update on me
I haven't been posting lately. I'm not sure why. Maybe it's because I'm tired...maybe it's because I feel as if I'm complaining too much. I don't know. I just know it's been awhile. I keep thinking of logging on and letting all these thoughts leave me head, but I never do.
I think it's time for an update.
Asher is hilarious and is changing daily. He's a lover and a bit violent in his loving moments at the same time. But we've been working together and watching how others act around him and it's been amazing how much he's changed. I think when you pay attention, real close attention and find a discipline that works for your kid, amazing things happen. He can still be a stinker, don't get me wrong, but for the most part, he's really turned himself around.
He's talking a ton more now and stringing words together. It's been fun talking with him, though his favorite word lately has been 'why?'...he says it after everything. Over and over and over again. I finally just have to start ignoring him. I feel bad about it, but how do you answer why a car is a car? Or the why he ate something? Silly kid.
He's having his boyhood surgery in mid November and I'm freaking out about it. It scares me to death. I hate that he has to go through this and I feel bad that he'll be in pain and probably scared. Plus since I know someone who had a devastating reaction to anesthetic, I'm most nervous about that. But I know it's the right choice and we just have to trust the doctor to do his thing....there's that action that haunts me...trust.
As for me and the baby, every thing seems fine. I've been a basket-case for the past few weeks. I can't stop thinking of loss. I can't stop thinking that, the last jab I just felt will be the last. I'm 24 weeks. The week I lost Selah. 4 weeks from when I lost Jorai. I can't get away from the fear. People keep asking me at what point will I start to relax. And the truth is, not until I hear a loud scream coming from my wet squirmy baby boy in early February. I've started my ultrasounds...every 2 weeks...for a while and then I start bio-physical profiles and nst's. He's a squirmier and kicker and puncher. I feel him move around a ton. Which is nice. He also likes to show his boyhood. A lot. It's always the first sight I see in an ultrasound. Thank goodness we wanted to find out the sex this time around. The minute a tech puts an ultrasound probe on my tummy, I see legs spread and little boy bits waving hello...now do you think I can get a look at his cute little face? No way. Penis yes, face, no. Hence the lack of ultrasound photos. I seem to have a plethora of leg, hand and penis shots, but no profiles. What a stinker.
That's about it. I've been trying to fill my day and mind with Asher. I find comfort and laughter and love in our time together. I try to focus on us. And not think about what may come. But fear does sneak in, daily, hourly. One thing I've been surprised about, is that I'm already getting excited about Christmas. I'm already thinking about how we can celebrate with Asher and I feel a sense of peace and happiness that surprises me. I thought Christmas was ruined for us since we lost Selah on December 21st. But it seems, that maybe, though it will be hard, I think we'll still be happy and feel blessed this Christmas. And that brings me joy.
So that's it for now. I'll try to check in more often. Cheers my friends.
I think it's time for an update.
Asher is hilarious and is changing daily. He's a lover and a bit violent in his loving moments at the same time. But we've been working together and watching how others act around him and it's been amazing how much he's changed. I think when you pay attention, real close attention and find a discipline that works for your kid, amazing things happen. He can still be a stinker, don't get me wrong, but for the most part, he's really turned himself around.
He's talking a ton more now and stringing words together. It's been fun talking with him, though his favorite word lately has been 'why?'...he says it after everything. Over and over and over again. I finally just have to start ignoring him. I feel bad about it, but how do you answer why a car is a car? Or the why he ate something? Silly kid.
He's having his boyhood surgery in mid November and I'm freaking out about it. It scares me to death. I hate that he has to go through this and I feel bad that he'll be in pain and probably scared. Plus since I know someone who had a devastating reaction to anesthetic, I'm most nervous about that. But I know it's the right choice and we just have to trust the doctor to do his thing....there's that action that haunts me...trust.
As for me and the baby, every thing seems fine. I've been a basket-case for the past few weeks. I can't stop thinking of loss. I can't stop thinking that, the last jab I just felt will be the last. I'm 24 weeks. The week I lost Selah. 4 weeks from when I lost Jorai. I can't get away from the fear. People keep asking me at what point will I start to relax. And the truth is, not until I hear a loud scream coming from my wet squirmy baby boy in early February. I've started my ultrasounds...every 2 weeks...for a while and then I start bio-physical profiles and nst's. He's a squirmier and kicker and puncher. I feel him move around a ton. Which is nice. He also likes to show his boyhood. A lot. It's always the first sight I see in an ultrasound. Thank goodness we wanted to find out the sex this time around. The minute a tech puts an ultrasound probe on my tummy, I see legs spread and little boy bits waving hello...now do you think I can get a look at his cute little face? No way. Penis yes, face, no. Hence the lack of ultrasound photos. I seem to have a plethora of leg, hand and penis shots, but no profiles. What a stinker.
That's about it. I've been trying to fill my day and mind with Asher. I find comfort and laughter and love in our time together. I try to focus on us. And not think about what may come. But fear does sneak in, daily, hourly. One thing I've been surprised about, is that I'm already getting excited about Christmas. I'm already thinking about how we can celebrate with Asher and I feel a sense of peace and happiness that surprises me. I thought Christmas was ruined for us since we lost Selah on December 21st. But it seems, that maybe, though it will be hard, I think we'll still be happy and feel blessed this Christmas. And that brings me joy.
So that's it for now. I'll try to check in more often. Cheers my friends.
Comments
What's going on with Asher? We'll be praying for him.
Thinking about you!!
Shanna
Good idea about asking him!!! I'll try that.