last night

last night i woke at 4:04 with contractions. they were pretty steadily on and off. i was so excited. this was it! they were super mild so i kept tyring to fall back asleep knowing that labor could take hours and i wanted to be rested. but i couldn't. my mind kept thinking about all the things that need to be done before leaving for the hospital. i thought about waking steve, but i wanted him to get his sleep. thought about calling my doulas, but again, i wanted them to sleep too...i knew this was just the beginning and i'd be awake in 3-4 hours.

i was so excited and the thought of birthing this babe was so real for the first time i could actually see it. i couldn't stop thinking about it. i would sleep on and off of a few minutes but then jolt back awake. i think i finally fell asleep somewhere between 5 and 5:30, still having contractions...but what did i wake to?

NOTHING! argh.

i feel like my body is playing a cruel joke on me. i know i should stop complaining. i have a healthy child within me, but i have to admit that my mind still goes to losing this child too and knowing that we're full term and the babe is ready to come into this world makes my fears even more prominent. i want so much to birth this child and hear their cry, feel their warmth. i know i shouldn't be anxious or worried about this child, but i am. i've read the stories of women who go into labor with active children and still leave with a stillborn child and that haunts me.

in a way this waiting game is making me a little sad. the whole up and down of it. thinking i'm in labor and then realizing i'm not is hard. i need to let this go. but i feel like a 8 year old at Christmas...waiting for the day to come and when the 25th finally hits, my parents tell me it's only the 24th...day after day...

i'm ready to open my stocking now please.