hair help

grief is such an interesting process. it's different for everyone and it's probably handled differently in each circumstance. some days i feel ok, some i feel like crap. some days i can go about my day and be enjoying the light when all of a sudden the darkness comes out of nowhere. lately, it's been the night. i can have a good day, exercise and keep myself busy all day but i never get tired. i go to bed, because it's late, and i don't like to go to bed without steve but i just lay there and think about Jorai. for hours i just think. i try to pray to be released from the anxiety, but it still haunts me. i deep breath to try to will myself to sleep, but it's still there. i try to remember the last time i felt her move, i rethink the entire day. i think about the call i made to the doctor and the drive into the hospital. how i knew we already lost our daughter. how all i wanted was to feel her move, but the movement never came. i think about laying on that exam table, waiting for the nurse and then the doctor to find Jorai's heartbeat. knowing it's never taken that long to find it before. and then the ultrasound and the dr. showing us that her heart wasn't beating. i remember the walk down the back hall to our room and feeling tortured by the news. i rethink the way the nurses prepared me and the wait we had to deliver. knowing that our child was inside of me, gone. i wanted her to be born. knowing she was gone, i needed her out. but at the same time, i knew that she would never be 'with' us, and if i delivered her, that would be it. i re-think the last time i looked in the mirror. i remember how i cherished seeing her inside of me one last time. i just stood there in that cold hospital room and stared in the mirror, taking her in. i re-think her birth and holding her. what she looked like. i regret not undressing her and taking in all of her. i regret not taking more pictures of her hands and feet. i regret so much.

this is my night. this is my sleep. i lay awake thinking of our daughter. wishing i could change the outcome but knowing i can't. i'll sleep for an hour or two but then i wake again, and then anxiety hits again and i start to rethink every thing.

i wonder when this will go away. i can't change anything, why am i re-thinking it. every thing is so vivid. as if i'm back there on that exam table, sobbing. watching as steve picked up the phone to call noel and seeing him break down. not being able to get the words out. everything is just so vivid.

i never want to forget Jorai. i always want her a living part of our household, but i also want to start moving on. i want to be able to sleep. i want to feel sleepy again. i want to think of her, but not rethink my every move. i want to remember her as a healthy, kicking baby, who flipped around within me, and stop seeing the the trickle of blood that feel from her nose. i just want to heal so much.