Showing posts from March, 2010

pregnancy wish

I wish someone could tell me what to do. I wish someone knew what I should do. Today, I feel like going to a psychic...though I don't believe in them...I wish I did.

I could be pregnant in the next month. I probably won't be. But I could. And I want to. But I don't. I just wish someone would say to me, 'Kim, you need to do this. It's going to be O.K.'. or 'Kim, are you nuts? Seriously? There's no way this is going to end well. Just give up already.'..

I wish I had a genie and 3 wishes. But then again, I would probably feel guilty about asking for resolution in my own life, when I should be asking for world peace or an end to persecution or slavery.

Ugh....I'm a mess. Most of my life I'm a pretty chill person. I don't need definite plans nor do I need to be placed on a specific course. But this path I'm on, sucks. I want off. I want the easier path. I want direction and I want to know the outcome. IF I get pregnant.…


I love gardening. When I lived in Washington, I learned a ton about veggie and flower gardens and I just love to do it. I love to plant and weed and harvest and watch things grow. It's all so cool.

In the summer before I got married, my husband and I decided to weed the back fence area, in an attempt to put in a huge garden. What we both didn't know, was how to identify poison ivy. Yikers! We were both in for it...but I got it bad. Lets just say that I was on steroids for over 2 months. It crawled up both arms and both legs, stopping just in was horrid.

One thing I hate is chemicals. I loathe them...but there is one thing I like less....poison ivy. That next summer...the summer we lost Jorai, we wanted to put in that garden we tried for the previous year...but I was nervous. I mean, we did pull all the ivy out, and I didn't see it creep back in, but still. So, we doused the entire area with herbicide...all summer long. Application, after application.…


What I didn't say in my last post, is that the doctor at U of M was amazing. She was so kind and supportive and thorough and apathetic. Though we didn't get the answers we were searching for, to have such knowledgeable and caring people working with us, was a blessing. It was a bittersweet appointment.

In other news...if we do get pregnant, I think we'll find out the sex of the child as soon as possible. Which is a strange thought coming from us since we love the surprise...but then we can name our child and start bonding so we can have as much time possible with him/her.

I'm really apprehensive about trying again. I'm not sure when we'll start...but I'm apprehensive. My heart has endured so many fractures...I'm not sure if I'll stay together if we have another blow. I may just break and fall apart for good. But I have to take the chance. I can't give up.

One thing that makes me nervous though, is the child. I pray that if and when our b…

Chancing pregnancy.

When I think of trying to find a solution as to why we lost our baby girls, I think of House. I picture Steve and I, sitting in a room with all these brilliant doctors who diligently work endlessly, until they find a cause to our losses and solutions to end them. But alas, that's not the case.

We had our appointment at UofM this morning. I went into it knowing that we'd leave with no clue as to why Jorai and Selah passed, though hoping I was wrong. I wasn't.

What we know:
I'm in amazing health...carrying a few extra pounds, but genetically 'normal' and after being tested for a whole litany of diseases and markers, I'm amazingly healthy.Steve is genetically 'normal'We are not related...yes we've been asked that a few times. Really...we're not...not even a little bit.We gave birth to two, still baby girls and one, VERY loud and wiggly boy.Both girls had something funky with their umbilical cord.Both girls were otherwise beautifully formed …

Is there a rock I can crawl under?

To start off, in all honesty, I'm truly so excited for all of my pregnant friends and acquaintances and blog-friends...and I would never want them to not share the news with me. I want to share in their excitement. I want to share in their joy...

But come on people!

Nearly every time I log onto facebook and start scrolling through the updates, there's either someone announcing their exciting news or talking about their baby who just came into the world or complaining about their nauseousness or is showing ultrasound pictures or talking about what their toddler is doing/saying about the baby or.....on and on and on....and I am happy for them...but it's all just a sharp dagger stab to my heart.



I've been trying to stay positive. I've been trying to laugh more than wallow. I've been trying to be optimistic. And for the most part, it seems to be working.

It helps that the sun was out nearly every day last week. Asher and I were outside feeling the sun warm our skin and listening to the birds and breathing in the wormy spring air. It's been nice.

But there's a date looming in the future that I'm nervous about. I'm excited about it too...but really nervous. It's our second genetic counseling appointment. This time at the University of Michigan. This time we're seeing not only a geneticist but also an obstetrician. It brings me hope that she's both. I'm hoping she may have some answers or inklings for us. But I'm so nervous that we may leave with the same information. Nada. And if we do...what do we do? I don't even want my mind to go there. I'm trying to stay positive.

I'm still struggling with my relations…

Four weeks

Four weeks from now is/was my due date. I've been thinking all day about where my mind would be if I were still pregnant. Would Selah's room be ready for her? Would I still be nervous about how Asher would react to a baby in the house? Would I be excited? Would clothes and blankets and new baby products be out and ready? Would Asher have a shirt that states "I'm a big brother'? Would I be looking forward to my delivery? In 4 weeks, we would have been a family of 4, here on earth.

But all these thoughts no longer matter. In four weeks from now, it will be just an ordinary Friday. My little girl is no longer. My thoughts haunt me. My dreams have crumbled. Some of my days are alright. Some days I'm happy with my family...I'm O.K. with the path I've been set on...I may not like it...but I'm breathing through it. But then it's not so O.K. I feel everything crashing back in on me. All my loss. All my broken dreams. It's heartb…

February 2010

January 2010

December 2009

Pictures of you ~ November 2009

So I'm a little's a catch-up...

Names in the Stars

Here are some memorials for Jorai and Selah courtesy of Names in the Stars.

No, I'm not pregnant...I'm just fat. Thanks.

For those of you who don't follow me on facebook, I need to share something with you. Last night at church, someone rubbed my belly and said 'looks like you have another one on the way.'.

Sometimes I feel like the whole world is against me. All of yesterday was a disaster. I was tired and cranky and Asher was testing me. And because I have a living son, I feel as if I should walk in joy every second of every day because so many of my friends don't have living, breathing children to hold and laugh with and love. So when I get angry or frustrated with my child I feel like a failure. As if I don't deserve my child. As if, maybe, that's why two of my other children were taken away...these thoughts haunts me.

So yesterday was hard. All day long, applesauce was falling out of the refrigerator and exploding all over me and the floor...Asher was throwing his food all over and not listening and beating on the walls and piano with anything he could find, I wasn'…


The past week has been rough. Not in it's entirety, but here and there, pangs of hurt, sadness and want, knock on my heart. I want so badly to be pregnant.

When I as newly pregnant with Selah, I often worried about how Asher would respond to the baby when it arrived. I was worried that he'd be jealous and try to beat the baby. Whenever I held another baby he would go nuts. I was really nervous. But since losing Selah, I have realized just how much Asher loves babies. Loves them. He wants to be around babies and kiss their heads and give them hugs. It's so cute to watch. He just, simply, loves them. That makes my pain all the worse. As beautiful as it is to see him with another person's baby...I see how wonderful he would have been with his own sister...and we may never be able to experience it.

There's a part of me that whats to throw up my arms in surrender, cast my fears in the wind and get pregnant. But I know I can't. I could be caving into m…