sometimes i wonder if we were to get pregnant again, if i'd be able to bond with the child growing within me prior to the birth. i bonded so much with Jorai. i felt as if i knew her before she was even born. i'm scared to be that bonded with another child in fear that we'll lose that child as well. and if i bond with our child in the womb, and we lose them, will i ever make it through it? i don't think i could do this again.
but then i think, how could i not bond with our child? we would love to be parents. we can only dream of it for now. i don't think there's any way for me not to bond as a child grows within me.
but i don't know. sometimes my fear brings doubt into my life.
but i do know that my when has turned to if. i use to always say 'when we get pregnant...' or 'when we have children...'. i no longer say that. i no longer start those sentences out with when but rather if. if we get pregnant. if we have children. of course those that hear me say 'you'll have children'...but they don't know. they say it to reassure me. but i have to be honest with myself, it is an 'if' now, rather than a 'when'. i want to be hopeful, but i also need to prepare myself. thes things scare me.
but then i think, how could i not bond with our child? we would love to be parents. we can only dream of it for now. i don't think there's any way for me not to bond as a child grows within me.
but i don't know. sometimes my fear brings doubt into my life.
but i do know that my when has turned to if. i use to always say 'when we get pregnant...' or 'when we have children...'. i no longer say that. i no longer start those sentences out with when but rather if. if we get pregnant. if we have children. of course those that hear me say 'you'll have children'...but they don't know. they say it to reassure me. but i have to be honest with myself, it is an 'if' now, rather than a 'when'. i want to be hopeful, but i also need to prepare myself. thes things scare me.
Comments