this is the week Jorai was suppose to be born. it's also the week i ovulated...sorry i'm being so open boys...but my point it that this is such a strange week of emotions for me. i'm sad yet hopeful. i'm spending more time in Jorai's room this week but in addition to thinking about our loss, i'm also thinking about the possibility of another child that may someday lie in this lonely little crib. this is the first time i've been hopeful that we may one day be parents. i'm trying not to get too hopeful yet at the same time, not be too hopeless.
i can't believe that it's been over 3 months since we lost our baby girl. the time has flown. i can't believe i've healed so much. i still break down. i still miss her, i always will. i think of her always, i feel i can't even have a conversation without bringing her up in some way. i still get twangs in my belly and think there's a piece of her still there kicking me with those long legs of hers. my belly is getting smaller and smaller, yet i wish it were getting bigger and bigger.
i wonder if i'll always look at August 25 and think of her birth, just as i will for June 3. will those dates always be a haunting reminder of our pain? our loss? i don't know. all i know is that we had this amazing little girl growing inside of me for 7 months and it didn't matter how much love we had for her, how much hope and dreams we had for her life. it didn't matter how well i took care of myself, whether i went through it all natural or not. it didn't matter that we were financially secure, emotionally secure or mentally secure. nothing mattered except God's plan for her. i question everything but even my questions don't matter. i often wonder why God gives people healthy children, when all i see in their life is unpaid bills, immaturity and unhealthy lifestyles. but that doesn't matter because God gave those people children. it's not what i want that matters. it's not what i see is 'the right way' that matters. it's God. period. i can't look at peoples lives anymore and wonder why, yet rather just pray that God's will be done.
so what do i do with this knowledge? how do i make it work in my life? how do i let it ring true in my ears? how do i let it remind me when i start to go all selfish again? i miss our daughter tremendously. i'm still angry that she was taken from us. but i also know she's in my Saviors arms. how cool is that?! she's living it up with God. and i know that one day, i'll go home to be with God and Jorai and all the other loved ones we've lost. until then, i know she's already there. no pain, no sorrow, no tears. just my baby girl, with God, smiling and laughing and enjoying every second of eternity in paradise.
and as we continue to try for another child, i have to hold on to God and wait for His blessings. again it's not what i want, but what He whats that matters. as hard as it is to wait and see friend after friend get pregnant and go through pregnancy and then deliver, i have to be strong in my faith, i have to be strong in waiting.
how do i become strong when i feel so weak?
i can't believe that it's been over 3 months since we lost our baby girl. the time has flown. i can't believe i've healed so much. i still break down. i still miss her, i always will. i think of her always, i feel i can't even have a conversation without bringing her up in some way. i still get twangs in my belly and think there's a piece of her still there kicking me with those long legs of hers. my belly is getting smaller and smaller, yet i wish it were getting bigger and bigger.
i wonder if i'll always look at August 25 and think of her birth, just as i will for June 3. will those dates always be a haunting reminder of our pain? our loss? i don't know. all i know is that we had this amazing little girl growing inside of me for 7 months and it didn't matter how much love we had for her, how much hope and dreams we had for her life. it didn't matter how well i took care of myself, whether i went through it all natural or not. it didn't matter that we were financially secure, emotionally secure or mentally secure. nothing mattered except God's plan for her. i question everything but even my questions don't matter. i often wonder why God gives people healthy children, when all i see in their life is unpaid bills, immaturity and unhealthy lifestyles. but that doesn't matter because God gave those people children. it's not what i want that matters. it's not what i see is 'the right way' that matters. it's God. period. i can't look at peoples lives anymore and wonder why, yet rather just pray that God's will be done.
so what do i do with this knowledge? how do i make it work in my life? how do i let it ring true in my ears? how do i let it remind me when i start to go all selfish again? i miss our daughter tremendously. i'm still angry that she was taken from us. but i also know she's in my Saviors arms. how cool is that?! she's living it up with God. and i know that one day, i'll go home to be with God and Jorai and all the other loved ones we've lost. until then, i know she's already there. no pain, no sorrow, no tears. just my baby girl, with God, smiling and laughing and enjoying every second of eternity in paradise.
and as we continue to try for another child, i have to hold on to God and wait for His blessings. again it's not what i want, but what He whats that matters. as hard as it is to wait and see friend after friend get pregnant and go through pregnancy and then deliver, i have to be strong in my faith, i have to be strong in waiting.
how do i become strong when i feel so weak?
Comments