and he says ' i have one you can have'. in utter disbelief he said that he bought one a few years ago and never used it. it looks brand new. he couldn't find the charger or computer hookups so i had to buy those on overstock so it's siting there all shiny on my kitchen table, calling my name...but i have to wait until my cables come...but how sweet!

i'm so stoked.

let the feast begin

15 November 2005

we went to a funeral yesterday. it was brutal. funerals are usually rough no matter what, but this was for a 39 year old who died unexpectedly in his sleep. not to mention he had only been married for 3 years and had a child less than a year old. it just sucks ya know. i know he's in a totally rockin place having the time of his life, but what a hard time for all his family. especially his wife.

it makes me think about life. how short it is, how precious it is. although there're times i want to throw my hands up in despair and quit, i'm not ready to leave yet. and when the day comes that GOD's ready to bring me home, i want to know that i made the most of each day with friends and family and outreach and love. i want to know that i tried and gave my best. not sat on my contunkus complaining about my job and the weather. i want to make a difference and enjoy the time i have here. i want to laugh and cry and run like a kid through the leaves without a care in the world.

the service was amazing. the pastor was saying how we try to make sense of this horrible loss, but we just can't. we can't wrap our arms around it and make sense of it. he compared it to matthew 16:21 when JESUS predicted HIS death and resurrection and peter said 'far be it from You, Lord; this shall not happen to You!'. the pastor said the disciples couldn't make sense of JESUS having to suffer and die, just like us when a loved one dies. although death is a loss we have such a hard time wrapping our minds around, we have to have confidence in GOD's perfect plan. we have to have confidence in HIS love and grace to pull us through and that HE is bringing our loved ones home.

not that knowing this takes away our pain or sorrow. but all I can do is send out prayers to sarah and her son joshua. and praise GOD for sending such a wonderful man to this earth, as short as his time was, he touched and changed the lives of so many and now he gets to party and rest and wait for all of his family and friends to join him in splendor.

trading spouses

10 November 2005

this makes me sick

what is it about this show that makes me sick and joyful all at the same time? the premise is you take two families that are completely different and switch the moms for 2 weeks. 1 week they have to comply with the families' rules and the next they get to make up their own. there's fighting and yelling and complete and utter disrespect but yet at the end, both families usually learn from their mistakes…and then the religious zealot comes into the scene.

this person embodies why i used to be so bitter towards "Christians". this is why i never wanted anything to do with the church. their blatant judgements and unlove still astound me. when i think of what CHRIST did on this earth, how HE cared for all of the lowly, downtrodden and untouchables it fills me with compassion. and yet here is just another 'christian' spreading the message of intolerance, hatred, judgement and condemnation in how many households across the world? google marguerite perrin and unfortunately you'll run into tons of bloggers saying this is why they stay away from the church. i know how they feel. the church has failed us in so many ways. there are some amazing churches in this fallen world, i was lead to one of them, but for the majority, they're producing belligerent, intolerant fools who spread the gospel of hate instead of JESUS' message of unfailing love, compassion and forgiveness.

i think it will always amaze me how self proclaimed 'christians' treat others. how ideals are shoved down peoples throat in the name of god. i think the minute marguerite perrin or the countless other belligerent 'christians' in this world open their mouth to let hatred fall out, JESUS cries. there is so much hatred in this world.

what's ironic, is the husband who had to be around this disrespectful woman was one of the most compassionate men that i've seen in a while. what's ironic is this man who is not a believer was 100 times more CHRIST like then the 'christian'. i can only hope that she'll learn from his action. maybe by looking at the actions of non-believer, we may become better examples of CHRISTs love.


09 November 2005

I'm a hypocrite. i'm constantly flappin my lips over the evils of wal-mart, how they and other big business are destroying america. taking away our small businesses and sense of community and replacing it with these self proclaimed discount stores. selling cheap crap made by people being raped of their dignity and family time because the only job they can find is one they make pennies an hour and work their fingers to the bone. i know all this and it makes me sick. but where was I last wednesday and then again yesterday? yeah…wal-mart. the place i loath most in the world…well…mcdonalds may be top on the list, but they're fighting a great 1st place fight!

so this is my problem. last week i decided to purchase a couple space heaters for my house. as i was searching on line, i found that wal-mart was 20 bucks cheaper. 20 bucks! ok…so i could pay $40 extra (remember, I was buying 2) to not shop at wal-mart, or cave in and save $40. then yesterday i was talking to our IT guy about wireless cards. he said he saw one in the clearance isle at wal-mart for $10. originally $40. so in the past week, i've saved 70 bucks buying 3 things. not to mention as i was walking out, i saw charlie and the chocolate factory deluxe edition dvd for $19 and other older movies for $4. but trying to be a good girl, i walked past.

so what do i do? i don't like wasting money on crap i can buy a lot cheaper at wal-mart. yet i don't agree with their business tactics. yet if i don't shop there, what happens to all the people working there? in actuality i'm support the workers, yet i'm also supporting big busniess going into the poorest areas of the world, paying people pennies to make crap to sell at wal-mart. where's the middle ground here? i'm conflicted.

i saw this prayer a bit ago.

07 November 2005

Cleanse me from these hidden faults.

Keep me from deliberate sins.