i had a dream last night that i was carrying my daughter. it wasn't Jorai. steve was with me and we were in a hospital. my daughter must have been 1ish, but she was super thin, like Jorai was. all of a sudden she looked up at me with fright. she couldn't breath. i watched as she started turning blue. i tried to help her but i couldn't. i called out for help and someone came running. she looked down at my daughter, picked her up and then looked at me and said there was nothing they could do. then i woke up.
i'm getting tired of feeling hopeless. i don't usually feel this way. but i don't know how else to feel right now. i want to look to the future and see children. but right now, i can't. i don't know if it's satan or fear or reality that's talking. while i'm awake, i try to push these thoughts away, but then they hit me in my dreams. i feel as if i can't get away from them. steve is so strong. his trust in Jesus is amazing. i feel like my faith is so weak. why can't i be strong like that? why is my faith and trust cracking at a ever increasing rate. i want to be an amazing faith warrior, yet all i feel like, is a hypercritical coward. it's only been 11 weeks since we lost Jorai. i know i'm still grieving. i know this process takes time. a part of me feels as if it was yesterday that we lost her. another feels as if it's been years.
i wish i could grab a hold of steve's patience and strength. i need patience. i need to come to terms with my loss and with all my blessings. i need to be patient and content. why can't i find contentment. why am i looking at others lives with envy? when we were pregnant, i was so happy. so excited. i was given everything i had ever hoped and dreamt of. yet with her loss, i feel empty. not with my marriage or friends. not with God. but there's this empty hole that just seems unfillable. i ask Jesus to fill all the voids in my heart. i ask and yearn for his healing touch, but as each days passes, this void remains. i know that i need to be patient, but i'm simply exhausted trying to be patient.
i know God is even more heart broken than i am. i know His love for me is ever flowing. but i'm sitting here heartbroken and in desperate need of His healing touch, i'm calling out for Him to heal me, to fill me, to wrap His arms around my brokenness, and yet as i sit here, i realize that i'm just as heartbroken as i was when i walked through my office door 5 hours ago. where do i go with this? my faith is strong and i love God with all my heart, but i have to admit, i feel so alone right now.
i'm getting tired of feeling hopeless. i don't usually feel this way. but i don't know how else to feel right now. i want to look to the future and see children. but right now, i can't. i don't know if it's satan or fear or reality that's talking. while i'm awake, i try to push these thoughts away, but then they hit me in my dreams. i feel as if i can't get away from them. steve is so strong. his trust in Jesus is amazing. i feel like my faith is so weak. why can't i be strong like that? why is my faith and trust cracking at a ever increasing rate. i want to be an amazing faith warrior, yet all i feel like, is a hypercritical coward. it's only been 11 weeks since we lost Jorai. i know i'm still grieving. i know this process takes time. a part of me feels as if it was yesterday that we lost her. another feels as if it's been years.
i wish i could grab a hold of steve's patience and strength. i need patience. i need to come to terms with my loss and with all my blessings. i need to be patient and content. why can't i find contentment. why am i looking at others lives with envy? when we were pregnant, i was so happy. so excited. i was given everything i had ever hoped and dreamt of. yet with her loss, i feel empty. not with my marriage or friends. not with God. but there's this empty hole that just seems unfillable. i ask Jesus to fill all the voids in my heart. i ask and yearn for his healing touch, but as each days passes, this void remains. i know that i need to be patient, but i'm simply exhausted trying to be patient.
i know God is even more heart broken than i am. i know His love for me is ever flowing. but i'm sitting here heartbroken and in desperate need of His healing touch, i'm calling out for Him to heal me, to fill me, to wrap His arms around my brokenness, and yet as i sit here, i realize that i'm just as heartbroken as i was when i walked through my office door 5 hours ago. where do i go with this? my faith is strong and i love God with all my heart, but i have to admit, i feel so alone right now.
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