i just can't sop crying tonight. the despair has taken hold again. i don't know why it comes in waves like this. i just keep wishing that i could hold on to the happy memories of Jorai within me, happy and kicking, instead i keep reliving the horror. her birth, her limpness. i would do anything to see her laughing right now. to see the light of her eyes. to hold her. this will never be reality for me as i live my days on this earth. it can only be in dreams. i long to have those dreams too. to be with her in my dreams, but they don't come either.
i haven't cried this hard in weeks. i haven't felt this despair. but it's here now. with a vengeance. why? why does it keep coming? steve said today that he sometimes gets mad at himself if he forgets for a little bit about what we've lost. why does this process seem never ending? i feel as if i'm in this vast tunnel. some days i see the light of day and have hope for the possibility of being parents but then i seem to lose my hold and fall even deeper down the side and what once was blue sky is now only darkness. tonight has darkness. it's all around me. i should be upstairs in my husbands arms but i didn't want to wake him with my tears. so i sit here in the darkness alone. sad that my husband gets mad at himself if he forgets for a bit and utter devestation within myself for all we've lost.
i prayed a prayer tonight to bring our daughter into our dreams tonight. i prayed that they would be happy dreams. the only dream i've had of her was her frozen and melting. just another bad vision to keep with all the others. i need a happy vision of her. i know deep down that she's up in heaven with Jesus and Jayden and all of our family and friends who have passed, whooping it up, but i would love to have that vision of her. i vision her frail lifeless body daily, i retrace my steps of those horrid days surrounding her passing. i want so badly to see her happy.
this sadness is all consuming me at times. i want to be hopeful. i want to see life in my eyes again. will i ever find the peace i search for? God, please help us.
i haven't cried this hard in weeks. i haven't felt this despair. but it's here now. with a vengeance. why? why does it keep coming? steve said today that he sometimes gets mad at himself if he forgets for a little bit about what we've lost. why does this process seem never ending? i feel as if i'm in this vast tunnel. some days i see the light of day and have hope for the possibility of being parents but then i seem to lose my hold and fall even deeper down the side and what once was blue sky is now only darkness. tonight has darkness. it's all around me. i should be upstairs in my husbands arms but i didn't want to wake him with my tears. so i sit here in the darkness alone. sad that my husband gets mad at himself if he forgets for a bit and utter devestation within myself for all we've lost.
i prayed a prayer tonight to bring our daughter into our dreams tonight. i prayed that they would be happy dreams. the only dream i've had of her was her frozen and melting. just another bad vision to keep with all the others. i need a happy vision of her. i know deep down that she's up in heaven with Jesus and Jayden and all of our family and friends who have passed, whooping it up, but i would love to have that vision of her. i vision her frail lifeless body daily, i retrace my steps of those horrid days surrounding her passing. i want so badly to see her happy.
this sadness is all consuming me at times. i want to be hopeful. i want to see life in my eyes again. will i ever find the peace i search for? God, please help us.
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Love. Jen.