frustration, anger

i learned to day how shakable i still am. trying to create something on the computer and not being able to do it, almost caused me to literally chuck the mac out the window. when i decided that wasn't the best choice, i sat and cried. such a silly little task really. yet as i continued not comprehending and unable to finish the project, i almost snapped.

i still have my bursts of emotions that i just can't control. i want to control them. i want to feel normal again. i want to have the desire to leave my house and do things. i want to laugh on my own again, not just when people make me. i want to look into the mirror and smile. i want to love me again. i want to trust that life may have it's ups and downs but that in the end everything will work out. i want to be carefree. i want to be intimate with my husband. i want to feel that closeness. i want to stop bleeding. i want the roses next to Jorai's picture to come back alive. i want death to stop surrounding me and penetrating my thoughts. i want to feel alive. i want my breath to mean something. i want to be able to touch someone without wanting to break down and sob in their arms. i want to stop crying. i want my heart to stop breaking every time i think of Jorai.

will it every stop breaking?