my dichotomy
i got this from a friend today and knowing this innately, really helps.
people keep telling me how strong i am. yet i feel so weak. if i believe in all things that God is good. that Jesus loves me and holds me and mourns with me, why at times do i question His love? why at times, do i blame Him for taking my sweet Jorai? steve is so strong. he sees the Truth. he knows the Truth. he trusts in God completely. right now, if i'm being honest with myself, i don't. and i think that makes this whole situation even harder.
i keep thinking of that song...
i know Jesus is standing next to me, weeping for our loss. i know He holds our little girl. and every time i think of this i weep along with Him. i know He loves me. i know He's sad. but i also know He allowed this to happen and that is what i don't understand.
i hate that my faith is being tested. i hate feeling weak and vulnerable. i want faith like abrahams. he was willing to sacrifice his son. his faith in the Lord was so strong. i am not that strong. my faith is weak. i am weak.
Two simple words from the bible keep repeating themselves in my mind 'JESUS WEPT'. You know he is standing by your side heartbroken for you. But - I can also picture God holding your sweet baby girl wanting you to know she is a special gift in heaven.but the dichotomy of this situation is this. i love God above all things. above myself, my marriage, even above my sweet little girl. but in my mourning, i have to admit that i'm pissed at Him almost as much as i love Him. this continues to be a huge test of my faith.
people keep telling me how strong i am. yet i feel so weak. if i believe in all things that God is good. that Jesus loves me and holds me and mourns with me, why at times do i question His love? why at times, do i blame Him for taking my sweet Jorai? steve is so strong. he sees the Truth. he knows the Truth. he trusts in God completely. right now, if i'm being honest with myself, i don't. and i think that makes this whole situation even harder.
i keep thinking of that song...
He gives and takes away,a dear friend of ours almost lost his wife 2 years ago. she's been in hospital care ever since having a reaction to anesthetic. she's awake, but not fully there. it's been devastating for him as well as all of his family and friends. after a few months had passed, he came to riv and that song was sung. i noticed him standing there, a man of great faith, a man i looked up to for faith and mentoring. yet he stood stoic. lifeless. almost white. he wouldn't utter the words. he used to sing loud in worship. but not that day. the song pissed him off. he realized at that point that the God, the Savior he loved so much, let his wife suffer the way she has. after service, he talked about the song and how much he use to love it and find comfort in the words, yet that day he hated it. this is where i am today.
He gives and takes away,
My heart will surely say
Blessed be His name.
i know Jesus is standing next to me, weeping for our loss. i know He holds our little girl. and every time i think of this i weep along with Him. i know He loves me. i know He's sad. but i also know He allowed this to happen and that is what i don't understand.
i hate that my faith is being tested. i hate feeling weak and vulnerable. i want faith like abrahams. he was willing to sacrifice his son. his faith in the Lord was so strong. i am not that strong. my faith is weak. i am weak.
Comments
as for your faith...even Jesus cried out to the Father, "why have you forsaken me?". it's a common (yet sucky, no less) theme throughout the Bible. we question God. i think that times like the one you and steve are going through strengthen your faith...in time. i love you, friend. you're in my prayers.