hair help

i just got back from my first morning walk. it felt so empty. it was refreshing and sweat filled, but empty. 'the plan' was, after i had Jorai, i would throw her in the sling and leave the house, when steve left, for a morning walk. this morning i felt so alone. i looked to the sky and there was a beautiful break in the clouds where the suns rays broke through. it was beautiful. i felt comforted in a way.

last night steve and i were talking about Jorai and he said that when we're sitting at the dinner table is when he really misses her. he still can't believe that she not there with us. throwing food and what not.. it's the everyday mundane activities that leave an emptiness. each night when i roll over, i expect to see her, hear her, as she sleeps between steve and i. but there's nothing but the 2 of us.

this weekend was hard on me. again, it was the little things. not being able to figure something out on the mac, blew my fuse. it almost ended up in the street. and i broke down. the anger turned to sorrow. steve and i went to riv this weekend for the first time. i was trying to be so strong. but the message was just too hard. i kept tearing up. and it didn't help that just 2 rows ahead of us was a 3 week old baby. i wanted so much to hold him. then sunday we went to steve's parents church, the river, in hartford. the message was great and it didn't spark any tears. but then it happened. the pastor, an amazing man, came up to steve and i right after the service to give us big hugs and tell us he loved us and has been thinking of and praying for us the past 2 weeks. that did me in. the tears came. when that happens, when the tears come, it's hard for me to snap back to reality. the rest of the afternoon was miserable. i was with Jorai. i felt bad. it was fathers day. i wanted to make it special for steve, and i was miserable.

after a few hours of reading and writing and vegging, i was able to snap back to reality. i took steve to spags for some pizza. gorgonzola and sun dried tomato. we had never gone there before and that's where he wanted to go, so we went. it was amazing pizza. i highly recommend it. we then went to hawk island for a walk. it felt nice to back in the land of the living, but every time i step into it, i remember that i'm leaving someone behind.

but i feel like i'm turning over a new leaf. each day gets a bit easier. each day brings more healing. and today i started charting my basal temperature to start tracking my ovulation cycles. i know my cycle will be all crazy since delivering, so i thought i'd get a head start on my tracking. it brings me joy to think of becoming pregnant again. it brings me more joy to think that someday soon, steve and i will be able to be intimate again. it's so hard when you lose something so dear, and your heart aches and all you want is to feel the closeness of your best friend. yet you can't. you have to wait. i truly feel it's torture.