Showing posts from June, 2008


i'm having a rough day today. it started good, but now i'm just bummed. asher's rash is getting worse. which makes me think we are dealing with thrush. my right breast hurts quite a bit too. it comes and seems to get worse towards the end of the day, with shooting pain even after the feeding is done. it's just strange because my left side doesn't hurt. and i guess i just thought that if i had thrush, both sides would hurt. i also noticed a small white spot in ashers mouth today. he wouldn't open for me again, so i have to wait until he open wide again before i can check it out again...then the bad news...his bilirubin levels went back up. we're back in the 15's. 15.6 which pretty much proves that i have breastfeeding jaundice...which means i have an enzyme in my breast milk that prevents asher's liver to properly remove the bilirubin...which will probably mean that i'll have to supplement with formula for 48 hours...which su…

asher pics~week tres

see the individual photo's with commentary here.

time management

i'm really starting to realize how difficult it can be to be a mom who gets anything done, let alone can get herself done. it seems as if the moment i get a moment to myself, i need to eat...since it's been hours. so i make something to eat, but as soon as it's done, asher's up and wants to be fed or held. so the food stays on the stove. then another naps comes and i make a mad dash to the wash or try to pick up the house only to grab a glimpse of myself in the mirror and realize how hideous i look. with my hair all matted and still in the same clothes as i was 3 days ago, asher wakes up. another feeding, another diaper change...maybe some cool awake time and then cuddle time followed by another nap...then there's a i eat, finish the laundry, pick up the house, or do something with myself? oh, wait, that was a quick nap! asher's crying again...

then with the days where i have an appointment...trying to get ready, get asher ready and get out …

good baby news

asher'sbilirubin is down to 14.4! 14 is the magic number...we're not fully there yet, but the doc is hopeful and has taken us off the bili-light and stopped the heel pokes until monday. hopefully monday he'll be way below 14 and we'll never have to deal with the bili-blanket again! at least, that's what i'm praying for.

he's also already up to 8lbs 10ozs...he gained 4 ozs in 2 days! yikers!! this boy can eat. in fact today he's been in a fit to be tied, which is bizarre, since he's usually so laid back, and all he wants is to eat and be held. mostly eat. i don't even know if he's getting anything because he's feeding so often...but i let him eat anyway.

i'm not sure, but i may have the beginning signs of thrush. i guess you can get it from taking antibiotics. the doc says asher's fine and i look good, but since i'm sore and a bit red, i've started on probiotics to up my good bacteria. we'll see if that helps.

jeremiah 1:5

have you ever thought about the scripture in jeremiah that says "I knew you before I formed you in your mother's womb. Before you were born I set you apart and appointed you as my spokesman to the world." God spoke those words to jeremiah, but do they reflect on all of us? did He really know all of us before we were born? does He really have plans for us all? if so, why does He take babies away before they're born. if He knows them, why create them in the womb only to take them away before they're born?

i know these are questions i'll never hear the answer to until i get to ask the Man Himself...i'm just curious. did he know Jorai? did he know Jayden and Charlie? did he have plans for them? steve likes to think that maybe He takes the babies that He wants to stay pure, untouched by this fallen world. that explanation makes me feel warm and fuzzy. to think that Jorai will never be tainted by this world...but then does that mean that He cares more…


it's 9pm and we're alone! we're in our house and it's quiet and all ours. i know my mom in law hated to leave. this is her first grand child and she's super excited about him. but it feels so good to have my house back. i was starting to get flustered and emotional with always having someone here. i know that sounds totally selfish and bad of me to say, but it's true. i'm glad we're finally alone. i'd still love friends to come and visit, but there's something totally different about that. they leave. i don't wake up to them in my house. i don't have to cater to them and clean up after's good to be alone.

i'm going to a leleche league meeting tomorrow. i'm taking asher off the blanket for 2 hours. i think he'll be fine. i'll just double dose him in the sun tomorrow. it'll be very, very nice to get out of the house!

jaundice update

asher's jaundice level was 15.8 today. it was 15.6 yesterday. this is really getting frustrating! we got him in the sun twice already today and the rest of the time he's been tethered to the bili-light. he's still eating like a champ, obviously since he gained another 1.5 ounces since yesterday...i just wish he could get off this light. we're still going to the e.l. concert series on friday to hear brandon and laura play and going to riv on saturday whether they want us to stay on the light or not. i need to get out soon or i'll go crazy! plus, i know he's healthy and doing great. since he's got tons of energy and a healthy appetite, i know he's doing well...if he wasn't so hungry or if he was lethargic, i'd be more concerned...but maybe we won't have to worry about the weekend. maybe he'll be down to 14 by friday. they're giving him a day off on the blood draws. thanks goodness. his poor heals look so bad. our next draw…

better dayz

it's amazing what a few hours will do for a mama's emotional turmoil. i hot shower, a brief talk with my amazing husband and a few hours of shut eye and voila! asher's latch on seems to be better, which is a relief! i still have a little discomfort, but i'm not ready to scream when he latches on, and i'm not ready to fall down in a temper tantrum and cry. i know i'll have another breakdown, probably soon...but i just have to remember this feeling and know that the breakdown will pass.

my mom in law is leaving tonight. is it bad of me to say that i can't wait? we haven't been alone since we got into the hospital 13 days ago. and though my folks were a huge help and we got along swimmingly, which is surprising, my mil was mostly interested in holding asher. which didn't help me much at all. so i'm just really excited to get my son back and start figuring things out on my own without having to make breakfast for my mil.

as i write this i re…

emotional basket case

i've cried 3 times today...over little things. i feel silly and discombobulated and exhausted. i want a stiff drink. i don't know if it's the loss of hormones, or lack of sleep, flaming nipples (or i guess ya call them tits), the whole jaundice thing or just feeling out of sorts since i haven't had my house to myself in 11 days. but i'm emotional. big time.

i don't know if i'm doing something wrong or if asher is latching on wrong, but i never knew breast-feeding could be so painful. i want to cry every time he latches on. i'm not bleeding nor do i have sores, but it's so painful, i now know why some women quit in the first few weeks. i'm going to a leleche league meeting on wednesday, so i hope i can get some support there.

on the diaper front, i have really enjoyed the bum genius diapers, but i have to admit that the kissaluvs, that got such good ratings for newborns, i really don't like so much. they soak up the urine but i feel like…

the boy can eat!

my wee lil' boy gained 6 ounces in 2 days. wowza! he's up to 8lbs 5ozs. 12 days ago, he was 7lbs 12 oz. 9 days ago, he dropped down to 7 lbs 5ozs...they've been watching his weight because i guess jaundicy babies have a hard time gaining weight...looks like asher is just fine!

he had another heel poke today. i think he's fed up with them now. he was pretty pissed off. which i would be too..he's been poked over 10 times since being born. his little heels have multiple poke marks. i feel for the boy. i'm hoping for a small bili number today. i'll post when i find out the results.

asher update

i want to get outside and walk off some of this baby weight! but since asher is still hooked up to this bili-tether, i'm stuck inside. although it looks like we may actually have some sun come through the clouds today so we'll be able to get outside for some real uv treatment.

i'm feeling frumpy. my tummy is more jiggly than i thought it was going to be. of course both of my sister in laws were the girls who could fit into their pre-pregger pants the day they left the hospital...and, well, i'm not going to be like that...unfortunately. some of the hospital pics show my lovely double chin i grew with that doesn't help the self esteem. not that i'm complaining. i'd have gained 100 pounds as long as asher came out healthy and happy...but i do feel frumpy.

we spent 2 hours at sparrow lab today getting another blood sample from asher to check his bili levels...they're still at 16. i'm starting to get frustrated. tomorrow night will m…


my father in law just asked me if my tits were sore.

my tits...

how do i respond to that?

not only is that a very awkward question to ask your daughter in law, but to also use the words tit...

i'm tired and a bit emotional, so my response probably wasn't the best...but i told him that i don't talk about his penis, so he shouldn't talk about my breasts...but yes, my nipples are tender.

how awkward...

asher pics

here are some pics taken over the past week...i can't believe he's 9 days old already!! what a big boy! btw, he's was up to 7lbs 15ozs this morning and his bili-rubin is down to 16.5...we have to continue the bili-blanket for the weekend and go to the hospital both saturday and sunday to get his blood drawn...but i'm hoping that monday will be the end of this. a girl can always hope.

enjoy the pics...

to see the actual pics, go here

Jorai and asher

i see Jorai in asher. when i look at asher's face i see Jorai's features. it makes me wonder what she would have looked liked if she lived. it makes me wonder what her temperament would have been like. what our lives would have been like if she lived. but then i feel a bit guilty because if she would have lived, my beautiful boy wouldn't be here. and i would never want to change that. it's such a hard thing to be a mama of a child who didn't make it out of the womb alive. you miss the child and want them back, but if they were here, you wouldn't have the blessings you have today.

asher is an awesome baby. totally awesome. i could stare at him for hours, kiss him all day and talk to him all night. i love him with all my heart. it amazing. he's amazing. i wouldn't do anything to not have him here...but i still miss my baby girl too. and looking at my beautiful sons face, i see my beautiful daughter. and that tears at my heart a bit.

but the…

jaundice update

i hit another bottom, but then it was ok...

when we went to the doc this morning she told me that i'd have to start giving asher supplemental feedings of formula for the next 24-48 hours. ugh, i was devastated. our doc thought that we had the breastfeeding form of jaundice which i guess happens in a few people who have an enzyme in their breast milk that hinders the breakdown of bilirubin...i was so mad...

so she prescribed me a breast pump and supplemental nurser and my mom and i made our way to the med. supply place to pick them up. my insurance didn't cover a breast that was going to be almost $100 and then the supplemental nurser was going to be about $50. even more angered, i called the doc back and asked what to do...the nurse told me to leave because she didn't want me to spend that much for 2 days of breast pumping and that she'd talk to the doc.

in the car on the way home, my home nurse called to tell me that asher'sbilirubin was down to 17! he…

jaundice update

although i was optimistic this morning when the at home nurse came to check on asher and thought he couldn't be more than 18, when we got our results back he was actually 20.9. yesterday his bilirubin was 20.6. so he actually went back up a bit. the doctor wants to see him tomorrow morning, so we'll see what she says. i'm pretty bummed. he was looking so good and he's still eating and pooping like a champ...i just don't know why it's going up. i want to be able to take him outside but he's attached to this silly bili-blanket contraption with a 3 foot cord. i want him to get better. please pray for him. i'll give y'all an update after our doctors appointment tomorrow.

other than that, i'm trying to adjust to momma's hard to get all together with a little one! and really, i just spend my days staring at this wonderful child of mine.

jaundice and such

asher has jaundice. bummer. his bilirubin was 10 when we left the hospital which is normal, but it was 22.5 on monday. we had to get a bili-blanket for him which is this ultra-violet light thing he has to have on his back 24/7. it's attached to a machine that makes it run so i have to lug it around every where...but it seems to be working. his bilirubin was down to 20 today and he had only been wearing it for about 17 hours. our doc was nervous about the initial high level so she asked for us to get a cbc and blood culture. she was worried about infection since i was group b strep, but all seems ok.

i had a bit of a meltdown today...scared of the outcome of all of this...but i'm better. i just feel bad for my boy. he continually has to get poked and prodded and i just hate it.

other than that, these past few days have been wonderful. i never thought i could be so in love. asher is a snuggle bunny. he'd rather be held than anything else. when i try to put him in …

asher's birth story

Image all started at 3pm on wednesday june 11th, 2008. i decided to take 3 tablespoons of caster oil. and to be honest, i'm not sure if that really did anything or not...most of me thinks i was simply ready to go,but i'll never truly know. after eating my shake with caster oil i got on my birthing ball to bounce. after bouncing i rolled to the front to squat and watch a bit of tv. as i was squatting i immediately came to notice that there was a lot of pressure in my nether regions. so much so, that i had to change positions because it felt as if a bowling ball was falling though my vagina. but for some reason, i pushed it off as nothing and went about my day.

at about 7:30 steve and i headed downstairs to enjoy some thai food and a movie. as soon as i sat down, i felt a small gush of liquid and a contraction started. neither was big. the contraction felt the same as they always mild menstrual cramps and the gush was strange but nothing huge. i quickly realized t…

i did it

i finally did it. i wasn't going scares me to think of what may be coming...but i did it.

i just downed 3 tablespoons of caster oil.

from what i've read, you should take 4-8 tb of the stuff...i took 3...i didn't want to go too far and have too many of the bad stuff come...but i wanted to at least try. so we'll see...they say if it works, i should start seeing results in 4-12 hours...i keep contracting on and off. again last night i thought i was starting labor, but as soon as i went upstairs, they left. so i decided to bite the bullet.

today, i bounced on my ball...i just downed the oil and tonight i'm going for a walk with my rockin' husband. lets see if something happens tonight. i would love to forgo my dr appointment tomorrow!

baby update

well, here we sit on d-day...june 10, 'official' due date. and...i'm not in labor. but alas. the babe is still healthy and kicking and germinating and i just need to be patient already!

had a dr's appointment today where i had a non-stress test which was 'reactive'..that's a good thing, a biophysical profile ultrasound where the babe scored a 10/10...another good thing and then a brief talk with my dr.

i really like my dr, but i'm honestly starting to have reservations. anything that happens that either doesn't fit into 'my plans' or my birth plan, she'll say 'see, i told you not to make a birth plan!' she said this today as she walked into my exam if i put an earlier due date on my birth plan...and as if i should have no thought process or wants in my birthing process. it's almost as if she's trying to make me feel bad for wanting certain things. and then today, she all of a sudden and totally o…


i feel asleep again practicing my hypnosis for the birth...i actually stopped practicing because every time i listened to my hypnobabies tape, i fall asleep. i figured that it must not be working since i can't even stay awake through them to practice, so what's the point. the other night i decided to start listening to the birthing day tapes, thinking that maybe it would spark contractions...all it sparked was dreamland. again this afternoon i tried again...fell asleep.

but then it got me thinking...will this happen when i'm in actual labor? while contractions are coming, i wonder if i'll still be able to fall asleep...i wonder...if i can't stay awake and deal with the pressure, maybe i could just sleep through it all...a girl can wish can't she?!?

guess we'll see soon..

project runway

for about a week, dish network gave us the bravo channel. of course i didn't realize it was a preview of the channel...which was a total bummer when we lost it, but of the shows i saw was project runway. i've heard some positive things about the show, so i thought i'dtivo it. i got the last half of season 4 before they took the channel away from us...those 6 episode got me totally hooked. what an amazing show. i watched season 2 and 3 last week and just downloaded season 1 today...i've watched 3 already. i'm so obsessed.

i just saw that the new season starts in july, which is cool, but of course i can't watch it since i don't have the channel...if you get bravo, check it out. i know, i know, it's a designer show...all people do is make clothes...but it's so cool! they have these crazy challenges like making a party dress out of only things you can buy at the grocery store. plus the people on the show are hilarious! and a lot of t…

i'm ok now.

steve took me to bangkok house for lunch today to pack in the spicy food. although i ordered know bangkok.. and i was on fire. my mouth was flaming, i was sweating and my nose was running so much that i though i suddenly had a sinus infection!

i came home and did pelvic rocks and bounced on my birthing ball and now i'm running off to kroger to pick up some pineapple...i've heard that can induce labor as well.

i was thinking about having my membranes stripped, but have decided against it. i've read some research that there's an increase of stillbirth in women who have group b strep. so that scared me away from that.

i have a dr's appointment tomorrow. they're doing another ultrasound to check the babys' size. which kinda scares me. i know this child is already a bigger baby. i just don't want my doctor to start giving me time lines on when i have to birth. i'm afraid that she may start talking about induction or c-section...that would…


last night i had a bit of a freak-out. at about 10 i suddenly realized that i couldn't remember if i'd felt the baby move in the past hour or so. i remembered feeling hiccups, but then there was nothing. i laid down and started probing my belly trying to get a reaction but there was none. i started panicking. all the emotions of losing Jorai flooded back to me in a single moment. the ride to the hospital, the long ride up the elevator, lying on the exam table, the still heart being displayed on the screen. i thought i was going to have to re-live my deepest fear. i was wondering if i should call steve or just go into the hospital. i didn't know if i should wait a bit longer or run to the hospital.

i decided to drink some juice and wait a bit longer. about 10 minutes later i felt the first couple soft kicks. i was relieved, but i still didn't believe that the baby was ok. it wasn't until 5 minutes later or so that i finally felt some stronger kicks and st…

sweaty sweatball

i don't know if it's a pregnancy thing or what, but i'm sweating my arse off! i went outside twice today and melted both times. ridiculous! steve left for a show in jackson tonight and i wanted to get to church,but i just couldn't muster putting myself together. i'm greasy and gross, my hairs crazy and steve says 'just go like that.' nice to have a husband who loves me for me...but thankfully for all of you, i chose not to go. i tried to whip up something with myself, but it didn't work, plus i just feel here i sit. knowing i'm missing an amazing last message in the old building ala noel. but oh well...maybe they taped it.

so i'm going to enjoy maybe my last alone night for a while. i'm going to do some exercises and take a long shower and just relax in the quietness of the house. i always miss steve when he's not here, but there's something special about being home alone at night.

i've had some small cont…

what not to say to a pregnant woman

last night, after our wet t-shirt walk-a-thon, we noticed one of our neighbors out. she's one that's nice but we just really don't have much in common with and they usually stick to their own thing. but she was out with her little yippee dog, so we stopped over to say hello. and of course the conversation revolved around me and the fact that i hadn't delivered yet. she quickly added how her friend had an 8 pound baby and how she hopes i don't have such a big baby.

8 pounds...big? and i though 8 pounds was normal. i was over 9. my brother was over 10...steve was over 8. i've pretty much realized that our baby will be at least 8, probably 9+ and i'mok with that. there's nothing i can do about it. and usually bigger babies seem more content, so that's ok.

but what did neighbor lady say? 'wow, that will hurt! i sure hope your baby's not that big!'.

wow, that will hurt? that's what you think you should say to someone just about …

last night

last night i woke at 4:04 with contractions. they were pretty steadily on and off. i was so excited. this was it! they were super mild so i kept tyring to fall back asleep knowing that labor could take hours and i wanted to be rested. but i couldn't. my mind kept thinking about all the things that need to be done before leaving for the hospital. i thought about waking steve, but i wanted him to get his sleep. thought about calling my doulas, but again, i wanted them to sleep too...i knew this was just the beginning and i'd be awake in 3-4 hours.

i was so excited and the thought of birthing this babe was so real for the first time i could actually see it. i couldn't stop thinking about it. i would sleep on and off of a few minutes but then jolt back awake. i think i finally fell asleep somewhere between 5 and 5:30, still having contractions...but what did i wake to?

NOTHING! argh.

i feel like my body is playing a cruel joke on me. i know i should stop complaining.…

lesson learned

in an effort to get this child of ours out, steve asked if i wanted to take a walk tonight. the rain had already come and gone and the sun was out so we ventured on out to shake the kid out. half way through our walk it began to sprinkle and shortly thereafter it began to rain. as i looked down i could see my thin shirt getting quite wet...

lesson learned: huge pregnant women should not walk in the rain.

thankfully it didn't rain too hard nor very long, so it wasn't too embarrassing, although in the future, i think i may have to forgo the evening walks if there's a chance of rain! even when we are trying to get a child out of me!

no progress

still there's nothing. i went to bed again last night thinking...maybe tonight...and then i woke at 2 with nothing happening...and then again at 4...crap!

today i mowed the lawn. i haven't mowed the lawn since i've been married. steve always does's his 'thing'. but i thought,'s hot and muggy and i'm getting my arse outside and making this baby come out!! so i mowed about half the lawn and almost died. i came inside to cool off only to see myself in the mirror and almost keel over. i was sweating like a sailor! what the? i had huge wet arm pits and creases where my boobs hit my belly when i sit. sorry! but it was truly a site. my poor husband! if anyone saw me outside, i can only imagine what they thought. hugely pregnant, sweaty wife made to cut the grass! too funny!!!

so i sat around for a bit longer to cool off and returned outside to finish up. i then of course jumped immediately into the shower and haven't venture…

Pink Rose Award

so, my friend beth has chosen me to receive this award. beth is one of my wonderful doulas. before meeting her, she let me know about her wonderful son Charlie who graced her life for 3 beautiful days before he left for his eternal calling. having another person who truly understood my grief and pain was comforting. knowing someone actually feels my sorrow is something that is truly a blessing. though you never want anyone to go through a loss like this, there's something special that's formed between bereaved parents and i appreciate her friendship in so many ways. thanks beth, for sharing Charlies life with me as you let me share Jorai's life with you.

i'm passing this award to my friend tiffany. tiffany lost her amazing son Jayden just a few short weeks before me. we met shortly after losing our children and it was a blessing that's immeasurable to describe. our talks helped me travel down the path paved with sorrow. she cleared my head and opened my heart…

ok, i'll do this

because i'm mad this child has not made their appearance yet and i think i'm going to jump on the treadmill to get something started, but that takes a lot of gusto to get me until i get the gusto, i'll do it...

5 things under $5.00 that I couldn't live without: or at least i really wouldn't want to live without them:
my husband, Christ, Jorai, my friends, and
riv who teach me more about myself everyday!
ice water
spending time, lying in the hammock with my best friend.

5 favorite movies:
the princess bride
whale rider
steal magnolias
any brat pack film

5 favorite baby names I love:

5 songs I love:
the luckiest~ben folds
broken things~julie miller
romeo and juliet~indigo girls
ohio~over the rhine
brianwilson...or really anything by the barenaked ladies

5 positive influences:
my husband
my friends

5 life changing moments:
meeting my husband and allowing him to show me Christ
allowing myself to trust and let …

when's the party startin?

i know i should be relishing the quiet, alone time with my husband. i know i should enjoy these last few days of just the two of us in this house. i know i should probably enjoy the normalcy that i feel in my unmentionable areas...but i'm not. i know there's a lot of pain waiting for me in the coming days. lots of bodily fluids and stretching in areas that ya really don't want stretched that much...i know that my days and nights will soon, no longer belong to me. i know our life will be turned upside down and our quiet, alone time will be no longer.

but i don't care. i want my baby's birth to come. i'm anxious and excited and just want the day to arrive. as each day dawns i wonder if this will be the day i start to feel different...and as each sun sets, i wonder if i'll wake to labor's this waiting game that seems to go and go and go.

i'm carrying so low that i can't sit like a lady any longer. my legs have to be spread far …

Jorai Mae

happy birthday my dear, sweet Jorai. we miss you and love you and you'll forever be in our hearts.


last night in dreamland i was at the fair in my hometown. i was walking down the fairway with our child in the sweet moby wrap i got at my shower. the babe was a newborn, yet every time i asked where papa was, the baby would point ahead to steve. i knew we would have a highly intelligent child, but wow! of course i was so proud.

i just remember the feeling though. the joy of having this child and watching her know who her papa was. it was cool. i didn't want the dream to end. i can't wait to see our child grow up!

a few contractions today...but nothing much as i want this child to be born, i hope i don't go tomorrow, on Jorai's birthday or angleversary as some call it...

growth and memorials

one of the presents we got at my baby shower was a tree. i've never gotten a tree as a gift before. my friend said that as the babe grows, the tree will grow. in 20 years it should be 20' tall. kinda cool. we planted it last weekend in the front yard and i love it. every day i look out and see that tree and think about my family's future. our child growing up and the 3 of us as a family. it's so cool.

the same day as we planted the tree i transplanted the clematis i bought in remembrance of Jorai from the back yard to the front. it's now crawling up the side of our house near our front porch. it used to crawl up our wedding bench/trellis, but a tree fell on it and smashed it last i wanted a better place for it to reside. i like it in such a predominant place.

now i have nature to signify both of my babies in my front yard. i love using nature to symbolize a child. i don't know why. maybe it's the whole growth factor. i do know that …


i was contracting all day yesterday. all day. and all i was doing was sitting around at a wedding and reception then felt like my period was about to hit. kix was moving around like crazy too. i was hoping this was the beginning of something...but then i went to bed and woke up this morning with nothin'.

this waiting game is hard. but i think what's harder is not really knowing what labor feels like. i've been in labor before, but it was induced. i even took the pain with an induced labor until i was fully dilated. the nurses didn't think i was fully dilated so they gave me an epidural, which i find interesting. so i must have been handling the pain quite well. but maybe this time will be different. maybe the sensations will feel different to me. everything was so discombobulated and emotional a year ago.

will i know the sensations? i want to make sure i call my doula in time and do any last minute preparations...this is all just so strange. 2 ti…