i've realized today how many people read this blog...i thought it was just a few. i'm amazed. i also realized how dark my posts have been since losing Jorai and how friends are really starting to worry. thank you for you worry. but do know that the times i write, are the times that i'm stuck in the darkness unable to see the light of Christ. these words are written in darkness and through a veil of tears.
these posts have been healing. each time i sit down and type, i weep. whether it's am email to a friend or a blog post, i weep. but i also heal. a bit more at each key stroke. thank you for reading, for praying, for supporting and loving us. thank you every one.
i've also learned today that steve and i aren't alone in our thoughts and grief. i hate the fact that anyone has to go through this pain and it's still hard for me to see it happen to others, and knowing that as we speak someone is delivering silently in a cold hospital room somewhere on this planet kills me. but to know that someone feels as i do, someone understands my pain and eerily has my same thoughts and feelings, is comforting. steve and i don't feel alone. with all of our family and friends supporting us, that's the last thing we feel. although to know someone who truly knows everything we've gone through and continue to go through, is comforting. this kind of loss is indescribable. everyone is at a loss of words, because there are no words to express. but between couples who have walked through the same valley there are silent understandings and pains. there are bridges that don't exist between other couples. there is a love that heals in a way that's unexplainable.
today i couldn't wake up with steve. i felt bad, but i've been so exhausted. we went to bed at 10 last night. i woke at 9:54. that's crazy. i woke to an empty house. and although i would have thought it would be too difficult for me to take, as always Jesus is here. as mad as i am with Him, i realize that He's still here, holding my hand, weeping as i weep. that comforts me. knowing that He is allowing me to be mad at him and he's still loving me through this hell is amazing. i know understand the true love of Christ. i don't understand why He allows this, but i understand His love. i'm mad at Him, but love Him dearly. i still can't open my bible. i can't read His words. but i'm going to try again today. i have a feeling it's more of the enemy trying to pull me away from my Savior, than my own anger.
last night i saw hope in my husbands eyes. i heard his laughter fill the house. it filled me with joy. yet at the same time, i felt guilt. guilt, that we're starting to move on. Jorai is still, yet we're starting to move. sometimes i feel trapped between 2 worlds. a world with Jorai in it and a world without her. how does a mother choose what world to exist in? i know Jorai is gone. but she's my daughter. i'm her mother. how does a mother leave her little girl and move on, maybe start another family another life? how can i move on and leave my little girl as a memory?
these posts have been healing. each time i sit down and type, i weep. whether it's am email to a friend or a blog post, i weep. but i also heal. a bit more at each key stroke. thank you for reading, for praying, for supporting and loving us. thank you every one.
i've also learned today that steve and i aren't alone in our thoughts and grief. i hate the fact that anyone has to go through this pain and it's still hard for me to see it happen to others, and knowing that as we speak someone is delivering silently in a cold hospital room somewhere on this planet kills me. but to know that someone feels as i do, someone understands my pain and eerily has my same thoughts and feelings, is comforting. steve and i don't feel alone. with all of our family and friends supporting us, that's the last thing we feel. although to know someone who truly knows everything we've gone through and continue to go through, is comforting. this kind of loss is indescribable. everyone is at a loss of words, because there are no words to express. but between couples who have walked through the same valley there are silent understandings and pains. there are bridges that don't exist between other couples. there is a love that heals in a way that's unexplainable.
today i couldn't wake up with steve. i felt bad, but i've been so exhausted. we went to bed at 10 last night. i woke at 9:54. that's crazy. i woke to an empty house. and although i would have thought it would be too difficult for me to take, as always Jesus is here. as mad as i am with Him, i realize that He's still here, holding my hand, weeping as i weep. that comforts me. knowing that He is allowing me to be mad at him and he's still loving me through this hell is amazing. i know understand the true love of Christ. i don't understand why He allows this, but i understand His love. i'm mad at Him, but love Him dearly. i still can't open my bible. i can't read His words. but i'm going to try again today. i have a feeling it's more of the enemy trying to pull me away from my Savior, than my own anger.
last night i saw hope in my husbands eyes. i heard his laughter fill the house. it filled me with joy. yet at the same time, i felt guilt. guilt, that we're starting to move on. Jorai is still, yet we're starting to move. sometimes i feel trapped between 2 worlds. a world with Jorai in it and a world without her. how does a mother choose what world to exist in? i know Jorai is gone. but she's my daughter. i'm her mother. how does a mother leave her little girl and move on, maybe start another family another life? how can i move on and leave my little girl as a memory?
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