Crazy Town...just another babyloss confession...

16 August 2012

After living with and raising two healthy boys for the past four years, I still freak out all the time that they will die in their sleep.  Today Greyson was still sleeping at 4:45.  He didn't make one sound from the time I put him down around 1 and I was starting to worry.  He normally naps for 2-3 hours, but he had been sleeping nearly 4 hours.  I was going to post on facebook if I should wake a sleeping baby or not...but then my first thought was..."what if he's dead and then I have to let everyone know we've lost another babe.".  

I know.  I'm crazy.  So...

I went upstairs, praying the whole time, and crept into his room and touched his arm.  Cold.  His skin was cold.  Too cold.  My heart sank.  I couldn't see him breathe.  I couldn't hear him breather.  I touched his tummy and still, he didn't move.  He was still.  I panicked. I tried to feel his breath...and still nothing.  

Freak out!

And then it happened.  He moved.  He rolled over and then he woke.  He was fine.  The kid was just sleeping.  He probably needed it.  I probably should have let him sleep longer, but no.  I freaked out.  

I know.  I'm crazy.  I often wonder if I would be this way if I hadn't held two of my children's lifeless bodies in my arms.  I always thought I'd be a super relaxed kind of mom...I'm realizing I'm pretty far from that.  

Mothers of loss, does this sound familiar, or am I just in my own little crazy world over here? 


2 comments:

The Fabulous Ms. Beth said...

Kate was always a light sleeper, but my Maggie.. ohmygosh. When she'd be asleep next to me, she'd sometimes feel freezing cold and I she'd be breathing so shallow that I couldn't feel it. I'd wake her. Then my heart would pound for 45 minutes afterwards.. She still does this at 2 years old

Rachel Clute said...

I do this often! Mostly with Levi. Some with Liam (ayden barely sleeps haha). I can't tell you how many naps or even nights have been cut short because I was freaking out! <3