Phoenix Rising

Here's a memory for the record books my dear son.

You love to watch and help your Poppy shave. Whenever Papa's shaving you run in, take the electric razor and start to shave your pops. Tonight, as you were trying to avoid taking your bath, you ran into the bathroom grabbed the shaver and started 'shaving' your face like Poppy does. After a few minutes, I came in to undress you for your bath and noticed that in the process of 'shaving' your slobbery face with a non-operating electric razor, you removed Papa's stubble remnants from the razor and smeared it all over your face. It actually looked like you had a stubbly beard.

I wish I would've had my camera to document the moment. It truly was hilarious!

I'm junkie. I don't like it. I try really hard not to be, but I seem to be a clutter mongering junkie. I hate it. I try to change. I come up with grand ideas of how to be better organized and keep a cleaner more tidier house, but it never lasts. I go to my friends houses and they all seem to have tidy, clutter-free rooms. I'm embarrassed by mine. It's not a dirty thing. My house is clean. It's just cluttery. And it hasn't helped having Asher. It seems, whatever I pick up, he follows to empty. If I put his shoes away, he follows and throws them all out. Same thing with diapers, hats, washcloths...you name it. And he won't let me clean dishes, so I usually have to wait until he's sleeping to clean up the kitchen.

So I'm asking for advice. For all you mama's out there, what are your organizational secrets? How do you find the motivation and the time to keep things in their place? I'd really love some help in this area!

Last night as I was saying prayers with you, you would end each sentence with 'mmmmm.' It was an agreeing 'mmmmm.' It kinda went like this:

Mama: Thank you Father for the warm sun you let hit my face today.
Asher: Mmmmmm.
Mama: Thank you for letting me play with my friend Nathaniel at the park
Asher: Mmmmmm.
Mama: Thank you for keeping my body strong and sickness away from me and my family.
Asher: Mmmmmm.
Mama: Please keep my baby brother or sister healthy and strong.
Asher: Mmmmmm.

The last day Asher nursed was Sunday November 1st at 9:40am. Boo. Yesterday he asked to nurse at his nap, but I told him that it hurt Mama and that we didn't need to nurse. He shed a few tears but then settled down on a shirt covered boob and took his bottle as I rocked with him and sang some songs. Today he didn't even ask to nurse at his nap.

I know this is a good thing and I know people are probably sick of me talking about it, but it's a big bummer in my life. I miss it already. I'm second guessing my decision with flu season upon us and I just miss our snugly time.

But, there are positives...more so if I wasn't preggers...but it's nice to have another way to calm him down. I guess I just didn't realize that my last time nursing was Sunday. I would have savored the time a bit more. A part of me wishes he would ask 1 more time so I could savor our last time together...but I don't think it will happen. I think he's over it. We'll see.

I'm glad now that I gradually weaned him. It gave us both time to ease into it. And although there were a few tears, there weren't a lot. It was a fairly easy transition for him. For him. It's a bit of a different story for me...but I'll be OK. My little boy is growing up. He doesn't need that part of me anymore. But he does need other parts of me. This is just one more milestone to place in the record book. A sad one for his mama...but a good one.

So here's to the memories...

• here's to warm faces smooched against my skin
• here's to sticky fingers holding on tight as if trying to not fall off
• here's to hours and hours of staring into closed eyes, marveling at long lashes, kissing sweet rosy cheeks, cleaning out waxy ears and tickling chubby little fingers and toes.
• here's to having my necklace and earrings being wanked at, chest being slapped and pounded and pinched, eyes being poked at and fingers being shoved in my mouth.
• here's to those long open stares as if you're telling me I love you.
• here's to all those hours we spent together, just you and I...hanging out...talking and singing and just being...together.
  

I've decided to wean Asher. I've haven't been producing anything in a few weeks and now I'm starting to hurt a bit when he tries to nurse. There was a part of me that thought weaning Asher would be best...and another part that thought I could handle nursing both. But with the pain and the reality that Asher's not getting anything any way, I've decided to wean.

It's been hard. I've only been slowly taking it away for the past few days...but he asks for it all the time, and I feel so bad to not give him something that gives him so much comfort. I mean, if it was a cookie or a toy, it wouldn't bother me...but really, all he wants is something that calms him and gives him comfort and I'm saying no. If I didn't feel pain while nursing, I would give in and let him nurse, but I think it's for the best...I'm just heart broken. I haven't nursed him yet today. Surprisingly he didn't ask this morning, but he did ask before his nap and I just brushed it off. Steve tried to put him down for his nap, but he's still up there fussing. I know he wants me...oh...this is so hard!

I want to slowly do this. I would hate to just rip it away from him. I think that would be cruel since he's been nursing now for almost 17 months and there's no medical reason for me to stop immediately. poor punkie.

And I'm going to miss our intimate moments of just him and I, snuggled in. I know I can do other things...but I also know this will be an end to something we both have enjoyed so much. That super cool, amazing bond that only nursing mama's know. I'm going to miss our time together.

My baby's growing up.

I kinda feel bad not having a decent nickname for this new little child growing within me. We're still in the quasi-preggo stage...that stage where you continue to get big and feel weird, but not feel anything but gas. I'm anxiously waiting for the first punch or kick or squirm, but I also don't want to get too anxious. It will happen when it happens...it's just been hard to nickname a child that I can't really feel yet.

I secretly call the little bean punkin' pie, but I'm not sure if it'll stick. I do have to admit that I'm feeling more of a girl vibe right now. I haven't had any dreams about the baby, other than when I miscarried...but the baby was too little to tell the gender. There's just something there...I'm not coming out with a prediction yet and I'm sure this feeling will change at a drop of the hat, but yeah, I'm getting a girl vibe.

We'll see...and keep posted...a proper nickname is coming.

Number 1 fav. ~ Amazing Grass Chocolate drink

Asher has become a bit of a picky veggie eater. Some days he'll eat them, and others...not so much. Thanks to Katie, Asher now drinks Amazing Grass Chocolate drink. It's a "nutritional powerhouse that combines 33 rainbow colored fruits and vegetables in a delicious chocolate drink powder." One serving gives you the antioxidant equivalent of 3 servings of fruits and vegetables! And there's only 1 gram of sugar!! Asher loves it. He won't put his sippy down until it's gone and usually drinks it within 5 minutes. It's also certified organic. For any kid who lacks on the veggie intake, I think this is a must. You can find it on Vitacost and Amazon for around $19 and it last for 33 days if you give 1 serving a day. We LOVE this product. I actually bought the adult version for myself and I like it...I like to add a bit more chocolate to it...but I like it!


Number 1 fav. ~ Blankease

Asher doesn't sleep in 1 position. All night long he tosses and turns and flips and is simply crazy. When the weather turned a bit chillier, he would wake up cold, so I tried to place a blanket on him, but with his acrobatics in bed, it didn't stay on him long. I put his blanket sleeper on him from last year, but he hated it. He couldn't move his legs and when he woke up and wanted to walk around in his crib, he kept falling. Then I found Blankease. It's a blanket sleeper with legs! He loves it and I love it because it keeps him warm and when he wears it, he kinda looks like a clown. He's to cute!

Any way...those are my 2 favs for Asher right now. Enjoy.

Today is Infant Loss Remembrance Day. If you've lost a child or would simply like to honor a lost child you love, light a candle at 7pm tonight, no matter what your timezone, and let it burn for an hour. If everyone lights a candle and keeps it burning, there will be a continuous wave of light for the day.

Our candle will burn for our beautiful daughter, Jorai Mae. We love you and miss you so very much baby girl!

When I was pregnant with Jorai I had a dream she was dead. She was already born...it wasn't a birth dream...but she had drowned as an infant.

Last night I dreamt that I miscarried the baby I'm carrying right now. She dropped out of me still alive. I didn't know what to do so I just held her and her little fingers gripped around mine.

I'm trying to stay positive about this pregnancy. I mean, it was just a dream. But I had a dream about Jorai and I never had a death dream about Asher. I caught myself looking for blood this morning. It was the first time I did that in this pregnancy. I'm glad I'm having an ultrasound on Monday. Maybe it can give me a little relief....I don't know.

I know it all sounds so morbid talking about it and I hate to even go there with baby 3.0 still growing and thriving within me...but I have to say that if I do loose this baby too, I pray I miscarry her. I don't think I can live through another stillborn.

I know it's just a dream...but I just can't shake away this pit in my stomach.

One of the wonderful women bloggers I follow is going to be on Oprah tomorrow. Her name is Stephanie Nielson, aka NieNie. She is a mother of 4, who barely survived a plane crash with her husband in August '08. She is amazing. Seriously. Her spirit and outlook on life inspires me. You should check out her blog and check her out on Oprah tomorrow.

When I was pregnant with Jorai I couldn't wait to be a mama. I couldn't wait to meet this child growing within me...to hear her cries and touch her skin...just to know her. Of course I worried about if I would be a good mama and if I could really do it. All of it. The mentoring and teaching...but most of all, I worried about the patience. Did I really have the patience to be the best parent I could be. I really worried about it. I only wanted to give the best to my children and I never wanted to lose my cool with them.

And then we lost her. For awhile, I even lost the dream of her, of children in general. I couldn't understand why and how God could have taken my sweet child from me and often wondered if He was saving her from hurt...maybe from me...or just from the world. I didn't and still don't know why things happened as they did, but even as I was pregnant with Asher, there was a part of me that thought God would take this child from me as well. I wanted to be wrong, but there was always something pulling at me...nagging at me.

When I let me mind wander to the possibility that Asher could actually be born, alive and healthy, I felt as if I could handle anything. That I would be the best mama to him. That my patience would be shake proof. I would be super mama. I mean, I missed the opportunity to raise and know Jorai, so I would pour into Asher like nothing else. It would be amazing. And most days, I feel pretty good about my parenting. I'm pretty patient. I feel as if I'm doing my best to teach him and raise him well.

And then a day like today comes when I seriously want to place him in the basement and run upstairs to a loud, steamy shower to escape his constant crying and hitting and general grumpiness...which of course makes me feel like the worst mama of the century. Yesterday after about the 10 millionth time of being slapped, bitten or torn at, I screamed NNNNOOOOO!!!! at the top of my lungs. He shuttered and then the look of shear terror ripped across his face before he, himself started screaming and crying. I scared him. It was the first time I scared him. I felt like crap. The entire day, I couldn't think about anything else and wondered how I had just scarred my child.

What is wrong with me? I should be grateful and full of love and patience for my child....not yell when I'm frustrated or look forward to nap time so I can regain my composure. Where did my confidence go where I knew I could handle all this and knew my patience would be enough? And why is it so easy to loose it? Why is it so easy to become frustrated with someone so innocent and is only learning all your rules?

I'm getting my haircut at noon. It couldn't come at a better time. I need a break. Although I'm sure Asher will wake up in a much better mood...well, one can hope anyway!

The thought of becoming a parent and the reality of it, is so very different. A person just has no idea until they're in the thick of it. And I've only gotten 16 months of it...so I know I have WAY more to learn and experience...but man, what a reality check! What am I in for in 6 months when baby 3.0 comes into our lives? I'm worried. I no longer have the innocent 'things will be lovely' outlook. Reality has set it and I just pray that God gives me the strength to raise both of my living children with all the love, support and patience I have.

Asher used to be a fabulous eater. Anything I placed before him was gone. Meat, veggies, fruit, cheese....even beets and broccoli. And then he hit 15 months and everything went down the crapper. Things he'll eat one day will be thrown off his tray another. The only things I know he'll eat is peanut butter on anything, catchup and scrambled eggs. Today, after struggling to get him to eat something for lunch, I caved and gave him apples and peanut butter. After making him a new chicken salad recipe with grapes for dinner, he spat out his test bite and refused to eat anything else. I even tried spaghetti! So again, I caved and gave him...yup...peanut butter on bread.

I'm getting so freakin' frustrated! I keep trying new recipes and new styles but for the most part he either tosses them off his tray...another annoyance of mine...or spits it out and refuses to open his mouth for anything else.

I've seriously considered the 'oh, well...if you're not going to eat what mama gives you, then you'll go to bed hungry' tactic...but I just can't. He's too little and really, I'll be the one getting up with him in the early morning to nurse or feed him, so what's the point?

He refuses all veggies now, unless I hide them. And it pisses me off because I know he likes them. He used to eat them just fine for months! Most meat products I have to dip in catchup, for him to eat them. I need help. I'm getting towards the end of my rope and am about to let Steve make him all his food.

Any suggestions?

Who wrote this trash? Seriously, where did they ever come from? I decided to go out and buy our first nursery rhyme book and was appalled after I read a few...here's a taster:

I just realized that for our third anniversary, we got the gift of hearing our 3rd child's heartbeat for the first time.

Pretty sweet.

Baby 3.0 has yet to receive a nickname yet. Maybe when we have have our first ultrasound in a few weeks, something will come to us.

I keep thinking about the sex...is this going to be a girl...a boy...maybe we'll have both...yea, that's a scary thought. I know people say they don't care what they have, but I really, truly don't have a preference. I think it would be so cool to have another boy so Asher can have little brother to play catch with. I think it would be cool to watch them grow together and build their relationship through the years...I also think it would be cool to have another girl. To be able to see all the differences and experience life with both a boy and a girl would be cool. To watch Asher protect his little sister and again, watch their relationship grow throughout the years...so cool.

What ever we have...boy, girl, twins (still freakin' out!) I can't wait for the new journey. I'm going to treasure each and every moment I have with Asher now and when the new baby comes, I'll cherish those too.

Hearing the heartbeat today was a treasure. Being only 11 weeks, it's a little soon to hear it. But my Dr. was persistent and the heartbeat was strong. So cool. What a gift.

Happy anniversary Steven!

I'm 11 weeks today. The first trimester has been dragging for me. I think it's mostly because I've felt like crud and with the nervousness about twins and still having not seen the dr., which I get to do this coming Thursday, so yea! But I have a feeling that the rest of my pregnancy is going to fly by and in a way, that freaks me out.

I've never really thought about not being able to love this new baby as much as Asher, as I know I will...but what saddens me is when I think about all the time Asher and I have together now and how that'll change. Asher and I have been joined at the hip, unless papa is around and then I'm chopped liver!, for almost 16 months now. It's just been him and I. Buds. But pretty soon, things will change and I'll be back to being held up on the couch with a crazy nursing baby all day. I wonder how that will change Asher and my relationship. I know it'll be hard for the first few weeks/months, but I keep focusing on the future and how close they'll be, becoming buds themselves.

I'm so excited to see both of our living babies play together, laugh together and yes, even argue with one another. I love my brothers. I remember the feeling of love and closeness that I felt when I was young. I always look back to memories of me and my brothers with fondness. I can't wait to encourage ad nurture our children to have those close relationships, as I did.

So I'm looking forward to the future and trying not to worry about the nearer future. This is my mantra.

I've been noticing how I SUCK at uploading pictures. I was doing pretty good in the first few months of Asher's life. Most weeks I uploaded new pictures on picasa...but by around 7-8 months...it always took a few 2....3 weeks to post. I just realized that I haven't posted anything since the last week of June! Crazy!

So, my new goal is to post once a month. Hopefully I'll be able to achieve that. We'll see...until then, here's the pics from July and hopefully soon, I'll post the pics from August! Enjoy!!

Last night Asher woke at 11:30, 12:30, 1:30 and 2. When he woke, he bolted up and started screaming and jumping up and down in his crib. And when I mean screaming...I mean screaming. Asher rarely even cries when he wakes, so I know something is going on when he's screaming. The only thing I can think of is nightmares. I feel so bad for the kiddo and actually wonder what he's having nightmares about.

At 2 in the morning I drug the futon mattress up from the basement and brought it into the nursery. I comforted Asher down and then lay down to nurse. What a joy! I haven't been able to do that in months. He wants nothing to do with that. I usually have to be sitting in a quiet room for him to nurse. While I was nursing I was thinking how lovely it was going to be to sleep with him all night like we used to. Feeling his warmth and hearing his breath. I miss it so. But as he rolled over and sat up, and turned around and put his head down and got back up...over and over again...I realized that my little boy could no longer sleep with me. He has gotten used to his independence and needed it. So as much as I hated...I picked him up and placed him back in his crib,and laid back down on the floor next to his bed. Although I got to sleep close to him all night, I have to say that I truly missed the opportunity to snuggle with him all night. Though I know we both probably slept better apart. But I sure do miss his snuggles.

Today he woke with a runny nose. I don't know if last night was related or not...in fact I think it has more to do with allergies than a sickness...but I still feel bad for the punkin's.

Anyway, needless to say, I'm exhausted. Utterly exhausted. I've been barely functioning all day. Thankfully, he took 2 solid naps, so I could sleep as well, but I'm still exhausted. I'm going to bed soon. It's Friday night...8:10pm and I'm going to bed. I feel like a loser...but it'll feel so good to crawl under those sheets and relax.

Goodnight y'all.

I've been out of sorts today. Pretty weepy and exhausted from emotions, but I'm snapping out of it. It's so easy to travel down the road of sorrow once you've gotten familiar with the scenery. It's a small world in the baby loss circle. And so many of us have become friends and confidants, that their pain, becomes our pain in a way. Plus in the blogging world, reading one blog about loss, turns into reading ten. I seem to get drawn in. I'm not completely sure why, other than I know exactly how they feel...they know exactly how I feel. We're connected, in the horrifying tragic kind of way. And there's something in me that wants to read the stories of the babies lost. It's their history. Their imprint on the world. I feel that I need to read it to honor their lives. And I want to. I want their parents to know that I met their child through their words, and that I was impacted by their story. It's all we parents have of our babies lives. Their brief stay on earth. Their story.

But I have to be careful with this as well. It's like balancing on a tightrope. The more I read, the more pain stirs up and more importantly, the more apprehension. Last night I woke at 2 and sat straight up in bed for no reason. I tried to calm down, but I couldn't. I tossed and turned for awhile until I finally gave into the urge to go check on Asher. I haven't checked on his breathing in months. But last night, I couldn't resist. And of course, he was perfectly sound asleep.

Loss is a crazy road to travel down. You're down one minute, up the next and the pain never really goes away. It always resides, just under the surface. The fear lies there too. Most days you go about your day and think of your lost love and wish they were here with you, but the pain isn't there...not the excruciating pain...but it lays in wait for the perfect time to spring up and take you by surprise.

Yesterday mine sprang up. I have to remember that this life isn't run on my plan. I'm just a bystander. Things will happen outside of my control. Great and wonderful things will happen in my life, but utterly tragic events will also play out. And I may not understand why they happen or like their outcome or see them coming....none of that matters. The only things that matter are God and people. Relationships. Building them, keeping them, nurturing them...What matters is feeling blessed with what you do have and thanking God for it every chance you have. Even when it's hard and all you want to do is throw yourself at his feet and convulse into a temper tantrum...

There were so many times when I asked God why He took Jorai from me. Why He takes any baby from their parent. I always tried to hold onto the thought that He had a bigger plan for her. That He needed her with Him. It's what gave me comfort. But what do you say to someone who has lost 3 babies. 1 at 28 weeks gestation, 1 at 7 weeks old and 1 at 3 days old? Why would God do that? Why does He allow such tragedy, such horror, to happen time and time again to a loving couple? I'm not asking this for answers, so please don't give them. I know all things happen in His plan...and that I don't know His plan. But I can honestly say this, and He knows I feel this way, I think, from my viewpoint...sometimes His plan sucks.

I've never met Mirne or Craig, but my heart aches for them tonight. I'm sitting here crying for people I don't know, but who have gone through such loss that even through my own loss, I have no idea of their pain. I'm mad for them. I'm aching for them. I wish I could be there for them. I just feel so gutted. I'm at a loss.

If you want to read of their journey, their story is here.

I need advice from all you mama's out there. Asher's daily schedule is so mismatched that's it starting to become a royal pain. But I want what's best for him and am willing to keep things as is if that's what's best...but I'm also willing to change things up...anyway, please advise me!! :-)

Asher has had the same 'schedule' since probably around 7 months or so. He wakes anywhere between 6-9, is awake for 2 1/2 hours and then goes down for a nap, which lasts anywhere from an hour and 1/2 -3 hours. He's then up for 3 hours and takes another nap, lasting around 1-2 hours. At night he usually is always down by 8, with the exception of Saturday night where he's up until 8:30/9ish.

My problem is that I have no idea when he'll wake for the day. Though it's usually around 7-7:30, like I said, it could be as early as 6 and as late as 9, which throws off his naps. Today, since he slept so late, I pushed him a bit and didn't put him down for 3 hours and 15 minutes, hoping he'll take 1 long nap and then be able to make it until bedtime.

I would be willing to start transitioning him to 1 nap, but on days where he wakes at 6, he's exhausted by 8:30/9 and needs a morning nap. It's almost as if his body isn't ready to wake at 6, but his brain is...and there's no getting him back down! But this morning he woke at 6:40 and I knew he was still exhausted, so I nursed him and laid him back down...he fell right back to sleep until 9. I was surprised that he was actually tired by 11:30 this morning, since he got 13 hours of sleep last night. It was hard to push him the extra 45 minutes.

We miss out on play dates and it's getting hard to schedule Dr. appointments now without a babysitter available since I never know when he'll wake up or nap or anything. It's just so hard to plan our days.

Should I just leave things as is and let him work things out? Or should I try to help him get on a schedule? Again, as frustrating and annoying as it is to never know what the day will entail, I would rather him be happy and rested...which he seems to be...but I do want what's best for him too. Would it be better for him to be put on a better schedule? And if so, what should I do?

Any suggestions would be lovely. Thanks in advance ladies.