it has finally sunk in. i've learned that by carrying Jorai for those 7 months really puts me in a new ballgame. no one, who has not gone through losing a child, can fully understand this pain and loss. not even my loving and amazing husband. though he feels a loss that is horrible and consuming, he doesn't feel the little things that end up making this healing process so difficult.
in the beginning it was the obvious healing. the bleeding...that redness that in my mind brought me back to Jorai's birth and the trickle of blood that rolled out of her nose. each time i saw the blood coming out of me, i thought of the blood that came from her. then my milk coming in. the physical pain and the emotional pain. i was so looking forward to breast feeding. then it was the linea negra, the brown line from your navel to the nether regions that some pregnant women get. i still have mine. every time i see my naked body, i can still see the line that i couldn't wait to get. i'm not pregnant, yet i still have my pregnancy line. and then, my last glands of Montgomery is still holding on. i thought it would have sloughed off by now. and then the fact that i still can hardy fit into anything. i squeezed into a pair of jeans last night. that was exciting.
but now, it's other situations that slap me in the face. for instance, i love being around kids, but every now and then i'll see a little beatnik girl and remember Jorai. i think of all i've lost and that Jorai will never run around like that. it's painful. these situations come out of no where. last night i saw a pregnant woman. and usually i'm happy when i see a pregnant woman. but not last night. she looked to be my body shape. she was holding her child high, as i did Jorai and she looked to be at about 6-7 months along. she was sitting as if she was uncomfortable, she was leaning as i would when the pressure of Jorai would cause sciatica or heartburn. i couldn't stop staring at her. i couldn't stop wishing i was still pregnant with Jorai, as if wishing it would happen would make it come true. tears kept coming but i was in a crowd. i was surrounded. i had to keep them back. i would stare into the fire to concentrate about pushing the emotions back down. i wanted to get up and run away, but i couldn't. i kept trying to focus on the fire and hold conversations but she was just too close. i finally had to get up and walk away from her. i had to get her out of my sight. i couldn't look at her anymore. i couldn't bare it. it was the first time since i lost Jorai that all of those feelings re-emerged. and what sucked is that they came out of nowhere. it was a great night filled with great happenings and great friends. i was laughing and smiling and enjoying the night but then the sun went down and i just happened to glace to my right and that's all it took to send all these emotions back.
i realized last night that although fathers grieve the loss of their children just as much as mothers. there's something with carrying a child that adds so much more baggage. i just wish so much that these feelings of sorrow would subside. that they wouldn't hit me out of nowhere. that i could feel comfortable going to a party or simply out my front door without running into my sorrow, but i know that won't happen. i wish i could stop feeling the urge to cry. i wish i could be the happy nonchalant kim again, rather than the apprehensive, waiting for the next shoe to drop kim. this is just so hard. i want to enjoy life again. i want my husband to not have to worry about me anymore. i want my laughter to fill all the emptiness so when the sorrow comes i can recognize it, accept it and send it away rather than allowing it to take hold. i want to see a pregnant woman rub her belly and not long to be rubbing my own as i feel our child flip around inside me. how do i get over a loss like this?
i keep seeing all the healing that's happening around me and in me. i see the lessons being learned around me and in me. this brings me joy. knowing Jorai was taken for a reason brings me comfort. but what i'm having a hard time with is the constant pain and sorrow. the tears that come from nowhere. will there be an end to this struggle? i know my pain on earth is but a grain of sand when related to the joy i'll have in eternity with Jesus. i also know my pain is minimal when compared to that of the pain of a child soldier in africa or a martyred christian in asia. but it's still so raw. it's so draining. i want to learn from this pain. i want to be strong. yet at times i just feel so weak.
in the beginning it was the obvious healing. the bleeding...that redness that in my mind brought me back to Jorai's birth and the trickle of blood that rolled out of her nose. each time i saw the blood coming out of me, i thought of the blood that came from her. then my milk coming in. the physical pain and the emotional pain. i was so looking forward to breast feeding. then it was the linea negra, the brown line from your navel to the nether regions that some pregnant women get. i still have mine. every time i see my naked body, i can still see the line that i couldn't wait to get. i'm not pregnant, yet i still have my pregnancy line. and then, my last glands of Montgomery is still holding on. i thought it would have sloughed off by now. and then the fact that i still can hardy fit into anything. i squeezed into a pair of jeans last night. that was exciting.
but now, it's other situations that slap me in the face. for instance, i love being around kids, but every now and then i'll see a little beatnik girl and remember Jorai. i think of all i've lost and that Jorai will never run around like that. it's painful. these situations come out of no where. last night i saw a pregnant woman. and usually i'm happy when i see a pregnant woman. but not last night. she looked to be my body shape. she was holding her child high, as i did Jorai and she looked to be at about 6-7 months along. she was sitting as if she was uncomfortable, she was leaning as i would when the pressure of Jorai would cause sciatica or heartburn. i couldn't stop staring at her. i couldn't stop wishing i was still pregnant with Jorai, as if wishing it would happen would make it come true. tears kept coming but i was in a crowd. i was surrounded. i had to keep them back. i would stare into the fire to concentrate about pushing the emotions back down. i wanted to get up and run away, but i couldn't. i kept trying to focus on the fire and hold conversations but she was just too close. i finally had to get up and walk away from her. i had to get her out of my sight. i couldn't look at her anymore. i couldn't bare it. it was the first time since i lost Jorai that all of those feelings re-emerged. and what sucked is that they came out of nowhere. it was a great night filled with great happenings and great friends. i was laughing and smiling and enjoying the night but then the sun went down and i just happened to glace to my right and that's all it took to send all these emotions back.
i realized last night that although fathers grieve the loss of their children just as much as mothers. there's something with carrying a child that adds so much more baggage. i just wish so much that these feelings of sorrow would subside. that they wouldn't hit me out of nowhere. that i could feel comfortable going to a party or simply out my front door without running into my sorrow, but i know that won't happen. i wish i could stop feeling the urge to cry. i wish i could be the happy nonchalant kim again, rather than the apprehensive, waiting for the next shoe to drop kim. this is just so hard. i want to enjoy life again. i want my husband to not have to worry about me anymore. i want my laughter to fill all the emptiness so when the sorrow comes i can recognize it, accept it and send it away rather than allowing it to take hold. i want to see a pregnant woman rub her belly and not long to be rubbing my own as i feel our child flip around inside me. how do i get over a loss like this?
i keep seeing all the healing that's happening around me and in me. i see the lessons being learned around me and in me. this brings me joy. knowing Jorai was taken for a reason brings me comfort. but what i'm having a hard time with is the constant pain and sorrow. the tears that come from nowhere. will there be an end to this struggle? i know my pain on earth is but a grain of sand when related to the joy i'll have in eternity with Jesus. i also know my pain is minimal when compared to that of the pain of a child soldier in africa or a martyred christian in asia. but it's still so raw. it's so draining. i want to learn from this pain. i want to be strong. yet at times i just feel so weak.
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