freak-out

last night i had a bit of a freak-out. at about 10 i suddenly realized that i couldn't remember if i'd felt the baby move in the past hour or so. i remembered feeling hiccups, but then there was nothing. i laid down and started probing my belly trying to get a reaction but there was none. i started panicking. all the emotions of losing Jorai flooded back to me in a single moment. the ride to the hospital, the long ride up the elevator, lying on the exam table, the still heart being displayed on the screen. i thought i was going to have to re-live my deepest fear. i was wondering if i should call steve or just go into the hospital. i didn't know if i should wait a bit longer or run to the hospital.

i decided to drink some juice and wait a bit longer. about 10 minutes later i felt the first couple soft kicks. i was relieved, but i still didn't believe that the baby was ok. it wasn't until 5 minutes later or so that i finally felt some stronger kicks and started feeling ok.

i can't describe the feeling of thinking i've lost another child and then realizing that the baby was still ok. it was devastating one second, and beautiful the next. i hate having the knowledge and experience of loss. it's always on my mind. always right there behind the joy.

i simply feel relieved and blessed to have this child alive, within me now. i feel truly blessed.