emotional basket case

i've cried 3 times today...over little things. i feel silly and discombobulated and exhausted. i want a stiff drink. i don't know if it's the loss of hormones, or lack of sleep, flaming nipples (or i guess ya call them tits), the whole jaundice thing or just feeling out of sorts since i haven't had my house to myself in 11 days. but i'm emotional. big time.

i don't know if i'm doing something wrong or if asher is latching on wrong, but i never knew breast-feeding could be so painful. i want to cry every time he latches on. i'm not bleeding nor do i have sores, but it's so painful, i now know why some women quit in the first few weeks. i'm going to a le leche league meeting on wednesday, so i hope i can get some support there.

on the diaper front, i have really enjoyed the bum genius diapers, but i have to admit that the kissaluvs, that got such good ratings for newborns, i really don't like so much. they soak up the urine but i feel like he's just wearing a wet rag. if i knew exactly when he goes, i think i'd like them more...but when i wait a couple hours to change him, he's a sopping mess. the bum genius do a better job of wicking the wetness away.

i can't wait to get my house to ourselves again. i feel blessed to have family that want to help, but it's time to start figuring things out on our own. to have my house back.

i always knew that bringing a child into this world would change our lives dramatically, but i never knew it could change so much. one thing i truly miss is just the closeness between steve and i. i miss cuddling and talking about the day. i miss laughing and just enjoying one another. we've been so tired that all of our energy is poured into asher. which is good and i know there will come a day, hopefully soon, that we'll get things all together and be able to focus more time on each other. but it's hard right now. steve's been falling asleep before i even get to bed, since i'm feeding and changing asher...and when he gets home from work, he's so tired that he just wants to grab asher and relax with him...which i totally understand. but i do miss our closeness. i can't wait to get that back.

i have to admit that i thought that no matter what emotional turmoil i was going through, that after losing Jorai, i would just feel blessed to have a healthy and happy child. and i am. don't get me wrong. i just feel bad having these emotional breakdowns with such a wonderful blessing lying next to me.

maybe i just need a hot shower and some tea.

Comments

Wendy said…
I know that you want your house to yourself, but I'd be willing to come over and do house work, etc... whatever so that you and steve could have an hour to yourselves and just hang out.

I know that when Jake was born I would have Joel take him every evening (we'd try every evening)so that I could take a bath and relax. But I was emotional too!
Phoenix Rising said…
you're amazing. thanks wendy. i'll keep that in mind.
Sooze said…
Yup. Your 'tits' will hurt REALLY bad. Like, as in, take your breath away hurt.

But I PROMISE you, it will go away and you will basically have NO pain. I PROMISE PROMISE PROMISE!! Stick with it!!!
missie said…
I am so glad you are going to a Le Leche meeting. I know what you mean about the pain, but Sooze is right...it will get better. The lactation consultant I had was so amazing and helpful. She helped me calm my anxieties so much. And she pointed out a few key things I could do to ease the pain.

It is so tough being a brand new mom, bleeding like you never thought you could, milk flowing out (sometimes everywhere), and tears, tears, tears. It can leave you feeling so....opened....or drained...literally. It is not easy, but through hardship God brings us such joy.
I am going to help out with your meals, please let me know if there is anything else I can do...the memories of how you feel are still fresh in my mind, and close to my heart. You and your new family are in our prayers.
You're in my prayers. I'm here to help too and to listen day or night.

Some tips to make sure asher is opening wide --- use your index finger to pull down on the baby's chin in order to bring the lower lip out. You may have to do this for the duration of the feed, but this is usually not necessary. Make sure he opens WIDE WIDE WIDE like a yawn. Wait for him to do so. You want him to get as much of the nipple in as possible. run your nipple, still pointing to the roof of the baby's mouth, along the baby's upper lip, lightly, from one corner of the mouth to the other. Or you can run the baby along your nipple, something some mothers find easier. Other tips:

# Nipples can be warmed for short periods of time after each feeding, using a hair dryer on low setting.
# Nipples should be exposed to air as much as possible.
# When it is not possible to expose nipples to air, plastic dome-shaped breast shells (not nipple shields) can be worn to protect your nipples from rubbing by your clothing. Nursing pads keep moisture against the nipple and may cause damage that way. They also tend to stick to damaged nipples. If you leak a lot you can wear the pad over the breast shell.

I hope this helps even just a little bit.
ShannaKay said…
Crying right along with you! Yeah, ditto with everyone else, BF gets easier....you can do it. I remember crying for the first week or two cause they hurt. Oh, try different positions laying down or putting Asher in the football hold. Barend did better in that hold. With Juniper it doesnt seem to make a difference.

Dont be afraid to cry it out. You may not understand why you're crying all the time, but it helps.

In regards to Steve, you'll get him back....maybe not to the extent you had him cause you're sharing now :) It'll work and you'll find ways to spend some time. Love you lots!!
Mindy Richmond said…
I see you've already received lots of great advice but I'll chime in anyway.

I had the pain with breastfeeding too. It does go away like everyone has said. I used to have to keep a pillow handy and when he would latch on I would just squeeze the pillow for dear life. I also used the breast shells that ms. beth mentioned and they helped A LOT.

When I had my first emotional breakdown my sweet hubby called my sister for me and she talked me through it and let me know this: EVERY mother has at least one emotional breakdown, usually many more. It is completely normal. That is the beauty of a woman, that she can feel so blessed and yet so wretched all at the same time. You are doing great. Enjoy every moment!
Anonymous said…
Kim~
I cannot sit here and give you tons of good tips, because I dont have any kids myself, so I dont know what to tell you. What I can tell you is this. God blessed you with a wonderful, healthy, beautiful boy...that he knew was a perfect fit for you and Steve. You will be, and already are a wonderful mommy. I am praying for you....let me know if there is anything I can do.
Take care girly!
Anonymous said…
That last comment was by me, Megghan Shaver....I forgot to sign it. Opps. Have a good day with your sweet baby!
Phoenix Rising said…
thank you ladies! you are all so wonderful! thanks for the advice and support and love. this is hard work!! :-) but i do love every moment of it!
Katie said…
Oh, I sobbed randomly for the first two weeks. The tiniest things would set me off, and I know Mark was worried about me. It felt like I had lost my entire identity and was replaced by "Mama" - and I had no idea WHO that was.
But one day it felt like the clouds parted and I felt like ME again - I think the hardest part of feeling that way is that we have a tendency to make ourselves feel bad about feeling bad. Not helpful.
It will get better (hopefully already is) and as your little lovebug sleeps more regularly and for longer periods of time - you and Steve will find each other again. I missed Mark most of all after Hazel was born.
I think you're doing great - just keep pouring out love all over that baby and all will be OK.
Wendy said…
I have those breast shields also if you want to try them. I never used them. The nurses tried ALL kinds of contraptions on me trying to get Jake to nurse.

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