weekend
friday was a busy one with getting ready to leave for a full weekend and meeting with my aunt for lunch. it was the first time we met since Jorai passed. so i had to rehash everything. which although that's hard, i've gotten to enjoy (in a way) retelling her story. it's all i have of her really. her story. i guess it's the one thing i can share with people. but it does take a lot out of me. then, friday night we went to steve's friends house. it was nice to spend some time with them. we had a nice dinner and then some time on the lake, but when their daughter asked if i was a mom, my response crushed me...the saturday morning post explains that...
saturday was fun. we went to a friends party. it was nice to spend time with them. they are the kind of friends that make friendships naturally fun. i feel refreshed around them. the party was nice. there were 3 kids running around and felt ok with that. but then steve and i were talking to someone about rings and he told them we were currently designing a ring. she instantly looked at me and asked 'for what?'. as soon as i opened my mouth to tell her, tears came. i felt silly. here we were at a party and i was crying. my biggest fear.
my sister in law's sister lost her child to trisomy 18 complications last fall. he was a few hours old. she once said that normal people have stress baskets that are half full, so when something comes at them, they can put it in their basket and go on, about their day...but when you have something drastic happen to you, your stress basket overflows, and when something comes at you, you get even more overwhelmed. i guess that's how i've been feeling. little things are so hard for me to cope with. small things set me off. little things make me cry. sometimes i'm ok one second and then crying the next.
but, after the cry fest at the party, we played guitar hero...i haven't laughed that hard in a while. it was nice to smile again. fun game...i recommend it. although it's crazy hard!
when we got back to the in-laws, i was exhausted. too much up and down. that night, i woke at 4am. this is getting regular. it happens about twice a week. i'll wake at 4 and rethink everything at the hospital. when we found out we had lost Jorai , the birth, holding her, seeing the trickle of blood fall from her tiny nose. man, that gets me every time. it's almost a panicky thing. like i could have done something. i think of the pregnant woman that stopped at our garage sale before we left for the hospital..i rethink the entire 2 days. i can't fall back to sleep. all i can do is think about it. i pray to be delivered from this, but it keeps coming.
that morning we got ready to go to the lake. i was on my last nerve and it didn't help that i got my period at the party on saturday (sorry boys..) but it's just another reminder of what i've lost. i knew i had the entire day left so i tried to take a deep breath and let life roll. and it was a pretty good day. i had my moments, but i also had a blast. we took the hobie cat out with 4 people. it was a blast. i've never gotten so wet on that thing. we got sopped. i was laughing the entire time. we got to share a picnic and i got to end my day with a sleeping baby on my chest for over an hour. i couldn't put him down. it felt so good. as soon as they put him in my arms he put his head on my chest and feel asleep. i could have held him for hours.
when we got home, we jumped in the shower and enjoyed a glass of wine and a movie. it's so nice to have the quiet again. being in this house, by myself, has been so healing. whether i need Jorai time with thinking about her, crying, sitting in her room...or God time in prayer or the word..or just me time, journaling or taking in the quiet of the day. it's really been healing. but i know i also need to get out in the world more. i need to be able to deal with the people that stress me. i need to get used to that again.
anyway, that was my weekend in a nutshell. ups and downs. i can't wait until i'm the even keel kim again.
saturday was fun. we went to a friends party. it was nice to spend time with them. they are the kind of friends that make friendships naturally fun. i feel refreshed around them. the party was nice. there were 3 kids running around and felt ok with that. but then steve and i were talking to someone about rings and he told them we were currently designing a ring. she instantly looked at me and asked 'for what?'. as soon as i opened my mouth to tell her, tears came. i felt silly. here we were at a party and i was crying. my biggest fear.
my sister in law's sister lost her child to trisomy 18 complications last fall. he was a few hours old. she once said that normal people have stress baskets that are half full, so when something comes at them, they can put it in their basket and go on, about their day...but when you have something drastic happen to you, your stress basket overflows, and when something comes at you, you get even more overwhelmed. i guess that's how i've been feeling. little things are so hard for me to cope with. small things set me off. little things make me cry. sometimes i'm ok one second and then crying the next.
but, after the cry fest at the party, we played guitar hero...i haven't laughed that hard in a while. it was nice to smile again. fun game...i recommend it. although it's crazy hard!
when we got back to the in-laws, i was exhausted. too much up and down. that night, i woke at 4am. this is getting regular. it happens about twice a week. i'll wake at 4 and rethink everything at the hospital. when we found out we had lost Jorai , the birth, holding her, seeing the trickle of blood fall from her tiny nose. man, that gets me every time. it's almost a panicky thing. like i could have done something. i think of the pregnant woman that stopped at our garage sale before we left for the hospital..i rethink the entire 2 days. i can't fall back to sleep. all i can do is think about it. i pray to be delivered from this, but it keeps coming.
that morning we got ready to go to the lake. i was on my last nerve and it didn't help that i got my period at the party on saturday (sorry boys..) but it's just another reminder of what i've lost. i knew i had the entire day left so i tried to take a deep breath and let life roll. and it was a pretty good day. i had my moments, but i also had a blast. we took the hobie cat out with 4 people. it was a blast. i've never gotten so wet on that thing. we got sopped. i was laughing the entire time. we got to share a picnic and i got to end my day with a sleeping baby on my chest for over an hour. i couldn't put him down. it felt so good. as soon as they put him in my arms he put his head on my chest and feel asleep. i could have held him for hours.
when we got home, we jumped in the shower and enjoyed a glass of wine and a movie. it's so nice to have the quiet again. being in this house, by myself, has been so healing. whether i need Jorai time with thinking about her, crying, sitting in her room...or God time in prayer or the word..or just me time, journaling or taking in the quiet of the day. it's really been healing. but i know i also need to get out in the world more. i need to be able to deal with the people that stress me. i need to get used to that again.
anyway, that was my weekend in a nutshell. ups and downs. i can't wait until i'm the even keel kim again.
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