bringing Jorai home was harder than i thought. to be honest, i've been meaning to call sparrow for the past 2 weeks. they were suppose to call us when she came in. it was only suppose to take 2-4 weeks. she was cremated on 7 june 07. sparrow must have had her for a while. i just couldn't make myself call. i wanted her home, yet i didn't. bringing her home was the last step. i knew she was gone. i new the only way she would come home would be in a box. my mind knew these things, but my heart just couldn't grasp it.
Jorai came home in a white plastic box and inside the while plastic box is a clear plastic bag tied with a twisty with a metal number dangling from it. her ashes are only a few tablespoons. i can't express to you what it's like to have held my baby girl and then to see her in that plastic bag.
she's sitting here in front of me, in this little plastic box. silence fills the room. no cries or coos or breathing. just silence.
last night i wept in her room. i felt the blanket my mom made for her that's draped over her mattress. i just sat there thinking about all that we lost. i think about her all day long. i guess because i feel the need to touch her again and since i can't, i have to be thinking of her. it's the only way i can keep her close right now.
i wish people could understand this pain. there are times i feel i should be strong enough not to feel this pain. i know there are some people who think i should be the old kim by now. believe me, i want that too! when i'm around people and start to cry, i try to keep it all in. i try to only let a few tears be shown. i don't want to make people uncomfortable. so i hold it in. last night the weekend feelings were purged. i cried the hardest i've cried in weeks. i feel stronger this morning. i prayed hard last night for deliverance. i prayed for restoration and recovery. it was the first time i prayed for recovery. i feel refreshed today.
and as hard as last night was, to see steve bring our baby girl home in a box. i'm glad she's home.
Jorai came home in a white plastic box and inside the while plastic box is a clear plastic bag tied with a twisty with a metal number dangling from it. her ashes are only a few tablespoons. i can't express to you what it's like to have held my baby girl and then to see her in that plastic bag.
she's sitting here in front of me, in this little plastic box. silence fills the room. no cries or coos or breathing. just silence.
last night i wept in her room. i felt the blanket my mom made for her that's draped over her mattress. i just sat there thinking about all that we lost. i think about her all day long. i guess because i feel the need to touch her again and since i can't, i have to be thinking of her. it's the only way i can keep her close right now.
i wish people could understand this pain. there are times i feel i should be strong enough not to feel this pain. i know there are some people who think i should be the old kim by now. believe me, i want that too! when i'm around people and start to cry, i try to keep it all in. i try to only let a few tears be shown. i don't want to make people uncomfortable. so i hold it in. last night the weekend feelings were purged. i cried the hardest i've cried in weeks. i feel stronger this morning. i prayed hard last night for deliverance. i prayed for restoration and recovery. it was the first time i prayed for recovery. i feel refreshed today.
and as hard as last night was, to see steve bring our baby girl home in a box. i'm glad she's home.
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