bummed
i'm having a rough day today. it started good, but now i'm just bummed. asher's rash is getting worse. which makes me think we are dealing with thrush. my right breast hurts quite a bit too. it comes and goes...it seems to get worse towards the end of the day, with shooting pain even after the feeding is done. it's just strange because my left side doesn't hurt. and i guess i just thought that if i had thrush, both sides would hurt. i also noticed a small white spot in ashers mouth today. he wouldn't open for me again, so i have to wait until he open wide again before i can check it out again...then the bad news...his bilirubin levels went back up. we're back in the 15's. 15.6 which pretty much proves that i have breastfeeding jaundice...which means i have an enzyme in my breast milk that prevents asher's liver to properly remove the bilirubin...which will probably mean that i'll have to supplement with formula for 48 hours...which sucks! it makes me feel like a failure as a mother. my milk is making him sick. how horrible is that? the crazy thing is that he's gaining weight like crazy. he's up to 9lbs 3 oz. at least my milk is making him fat...
i know i should be happy because i have this amazing son, who's, well, amazing. for the most part he's healthy. he's happy, but this process has been so hard for me to go through. watching him get pocked day after day. spending day after day attached to this crazy uv contraption. now watching a rash spread over his sensitive parts... i guess i just thought that with everything we went through with Jorai, that God would smile down on us and give us a break. which i hate to even say, because He did. He gave us asher. and that's beautiful and wonderful and i'm in awe of His blessings...but to also have this on-going struggle with jaundice and now thrush, it's just starting to get to my emotions. i feel drained. on the verge of tears. i wanted breastfeeding to go so well, and now i can barely sit when asher latches on to my right breast. i want to jump up and scream. i want to cry when i see his rash and feel him tense up when he gets his blood drawn. and now i may have to supplement with formula and introduce a bottle and risk losing the ability to breastfeed all together. i don't know...it pisses me off.
what i need to keep in the forefront of my thoughts is that asher's here. he's amazing. he's, for the most part, healthy and happy. and i've gotten what i've been praying for, for years. a child. a beautiful, wonderful, amazing child.
it's just been so hard to have this vision of having a wonderful breastfeeding experience, only to have it not happen the way i envisioned. and then to see him in discomfort. i hope that after the jaundice subsides and the thrush is cured and the diaper rash looks even a little less severe, that my vision of breastfeeding becomes my reality and my son can thrive in peace, rather than in the throws of nurses and blood draws and a mama who cries when she breastfeeds.
sorry, i don't want this to become a sob story. i really do feel blessed to simply have asher here with us. our problems are so minuscule. i just needed to get this out. thanks for listening...
i know i should be happy because i have this amazing son, who's, well, amazing. for the most part he's healthy. he's happy, but this process has been so hard for me to go through. watching him get pocked day after day. spending day after day attached to this crazy uv contraption. now watching a rash spread over his sensitive parts... i guess i just thought that with everything we went through with Jorai, that God would smile down on us and give us a break. which i hate to even say, because He did. He gave us asher. and that's beautiful and wonderful and i'm in awe of His blessings...but to also have this on-going struggle with jaundice and now thrush, it's just starting to get to my emotions. i feel drained. on the verge of tears. i wanted breastfeeding to go so well, and now i can barely sit when asher latches on to my right breast. i want to jump up and scream. i want to cry when i see his rash and feel him tense up when he gets his blood drawn. and now i may have to supplement with formula and introduce a bottle and risk losing the ability to breastfeed all together. i don't know...it pisses me off.
what i need to keep in the forefront of my thoughts is that asher's here. he's amazing. he's, for the most part, healthy and happy. and i've gotten what i've been praying for, for years. a child. a beautiful, wonderful, amazing child.
it's just been so hard to have this vision of having a wonderful breastfeeding experience, only to have it not happen the way i envisioned. and then to see him in discomfort. i hope that after the jaundice subsides and the thrush is cured and the diaper rash looks even a little less severe, that my vision of breastfeeding becomes my reality and my son can thrive in peace, rather than in the throws of nurses and blood draws and a mama who cries when she breastfeeds.
sorry, i don't want this to become a sob story. i really do feel blessed to simply have asher here with us. our problems are so minuscule. i just needed to get this out. thanks for listening...
Comments
I have been my sister's breastfeeding mentor for the last four months. It is such a difficult thing for lots of women...that is why so many of them give up. It doesn't make it any easier that the hospital sends you home with Enfamil pariphanallia, they send samples in the mail, coupons...etc. If a woman doesn't have someone to give them positive support and let them know it will get better...it is easy to just quit. Believe me, it is worth it.
I believe this so strongly that I have decided to enroll in nursing school this fall to become a lactation consultant. When I was forced to give up nursing Eva because of my accident...it made my convictions so much stronger. Something so special was ripped away from me; It makes me want to give back and help other women. Anyway, it is worth it...and if you have to give him a little formula in a bottle, chances he won't take the breast are VERY slim. mama's milk tastes so much better. Eva had a bottle (and paci) by the time she was 10 days old and in the hospital with RSV; she had NO problem switching back. I think she was actually relieved that mommy's milk was back. You can also try using a finger feeder instead of a bottle...some say that it causes less nipple confusion than a bottle. Either way...you are doing AWESOME if he is gaining weight that fast. Don't get down on yourself!
Sorry if I went on so much...but I had a lot of the problems you seem to be having, and I know it is hard so I want to help if I can :)
thank you. i'd love to talk with you. i just feel so helpless right now. it would take a lot more to give up trying, but i am in a funk. i've heard of gentian violet...is it safe? where can i find it? does it really help that much? let me know!!! i also have a crack in the r. nipple that could be the cause of the pain..or at least parts of it. thanks for all the support.
Sorry you are feeling so frustrated. I can only imagine how much you want to just be able to stay home, feed Asher when he is hungry, do whatever...not being going to the doctor to get bili checks....it must be getting old. My sister-in-law has breastfed both my niece and now my nephew, and when she cant, for some reason (like if he is being babysat), she has a special new kind of breastfeeding bottle, that feels so natural....I will ask her what that is for you. He has had formula too a couple times in it...and he still favors being breastfed when she is able to do it. I dont know if that is helpful to know or not...but let me know if you are interested and I can ask her what kind of bottle it is for times like this when you cant use the best option....breastfeeding. Keep your chin up girl. God is right there with you when you are having a hard time, just remember that.
Megghan Shaver
Please bless Kim and Steve and little Asher, give them peace and comfort, and give Kim a refreshing rest! Please hold them and comfort them in this stressful time. Thank you for little Asher, and the blessings that will last a life time! Amen!