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i was asked by one of my patients to day if i had delivered. i knew it would come. i feel so bad. for her, she felt bad for asking, and for me. i simple said that we had lost her. what a word lost. as if i could find her some where. as if she were hiding from me. but that's what i said. 'we lost her'. i was ok. the lump in my throat emerged, but tears never flowed.

i will forever hate the question 'do you have children?'. i used to be so excited to be able to answer it. i was over joyed to say 'we will! only a few months now!!'. now what do i say. yes, but she's in heaven.? and if we ever have more children, do i say ' we have 1 child on earth and one with Jesus.'?

it wasn't until i lost Jorai that i started to fully understand what God meant when He said mankind would be cursed. although i was amazingly blessed with such a cool little girl whom God continues to teach me through, her life being taken from us, will be a curse upon my life for the rest of my days on this earth. the memories of all we've lost, the date of her birth, her due date, childbirth questions, medical forms, family questions...they will all spur memories. i know my pain will lesson, but i will forever dread those questions.