i feel a bit sad today. i should be happy, getting ready for our trip and knowing in 12 hours or so we'll be breathing in the air of seattle. cool and crisp air from the sound. i miss home.
the waiting is hard on me. the days between ovulation and the first day of my period. wanting to take a pregnancy test, but knowing it's too soon. doing daily body checks and evaluations to see if i feel or look different, maybe i can tell if i'm pregnant. i want a glass of wine, but if i'm pregnant, should i? so i don't. we want so badly to be pregnant. steve has a feeling i am, although he thought i was before we got pregnant with Jorai...and i wasn't. i think he's just so excited to be pregnant again. he wants so much to be a papa. i want him to be a papa. i love all of you dads out there who read my blog, but i honestly think he will be the best papa i know, if we're ever blessed. he is the most caring and patient man. even right after losing Jorai, he would still turns to me and tell me how he wants to raise our children. he's so sincere.
i'm afraid of how i'll feel if we're not pregnant. steve of course will be the strong one and sit patiently for Gods time. i on the other hand may get weepy and throw a temper tantrum. well, it won't get that bad! hopefully. it's been so hard losing Jorai. losing our dream of holding and kissing her. every day i go into her nursery and think of her. i want to give her a brother or sister. i want to feel the joys of pregnancy again. i want to feel life in my belly once more. i want to have hope that one day a nurse will place a wet screaming baby on my bare skin. i want to have hope that i can lose myself in their eyes and know that God created this living miracle for us to raise up in His ways, and until the day He brings one of us home, we'll be a family, here on earth.
the waiting is hard on me. the days between ovulation and the first day of my period. wanting to take a pregnancy test, but knowing it's too soon. doing daily body checks and evaluations to see if i feel or look different, maybe i can tell if i'm pregnant. i want a glass of wine, but if i'm pregnant, should i? so i don't. we want so badly to be pregnant. steve has a feeling i am, although he thought i was before we got pregnant with Jorai...and i wasn't. i think he's just so excited to be pregnant again. he wants so much to be a papa. i want him to be a papa. i love all of you dads out there who read my blog, but i honestly think he will be the best papa i know, if we're ever blessed. he is the most caring and patient man. even right after losing Jorai, he would still turns to me and tell me how he wants to raise our children. he's so sincere.
i'm afraid of how i'll feel if we're not pregnant. steve of course will be the strong one and sit patiently for Gods time. i on the other hand may get weepy and throw a temper tantrum. well, it won't get that bad! hopefully. it's been so hard losing Jorai. losing our dream of holding and kissing her. every day i go into her nursery and think of her. i want to give her a brother or sister. i want to feel the joys of pregnancy again. i want to feel life in my belly once more. i want to have hope that one day a nurse will place a wet screaming baby on my bare skin. i want to have hope that i can lose myself in their eyes and know that God created this living miracle for us to raise up in His ways, and until the day He brings one of us home, we'll be a family, here on earth.
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