Four weeks

Four weeks from now is/was my due date. I've been thinking all day about where my mind would be if I were still pregnant. Would Selah's room be ready for her? Would I still be nervous about how Asher would react to a baby in the house? Would I be excited? Would clothes and blankets and new baby products be out and ready? Would Asher have a shirt that states "I'm a big brother'? Would I be looking forward to my delivery? In 4 weeks, we would have been a family of 4, here on earth.

But all these thoughts no longer matter. In four weeks from now, it will be just an ordinary Friday. My little girl is no longer. My thoughts haunt me. My dreams have crumbled. Some of my days are alright. Some days I'm happy with my family...I'm O.K. with the path I've been set on...I may not like it...but I'm breathing through it. But then it's not so O.K. I feel everything crashing back in on me. All my loss. All my broken dreams. It's heartbreaking.

I've been weepy for the past few days. It comes out of nowhere, but when it comes, it's like a hurricane. I've been having good days. Asher and I spent a lot of time outside today, laughing and playing. But in the quiet moments of my day, it hits me. She's gone. She's really gone and there's nothing I can do to get her back. This is something I've known for awhile...obviously...but it's still seems shocking to me.

I just can't stop thinking that I would be 36 weeks pregnant today. I'd be feeling Selah squirm within me and feel her jabs and pokes and hiccups. In 4 weeks I would be nursing a tiny baby again...getting to know her personality and watching her grow and learn and laugh at her big brother. But I'll never get to experience these things. I can only dream of them. This sucks.

I miss you my sweet baby girl.