i woke last night at 1:15 with a terror. i don't remember what my dream was but as i woke, all i could think of was Jorai. i was scared. i couldn't settle down. i prayed but i still felt this sense of despair taking over me. i fell into and out of sleep for the next hour, each time waking as before. petrified.
what was that? why did i wake scared? this constant hell i'm in is so consuming. i'm sick of it. i pray, i trust God, i try to hold onto the good, and my sorrow is decreasing, i'm healing more each day, yet i'm not. yesterday was a good day. i had a great conversation with a friend. i learned to knit. and steve and i laughed together. it feels so good to laugh with my best friend again. but then, out of no where. out of a sleep i'm wracked with fear. why does this happen? where does it come from? why does this continue?
i'm trying so hard to trust God. i'm trying so hard to not be angry. i want to be positive, i want to honor Jorai and not fall into despair. but it's so hard. you try so hard. you trust and heal and laugh and dream. and then out of no where you're in that hospital room with you lifeless child in your arms. you look down at her body and realize she will be taken away soon. the child you were suppose to love and raise with your best friend will never be heard in your house, will never feel your touch.
i still question everything i did. did i take care of myself properly, stay away from all toxins as best as i could? did i hold her long enough? did we take as many photos as we should have? did i gaze at her body and take in all the memories i could? these questions paralyze me. i'll never be in her presence again here on this earth. i'll never see her or be able to kiss her until i meet her again. how do i let this go?
will this pain ever lessen? i want her memory to be a beautiful one, not one filled with questions and terrors. why do the questions and terrors keep coming? haven't we been through enough? haven't i been tested enough? why am i filled with terror? help me to find peace. help me to let go of the pain and allow my heart to only be filled with her beauty and grace rather than my fear and sorrow.
what was that? why did i wake scared? this constant hell i'm in is so consuming. i'm sick of it. i pray, i trust God, i try to hold onto the good, and my sorrow is decreasing, i'm healing more each day, yet i'm not. yesterday was a good day. i had a great conversation with a friend. i learned to knit. and steve and i laughed together. it feels so good to laugh with my best friend again. but then, out of no where. out of a sleep i'm wracked with fear. why does this happen? where does it come from? why does this continue?
i'm trying so hard to trust God. i'm trying so hard to not be angry. i want to be positive, i want to honor Jorai and not fall into despair. but it's so hard. you try so hard. you trust and heal and laugh and dream. and then out of no where you're in that hospital room with you lifeless child in your arms. you look down at her body and realize she will be taken away soon. the child you were suppose to love and raise with your best friend will never be heard in your house, will never feel your touch.
i still question everything i did. did i take care of myself properly, stay away from all toxins as best as i could? did i hold her long enough? did we take as many photos as we should have? did i gaze at her body and take in all the memories i could? these questions paralyze me. i'll never be in her presence again here on this earth. i'll never see her or be able to kiss her until i meet her again. how do i let this go?
will this pain ever lessen? i want her memory to be a beautiful one, not one filled with questions and terrors. why do the questions and terrors keep coming? haven't we been through enough? haven't i been tested enough? why am i filled with terror? help me to find peace. help me to let go of the pain and allow my heart to only be filled with her beauty and grace rather than my fear and sorrow.
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