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death

I thought after losing my girls, I would be better at dealing with death.  I would be that shoulder for others to lean on, the strength in the depths of despair and maybe I am for those I don't know well, but the more life I live, the more death that surrounds me, I find myself turning more and more inward.  Especially when it hits close to home. 

I've always run away from the hard times in life.  I don't like conflict, I don't like disagreements, I don't like knowing or thinking anyone is frustrated at me.  I had a friend tell me last week that I worry too much about what people think of me.  And it was one of those times where it took me a back, and frustrated me.  And then it smacked me square in the face.  Yes.  I do.  I care too much.  Maybe that's a reason why I run.  Maybe I'm just a coward.  Maybe I just don't deal well with hardships.  I don't know.  But I do.  I care too much and so I hide.  

Death.  It always creeps up on you completely una…

Hope Chest

I try to avoid my hope chest, because that's where you're memories reside.  The pictures of your little body.  Your clothes.  Our condolence cards. Your memory boxes and anything that represents your growth within me or the loss we felt when you left, resides in that chest.  Both yours as well as your sisters.   It's a bit ironic...calling it a hope chest.  Hopes.  Dreams.  Both crushed.  And even still the other half is loaded with our wedding memories and your brothers accomplishments.  All there, among your memories.  

It's fitting that I would think to look there, in this hope chest, in the hopes to find a book for Asher's last day of DK.  It's strange that in my thought process and determination to find that book, I never even thought about your memories that lay beneath.  On the eve of your birthday even, I opened that chest...this hope chest, to only search for this book, but overwhelmingly the only thing I see after the lid raises, is your box.  

I try t…

Outraged by our society.

I don't want a debate.  I don't mean to offend anyone with this post.  This is just my raw emotion post. 

My heart has been crushed today.  And it should have been crushed months ago.  We should have all known about the evils of Kermit Gosnell, an abortion doctor in Philly.  A trial began on March 18th, but most people didn't hear anything about it, until it started going viral on facebook.  And now news and posts about this ass is flooding walls, and reporters are posting about it.  Google his name if you want the gory details.  Here's a detailed article on the events.  But be warned, it's brutal.  

http://www.theatlantic.com/national/archive/2013/04/why-dr-kermit-gosnells-trial-should-be-a-front-page-story/274944/

This man seems to be, in all intended purposes, an anti-christ.  And there are so many wrongs to this story, or rather the stories of the many, many women....the many, many children.  The "worst offense" was obviously the late term abortions and …

memories

I feel horrible.  I use this blog as a way to reach out to people, yes, but I also use it as a memory for me and my family.  And I have sucked at it lately!  Poor Grey.  He still has no birth story or baby book made.  He gets very little posts about him.  But at least I can say that what he lacks in books, posts and pictures...he overflows with love and laughter and memories fill my mind!  

So here's a catch-up...

Asher,  

What a crazy dude you are!   You're full of it and I remind you of that nearly every day!  You are wild.  Seriously wild.  We breathe to calm down at times.  It's like you are one of those toys where you pull the string and it goes crazy until the string reaches it's stopping point...though you never seem to reach your stopping point!  People often ask me if you have quiet moments and I say "yes, when he's sleeping!".  You go, and go, and go until you literally pass out and sleep.  Though I have to say, you will sit up in your room for qu…

Memorial Tattoo

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It's been awhile. I was going through some of my past entries when I came to my previous memorial tattoo post and remembered that I never posted my completed tattoos!  Sorry!

I originally got them in August, but then had them filled in a bit more in October.  They were done in white ink.  Disregard the translucent skin and blue veins!   What can I say, I'm as white as you get!  Anyway, I love them and am surprised by how much people actually see them.  I never wanted a super showy tattoo.   I love them on other people, but it's just not me.  I wanted something understated and there was always something about how the white ink fades and leaves more of a scarred appearance.  As if people can outwardly see the scar my girls left on my soul.  

Anyway, here they are.  Jorai's on my left because I remember holding her in my arms with her head resting on my left arm, and for some reason, I rested Selah's head on my right arm.  I still close my eyes and dream of holding the…

Parenting woes.

This topic has been on my mind a ton lately so I figured I'd write out my feelings for others to relate to or maybe learn from...Let me start here...

I have two healthy, amazing, fun young children.  When Asher was a baby, he exceeded  nearly all of his "milestones" until he started missing his speech milestones.  He was my first that I got to watch grow.  I was a stay at home mom and I'm a bit neurotic about teaching.  So I worked with him a ton.  We read everyday...all day.  He loved to read.  We used flash cards at an early age and he learned how to sign.  Of course he spoke, but not a ton.  At the time, a woman was in my life that I had considered a friend, though she truly wasn't and looking back I realized that her tearing me down was a way for her to feel better about herself.  But she would, nearly weekly, tell me how delayed my son was.  She would talk about her speech therapist friend, how she talked to her about my child, how she agreed that he was seve…

Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day

Wow!   It's been awhile!   Sorry I've been so out of touch.  I need to get back into writing.  I think I've just been so spent with the boys, I end up just chilling when the silence finally comes.  Sorry!

I wanted to talk a little bit about Infant Loss and Remembrance Day.   What does it mean, to me, that is. 

I posted today on Facebook about it.  I think I posted 3 posts.  All about loss and remembrance.  I think a day like this is awesome.  I think its important.  But does it make me sad?  Usually not so much.  

It's been nearly 3 years since I've lost Selah.  Nearly 6, since I've lost Jorai.  I still miss them dearly.  I still struggle at times with guilt and anger and loss.  I still have nights where all I can think about are the nights I birthed them and held them and ultimately had to hand their bodies over to someone who would forever take them away.  I still struggle.  But I also still laugh, a lot.  I still live, a ton.  I still love, always.  

You see, a …

Crazy Town...just another babyloss confession...

After living with and raising two healthy boys for the past four years, I still freak out all the time that they will die in their sleep.  Today Greyson was still sleeping at 4:45.  He didn't make one sound from the time I put him down around 1 and I was starting to worry.  He normally naps for 2-3 hours, but he had been sleeping nearly 4 hours.  I was going to post on facebook if I should wake a sleeping baby or not...but then my first thought was..."what if he's dead and then I have to let everyone know we've lost another babe.".  

I know.  I'm crazy.  So...

I went upstairs, praying the whole time, and crept into his room and touched his arm.  Cold.  His skin was cold.  Too cold.  My heart sank.  I couldn't see him breathe.  I couldn't hear him breather.  I touched his tummy and still, he didn't move.  He was still.  I panicked. I tried to feel his breath...and still nothing.  

Freak out!

And then it happened.  He moved.  He rolled over and then he…