it still surprises me when i look down and can see my feet, my legs. they are normal feet and legs too. no swelling. when i look down i'm thinking i'm going to be seeing Jorai, but it's just an empty stomach. and that stomach seems to be getting smaller and smaller. and my breasts. they're smaller and soft. i told my friend that they were supple the other day and she laughed at me...but they are. i can't remember what they felt like before i got pregnant, but they just feel so foreign.
before i got pregnant, i was trying to lose weight. i was trying to lose my little belly and i would have done almost anything to have smaller breasts. now i want to be big. i want my tummy back. i want Jorai to be flipping inside of me again. i want to look down and feel her move and see my belly getting bigger and bigger. i want to see that brown line moving my my belly and i want my breast to be firm and ready to provide nutrition to our child again.
i still just can't believe what we've been through. our grief is better. each day is 'easier'. my hunger is finally starting to come back. as i sit here typing, i actually want something to eat. i don't have to force myself to chew, which is nice. i can look at Jorai without tears and i can think of the future without guilt. but she's still there each moment. being in her room is manageable, yet devastating. i dreamt of having a baby last night. touching her and to make sure she was alive. i don't know if it was Jorai or a future child. but i loved holding her.
before i got pregnant, i was trying to lose weight. i was trying to lose my little belly and i would have done almost anything to have smaller breasts. now i want to be big. i want my tummy back. i want Jorai to be flipping inside of me again. i want to look down and feel her move and see my belly getting bigger and bigger. i want to see that brown line moving my my belly and i want my breast to be firm and ready to provide nutrition to our child again.
i still just can't believe what we've been through. our grief is better. each day is 'easier'. my hunger is finally starting to come back. as i sit here typing, i actually want something to eat. i don't have to force myself to chew, which is nice. i can look at Jorai without tears and i can think of the future without guilt. but she's still there each moment. being in her room is manageable, yet devastating. i dreamt of having a baby last night. touching her and to make sure she was alive. i don't know if it was Jorai or a future child. but i loved holding her.
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