there's a part of me that wants to pack up all of the cards and dried up roses next to Jorai's picture. a part of me even wants to put away Jorai's picture. a part of me feels so sad every time i look into the living room and see it filled with reminders of our little girl. but then i get the tinge of guilt that i've become so accustom to and the other side of me cries out in fear about the thought of removing anything from the room that has memories of Jorai.
i still forget what she looked like. as soon as that feeling takes hold, i have to run over and look at her. but i can only see her face. i have to imagine the rest. how do you remember someone you only saw for a few hours. yet how can you forget what your child looks like?
i want to move on. i want to move past the pain. i want to get a sense of normality back into my life, but how can i when i'm surrounded by the pain of losing Jorai. yet how can i pack up my little girls memories in a box. for the most part these cards and dead flowers, the books and ornament, the memorial stones and plants and the only memories we have.
i have memories of carrying her. i have memories of birthing her and meeting her for the few short hours we had together. i have the clothes she wore for so briefly, but they don't smell like her. i can't even remember how she smelled. that kills me. i have the memory of her lifeless, feather - like body in my arms and the tears streaming down my husbands face. these aren't happy memories. the only happy memories we have to hold onto are when i was carrying her and when we got to feel her move within me and all of the love everyone has out poured on us since her passing. if these well wishes and beautiful gifts are the only happy memories we have to touch and hold, how can i pack them away? and if i can't pack them away, how can i let go of this pain?
i miss our daughter so much at times, i feel like a part of me dies. i know it doesn't. but the pain is so intense, it feels like death. i remember when i was praying one day when i first became a believer. i was having a rough day and i bowed my head while i sat in front of my computer at work and called out to God for comfort. i wanted so much to be held and it was the only time that i actually felt His presence. i could actually feel His arms wrapped around me. i went from feeling so sad and alone to elated. my entire body shivered. i would do anything to feel His presence like that again. i would do anything to feel Jesus wrap His arms around me.
i still forget what she looked like. as soon as that feeling takes hold, i have to run over and look at her. but i can only see her face. i have to imagine the rest. how do you remember someone you only saw for a few hours. yet how can you forget what your child looks like?
i want to move on. i want to move past the pain. i want to get a sense of normality back into my life, but how can i when i'm surrounded by the pain of losing Jorai. yet how can i pack up my little girls memories in a box. for the most part these cards and dead flowers, the books and ornament, the memorial stones and plants and the only memories we have.
i have memories of carrying her. i have memories of birthing her and meeting her for the few short hours we had together. i have the clothes she wore for so briefly, but they don't smell like her. i can't even remember how she smelled. that kills me. i have the memory of her lifeless, feather - like body in my arms and the tears streaming down my husbands face. these aren't happy memories. the only happy memories we have to hold onto are when i was carrying her and when we got to feel her move within me and all of the love everyone has out poured on us since her passing. if these well wishes and beautiful gifts are the only happy memories we have to touch and hold, how can i pack them away? and if i can't pack them away, how can i let go of this pain?
i miss our daughter so much at times, i feel like a part of me dies. i know it doesn't. but the pain is so intense, it feels like death. i remember when i was praying one day when i first became a believer. i was having a rough day and i bowed my head while i sat in front of my computer at work and called out to God for comfort. i wanted so much to be held and it was the only time that i actually felt His presence. i could actually feel His arms wrapped around me. i went from feeling so sad and alone to elated. my entire body shivered. i would do anything to feel His presence like that again. i would do anything to feel Jesus wrap His arms around me.
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