life
I've been trying to stay positive. I've been trying to laugh more than wallow. I've been trying to be optimistic. And for the most part, it seems to be working.
It helps that the sun was out nearly every day last week. Asher and I were outside feeling the sun warm our skin and listening to the birds and breathing in the wormy spring air. It's been nice.
But there's a date looming in the future that I'm nervous about. I'm excited about it too...but really nervous. It's our second genetic counseling appointment. This time at the University of Michigan. This time we're seeing not only a geneticist but also an obstetrician. It brings me hope that she's both. I'm hoping she may have some answers or inklings for us. But I'm so nervous that we may leave with the same information. Nada. And if we do...what do we do? I don't even want my mind to go there. I'm trying to stay positive.
I'm still struggling with my relationship with Christ. There's a part of me that wants to re-connect. But another that needs distance. It's like having a best friend whom you love dearly, but they've hurt you so much that ya just can't find the energy to swallow your pride and reach out to them. Steve, one of our pastors...not my husband, gave a great message at Riv last night. It was something I needed to hear. But I just can't seem to allow myself to ask Christ for anything. I still have this feeling like, what's the point...as if He won't hear me or could care less what I have to say. It's hard. I feel like I'm being pulled in two different directions. And as much as I used to love getting scripture from people...right now, it's kind of like a slap in the face. As if people are saying 'get off your grief high horse and let God in...He's the only one who can truly heal you'. Which in a way, they're right, but they also have no friggin' idea of the pain I feel. They're not in my shoes....they haven't buried...or burnt two of their children.
Speaking of...Selah's remains are still waiting for us at the hospital...I feel like a shitty mama for leaving her there all alone. I just can't seem to go pick that little white box up and feel it's weightlessness. I know I need to face it soon.
I'm just trying to focus on my beautiful sons' face...his laughter and spunk. He's the reason I wake in the morning and crawl to bed at night...exhausted! Last night we had friends over to learn how to play Killer Bunnies and the Quest for the Magic Carrot. It was brilliant. Great game! I laughed. Hard. It felt so good. I miss laughing...the real gut laughing. It really, felt good. Laughing is good.
Here's a picture of Asher that makes me laugh too. I haven't decided if he's blowing me a kiss, or showing me his stinker face...That's why I like it...you always keep me on my toes my dear son. I love you so.
It helps that the sun was out nearly every day last week. Asher and I were outside feeling the sun warm our skin and listening to the birds and breathing in the wormy spring air. It's been nice.
But there's a date looming in the future that I'm nervous about. I'm excited about it too...but really nervous. It's our second genetic counseling appointment. This time at the University of Michigan. This time we're seeing not only a geneticist but also an obstetrician. It brings me hope that she's both. I'm hoping she may have some answers or inklings for us. But I'm so nervous that we may leave with the same information. Nada. And if we do...what do we do? I don't even want my mind to go there. I'm trying to stay positive.
I'm still struggling with my relationship with Christ. There's a part of me that wants to re-connect. But another that needs distance. It's like having a best friend whom you love dearly, but they've hurt you so much that ya just can't find the energy to swallow your pride and reach out to them. Steve, one of our pastors...not my husband, gave a great message at Riv last night. It was something I needed to hear. But I just can't seem to allow myself to ask Christ for anything. I still have this feeling like, what's the point...as if He won't hear me or could care less what I have to say. It's hard. I feel like I'm being pulled in two different directions. And as much as I used to love getting scripture from people...right now, it's kind of like a slap in the face. As if people are saying 'get off your grief high horse and let God in...He's the only one who can truly heal you'. Which in a way, they're right, but they also have no friggin' idea of the pain I feel. They're not in my shoes....they haven't buried...or burnt two of their children.
Speaking of...Selah's remains are still waiting for us at the hospital...I feel like a shitty mama for leaving her there all alone. I just can't seem to go pick that little white box up and feel it's weightlessness. I know I need to face it soon.
I'm just trying to focus on my beautiful sons' face...his laughter and spunk. He's the reason I wake in the morning and crawl to bed at night...exhausted! Last night we had friends over to learn how to play Killer Bunnies and the Quest for the Magic Carrot. It was brilliant. Great game! I laughed. Hard. It felt so good. I miss laughing...the real gut laughing. It really, felt good. Laughing is good.
Here's a picture of Asher that makes me laugh too. I haven't decided if he's blowing me a kiss, or showing me his stinker face...That's why I like it...you always keep me on my toes my dear son. I love you so.
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