Asher week 46

30 April 2009

Asher week 45

Under my crib

29 April 2009

Have you guys seen this natural parenting auction site? I haven't throughly looked through it yet, but it looks super cool at first glace. Doens't look like it's getting much play...maybe it's still fairly new. Great idea!!

bath time frustrations

28 April 2009


Asher has always loved his baths. They've always been so enjoyable with loads of laughs and splashes. It's been great. Since he's learned to stand and now walk though bath time has become walk in the water time. I constantly have to sit him back down. But as soon as I sit him down, he's on all fours or up to standing. Does anyone have any suggestions? I've seen those bathtub seat those work? Or is this a phase that will go away quickly? It's already been 3 weeks of crazy bath time and I'm about ready to just have him go around being a sticky mess!

Suggestions??? Please!

Missing Jorai


I keep thinking about Jorai's birthday. She would have been 2 this year. I could have a 2 year old. I look at Asher and see what an amazing little boy he's becoming and can't help but to think about the kind of girl Jorai would have been. Would she have been a spitfire like her little brother? Would she be a brut and impatient like Asher or would she be a dainty lil' lady that's soft, gentle and patient? I can't wait to meet her. I can't wait to get to know her and hug her and kiss her. I can't wait to see her eyes and know their color. I can't wait to see Asher meet his sister and see their connection and love for one another. I know our meeting involves us dying, so of course I don't want the reunion to come soon. I want a full life with Steve and Asher...but thinking about being a apart of our family reunion in Heaven, brings me chills and an excitement I can't describe.

I miss you baby girl.

More sleeping updates

27 April 2009


After Asher's miraculous sleep from 8-7, the next night he pulled 8-6 and then went back down after nursing until 7:45. Last night he woke at 1, sat up and fussed in his crib for a few minutes and then laid back down and fell back asleep. He woke again at 3, so I went in to nurse him and he slept until 7. I think he's trying to keep sleeping at night, which has been nice.

I'm still working on our new naptime/bedtime routine. He's still standing up in his crib as soon as I lay him down, unless he's exhausted and falls asleep nursing. He fusses and then starts wailing, so I always go up to calm him down and lay him back down. I usually have to go up once or twice before he stays asleep.

Tonight he's waken up three times now in the past 30 minutes. He's woken up crying, he sits up and cries for about a minute and then lies back down asleep. strange.

So, the sleep routine and training ensues. I feel as if I'll be working on this for years. It seems, at least for the past 10 months, as soon as we get a routine down, he changes things back up. Our next battle is to start working on getting him down without nursing, but I want to wait until he's a year before we do that. I'll still nurse him, but I don't want it to be the last thing he does. I think it's time to start letting Steve put him down. I need a break!

aesthetics or functionality?

Steve and I are finally putting in a veggie/fruit garden. We've been talking about it for a few years now, so I'm excited to finally get it in. The problem is that we can't decide on aesthetics or functionality. So I'm asking all of you...which would you pick?

One option is to make 2 triangles. They look super cool. I could walk in-between them to harvest and I could separate the items a bit better. The bummer is that the total footage would be smaller, the beds would be harder to make and harder to put up and draw back a border of chicken wire.

The other option would be to make a simple, but large rectangle. It would hold tons more, would be easier to make, easier to border and did I mention hold a tone more? The only 2 problems would be that it would be harder to harvest the middle of the bed, not too bad...but harder, and the biggest thing is that it wouldn't look as cool as 2 triangles. It's the bigger option which truly is best...but it just doesn't look as cool...

what do y'all think,
aesthetics or functionality?

Well, a couple hours later and I read this from a gardeners blog....but why do I still want the aesthetics??

Last year we designed, built, and grew our first vegetable garden in our new home. The garden was made of two large beds that were subdivided into 3 smaller conjoined beds in an "L" shape. Unfortunately the vegetable garden design was built more around aesthetics than around function. Since then I've realized something: When designing vegetable gardens think function first aesthetics second.

sleeping milestone

25 April 2009


As I'm sure it was a fluke and may not happen again for a long time...Asher slept straight through the night last night for the first time! He went down at 8pm and slept straight through to 7am. Of course I nursed him and tried to get him back down for an hour or so, but he was alive and kickin'. I actually woke at 5 regardless and felt the urge to go check on him to make sure everything was still I still didn't sleep through the night, but oh well. It's not about me these days anyhow!

Good job baby boy!!! Keep up the sleepy sleeps.


23 April 2009

I just realized that if everything falls into place...or connects...or comes together...however you want to look at it...I could be pregnant again in 8 weeks. Crazy. Am I ready? Would I ever truly feel 'ready'? There are parts of me that feel ready. And thinking that I would have an additional 8 months after that I think we'll be set...but Crazy. Can I handle 2 living children? I feel as if I'm just getting the swing of things, but I hear the second child you bring home is tons easier in the sense that it's not all so new. You know more, you're not so nervous and fresh. I guess it just seems so crazy to think about it.

Last year I was still worried that I'd lose Asher too. There was a part of me that never thought I'd deliver a living child, and now I'm thinking about carrying another baby. Will I be as apprehensive as I was with Asher? Will I be checking for blood every minute of the day? Will movement and pangs and emotions take over my life again or will my apprehensions be lessened with the day to day ongoings of Asher? It's all so crazy to think about. I'm excited about the possibility of getting pregnant again, but I'm apprehensive about it. Could I go through another loss? Is it worth it? I know that sounds horrible to say, but losing a child is gut retching. I seriously don't know if I could go through it again. I think it would change me in ways I'm not ready for. But is the joy and blessing of another child worth the risk?

I want so much to give Asher a sibling. It would bring me so much joy seeing him play and grow and learn and love a sister or brother. I want so much to blessed with another living child. To love another child and watch them love, would be incredible. Can I do this? In 8 weeks, can I really do this? I mean I know it'll probably take us a few months to actually become preggers, but am I ready for the pregnancy? Can I handle it?

I can't believe that Asher will be 1 year old in 7 weeks. 7 weeks! This past year has been a whirlwind. It seems years since I was last pregnant and yet it was only a few months ago. I would absolutely love to be pregnant again, to give birth again and to watch another child grow and learn and laugh. I can't describe how much joy that would bring me. It just scares the hell out of me too.

It took 30 minutes


but he's down! I nursed Asher at 10:15 and placed him in his crib half awake. Within a few minutes he fully woke and stood up in his crib but as always he was just crawling around talking to himself. So I just let him be. It was hard. Harder than I thought it would be. He was fine and mostly happy, but he kept calling 'mama'....'mama'....He fussed a bit too. Never any crying, just fussy grunts and then silence. Silence within 30 minutes. I couldn't see him in his monitor so I went up to check on him and he was fast asleep at the end of his crib. Crazy. Now to see how long he naps for.

I guess my little boy is just growing up and I need to start transitioning him
out of the 'baby' realm of life and into toddlerhood. I miss napping with him and bringing him into bed with me in the morning. Now I have to give up our rocking to sleep routine...I know I need to embrace these stages because that's how life's going to be with a child...a constant growing up phase...but I already miss my baby boy. He's getting so independent and he's only 10 months!!!

Sweet baby boy, can mama just bottle you up and save you forever? I know each phase is going to be so cool and I already can't wait to sit in the rain for your soccer and t-ball games...but you're just getting there so fast! Promise me you'll always be my little boy. Promise me that you'll let me snuggle with you even when your 10 and I'm totally uncool. I love you sweet baby boy!!

Sleepy question

22 April 2009


Asher is starting to play in his crib at naptime if he's not exhausted and falls asleep nursing. What do you lovely ladies do, or did you do with your 10-12 month old, if they decided to not sleep but play in their crib?

He's happy. He's not crying...he's just hanging out, walking back and forth, talking to himself, taking off his socks...anything but falling asleep. I have been going in there after 15 minutes or so to nurse/rock him down because I'm not sure if he'll put himself down. After talking to a friend just a moment ago, she suggested that I just leave him to see if he does calms himself down. If he's not crying why not, right?

I don't know why I haven't done that yet. It seems silly now as I'm typing this...I guess I'm just used to nursing him and placing him in his crib almost asleep and him just falling asleep...not this crazy energy boy!

Do you all think I should just let him play and see if he puts himself down? How long should I leave him? If I go back in and nurse him after 15 minutes or so, he falls asleep in my arms, so I know he's sleepy. What do you think?

walking trauma

21 April 2009


Asher's walking! It's all a bit soon and crazy, but he's walking! I never thought I'd have a 10 month old walker...but I do. He loves his new freedom...but he also gets VERY frustrated when he falls...and I've turned into a basket case, riddled with fear.

Since Saturday his mouth has bled 3 times. 3. Yesterday he was bleeding so badly I almost took him to the ER. But it stopped and he seemed fine. He keeps falling into things...mainly tables or chairs. Always face first of course. When he's on carpet with a wide open space he'll fall on his butt...but if there's something in front of him...for some reason, he'll lunge forward hitting his head. I haven't seen blood coming from my son since his heel pricks when we had to check his bilirubin levels and now in 4 days he's bled so much, that both him and I have been covered. It freaks me out.

Just 30 minutes ago he fell when holding onto his sippy and the straw part poked him in his eye. Well, really his lid, but he wouldn't open his eye for about 5 minutes and then he'd only open it part way. Now he has this huge purple scrape on his eyelid. Thankfully the straw was bendy. I just don't know what to do. He loves to hold stuff when he's walking, but obviously that's not safe and he loves walking...but he's having a rough go with that lately.

I feel like I need a huge gerbil ball to put him in so he could walk and not get hurt, or maybe a padded cell. Is this a normal phase for boys? I see his little girlfriends walk and they're so careful and dainty. Asher is like a drunken sailor that just can't sit still and HAS to be lugging around something to show off his brut strength.

I just can't handle it. Yesterday I thought about taking him to the ER and have been worried about his teeth ever I'm worried about his eyesight. He seems fine, but it's freaking me out. Any suggestions or is this just a phase?

Asher week 44

20 April 2009


Asher week 43


Dr. Sears on biting

19 April 2009


This is what Dr. Sears says on biting when nursing...but my questions still do you remain calm after the 100+ bite? How do you calmly place your child in their crib and not make it punitive when all you want to do is cry and scream?

Babies do bite the breast that feeds them. As soon as those pearly whites begin to painfully bother her gums (can begin as early as three months), she naturally turns to her favorite pacifier - mom. What's even more startling is the irritating little nip that comes just as you are feeling the effects of your natural tranquilizing hormones, as if being jarred out of a light sleep. Try these suggestions to lessen biting:

* React appropriate to how it feels. "Ouch!" you holler as you pry those little baby jaws apart with your fingers to preserve your precious, tender piece of flesh. Once you've rescued your nipple, watch baby's face. Sensitive babies will cry at mother's reaction. Calm her and immediately resume nursing. When she bites again, react the same way. Eventually, baby will associate biting with an undesirable reaction and will stop biting.

* End the feeding. When baby bites and you prematurely end the feeding, baby associates biting with the end of a feeding, which acts as another deterrent for her continued biting.

* Pull baby close. Instead of the yank-and-yell response, which you may intuitively feel like doing, as soon as you sense baby's teeth coming down to bite, draw her in close to your breast and she will automatically let go in order to open her mouth more and uncover her nose to breathe. Don't try to disengage your nipple from the clenched teeth. Your baby will lessen her bite as she realized that she can't both bite and breathe. After several times of this counter-instinctive trick of pulling your baby in close to you when she bites, your baby will realize that biting triggers this uncomfortable response and she will stop biting. Remember, your goal is to discourage her from biting, not to frighten her.

* Reserve a protective finger. Once you know your baby is in the biting phase, keep a finger in the corner of her mouth, ready to break the suction if you sense her starting to clamp down.

* Try the pull-off-and-put-down technique. If baby bites, immediately disengage her from the breast and put her down, not in a punitive way, but with enough firmness that she makes the connection between biting and being put down.

* Provide an alternative. Teething creates the urge to chomp, and anything that enters her mouth is fair game. Keep some teething toys in the freezer, such as a frozen banana or a washcloth, and let her chomp on these before, or at the end of a feeding. If you know from experience that biting comes at the end of the feeding, let her finish her sucking on your finger or a cool substitute.

These techniques will teach your baby breastfeeding manners and also preserve your nipples.

my breaking point


I'm on the brink of losing it every time I try to put Asher down for his nap. He used to be such a great sleeper. I could nurse him, place him awake in his crib and he'd fall asleep. It's now a wrestling match almost every time. It starts with biting. Over and over again. No matter what I do, he continues to bite me. I pull him off tell him no biting, that it hurts mama and then latch him back on; I yell...loudly NO! NO BITING!!; I pull him off and put him in his crib and leave for a few minutes; I've even flicked his cheek. But he continues to bite me. He will now even look up when he's doing it so he can see my reaction. A few times I've pulled him off, he's actually look at me and chomped his teeth down as almost to intimidate me with his chompers. Then, when he's finally given up his biting techniques and finishes nursing, he will fight me holding him as I try to rock him to sleep. So I lay him down in his crib and he cries. I pick him up and he starts fighting my snuggles again. I lay him back down, tell him I love him but it's time for his nap and leave his room but he immediately stands up in his crib, jumps up and down repeatedly either laughing or crying. This goes on for up to 30 minutes. I go in, settle him down...he wrestles me the entire time, so I lay him back down and he stands up. Over and over again. Sometimes he'll even throw in a bite or 2 on my shoulder for good measure.

When I've all but had it and have seriously considered closing the door and leaving my house so I can't hear him (No, I really won't do this, but the thought has entered my brain.) I try one more time. And usually though he fights my holding him, which he used to love, he's so tired he can't fight anymore and plops his head down on my shoulder. He'll then sleep for up to 2 hours. That part is nice.

What can I do? If it was just the fighting I think I could handle it but the biting is killing me. I know it's gotta be hard for him as he chews all his food so why shouldn't he be able to chew while nursing, but I know he knows better. I'm just at my breaking point. I want to continue nursing him, but I'm seriously thinking about giving it up. This has been a 2 week struggle and it's really, seriously starting to wear me down. I'm resenting him. I used to love our nighttime and nap time nursing and now, I dread it. I wonder if it will be a good experience or a dreadful one. I want Steve to do it, but Asher's never gone down without nursing so how could I just take it away from him all at once? And I truly believe that I would miss it as much as he does. I'm just not ready to give this up yet. I love our closeness. I love knowing that he needs me and wants me. He wants to nurse and he's just too young, in my opinion, to take it away from him...But how do I change this biting behavior? What am I doing wrong? I feel like I have this wonderful little child all day with the exception of getting him down to sleep. It's draining me. I've had to leave him in his room to calm myself down. I hate that feeling. The feeling that I'm about to do something I'm going to really regret if I don't leave the situation at once. I shouldn't have this feeling with my child. I should have this abundance of patience and understanding and knowing surrounding me at all times...shouldn't I? I shouldn't have to leave the room of my screaming child because all I want is to lash out. I feel like a failure.

the life of a mama

11 April 2009


Before kids, I thought I had it all worked out. How I'd be as a mom, the choices I'd make. I'd look at other moms and think, 'I'd NEVER do that'...but then Asher graced my life and all my 'plans', all my thoughts about parenthood flew out the window and my life completely changed.

I have no alone time...I relish my minutes that Asher is sleeping, yet that brings on a guilt I can't describe. I can't wait until the weekend comes because then I have help and can 'enjoy' my day more...but just typing that brings on guilt! I worry about how Asher is growing, how he's developing. I'm constantly comparing him to other peoples kids and then think 'Shouldn't Asher be able to do that yet?'. My sex life has changed. My conversations with my husband have changed. Simply put, our entire relationship has changed and it's taken a lot to get used to. We're starting to re-connect and find our way back to normal conversations, but It's been hard. I just realized that I don't even remember the last time I hugged him. I mean, really hugged him. The kind of hug that just feels so damn good. Yea, I've given him the 'hi hunny, please take the kid' hug, but not the 'I've missed you so much and am so glad to see you' kind of hug in forever.

Why am I telling you all of this? Because it's the truth. I want you all to know that I love my amazing little boy with all my heart. He cracks me up. I miss him if I'm away from him for more than 30 minutes. It's ridiculous. As much as I love his bedtime, by the time 10 rolls around I'm in need of another Asher hug. He has filled my life in ways I can't describe. But he's also make my life crash into a cement wall and I'm trying desperately to pick up the pieces and superglue them back together. I'm telling you this, because I think a lot of mama's feel the same way, but for some reason we don't talk about it.

I have a great group of girlfriends and we are all super open about our feelings and struggles. And thank God for them! If I didn't have them in my life, I would feel so alone! So, thank you girls! But I also know women who paint a rosy, picture perfect life for every one to see and I know they're feeling the same way I do. If you're reading this and want to talk, email me!

Katie told me about a book one day and I finally got around to checking it out from CADL. It's called 'I Was a Really Good Mom Before I Had Kids'. I've only read the first chapter, but I already know what I'm going to give all my friends who are pregnant. Not to read anytime soon...but to sit on the shelf for the day where you realize 'Boy do I love this child of mine, but what ever happened to me? Where am I? How did my relationship with my husband get here? Is this normal?'.

It's so refreshing to not feel alone. It's so refreshing to know that I'm not a crap mama. It's refreshing to know that other women feel these things and struggle with life and the choices we, as mama's make. If you haven't read this book, I suggest looking it up. And to all you mama's out matter how you raise your kids, what you feed them, if you let them watch TV, if you homeschool or private school or public school your kids, if you close your bedroom door and slowly drink a glass of wine because you child is testing your every nerve...You're not alone...and you're not a bad mama. We've all been there and it's time to start lifting other mama's up rather than stomping them down. Let's stop the judging both of others and ourselves. Let's stop the lies we tell others about how together we have it all. Let's band together, learn from one another, laugh together, cry together and mostly just be real with one another. Let's let go of the things we can't change and work on things we can. Let's be grateful for all that we have, love on our little people as well as our husbands...but let us not forget about ourselves. And always remember, you're a good mama.

Do simple swing sets even exist anymore?

05 April 2009

I'm continually amazed at how much info is available on the web when you don't need it and how difficult it is to find info when you want it. A few weeks ago I bought Asher an infant swing to hang from our tree. When I came home to install it, I realized that there isn't a limb to hang it from. Ya gotta love planning!

I quickly got on the web to see how much a simple swing set was. Ya know, a small wooden one that has 1 or 2 bells, no whistles. Something a bit like this:

Well, not only is a small swing set hard to find, but boy, are they expensive! Most of the ones you can buy are those huge jungle gyms with climbing walls and forts and crazy play structures. Something like that would be wonderful, but since I don't have $2000 to waste, and Asher really only needs a structure to hold his $23 swing, I thought that maybe Steve and I could make our own. We're not that handy of folk, so we knew it may be daunting, but they look pretty easy to make. To me, they just look like over sized sawhorses.

I got on-line this morning to search for plans, but I can't find 1 single free plan! You can buy a plan for $50. $50! Seriously?!? All I want is a simple swing set that won't cost me an arm and a leg and I can't find one. Not even a plan for one. This is just plain silly. Maybe I should just find a plan for a sawhorse and super size it! Any suggestions? Should we just shell out the $200 for a small wooden swing set, or should we build one ourselves? Does anyone out there have a free swing set plan we could take a gander at? This really shouldn't be this hard! Why is the internet failing me right now? And why are swing sets so blasted expensive?