faith
can you love God with all your heart, all your mind and all your soul yet still be angry with Him? i personally know 3 other couples who have lost their babies this year. 3 amazing, God fearing couples. 4 of us have lost our first born. as the holidays begin, i feel the sadness of these families. 3 of us are pregnant again. one has just started to try. we have hopes of becoming parents to living children. we have hopes of hearing cries fill our houses and laughter fill our hearts. we have hopes of kissing warm cheeks and feeling warm breath against our skin. yet as it's a hope filled with excitement and joy, it's also a hope filled with sorrow and tears for the children we've lost.
most days i've accepted our fate. the fate of loss. a loss that will always be there in the questions people ask. do you have children? how many children do you have? it will be there in my husbands face. some nights as i watch him sleep, i see Jorai in his facial outline. i see it in his avoidance of the nursery. i see it in my mothers tears and my mother in-laws tears. our loss surrounds us. our hopes have dwindled. new hopes have risen, yet our old hopes still lie there in the dark, collecting dust. most days i've accepted this.
but some days i can't. i know there are mothers and fathers this very day, this very second, who have just gotten the gut wrenching news. they too have joined the fate of those who have lost. they will have to grieve and try their hardest to drag themselves out of the pit. the pit that just keeps on crashing in. i know their pain. it's just been a mere 6 months since steve and i were thrown in. into the pit. dark, cold. i hate knowing that others have to go through what steve and i went through. it pisses me off. it makes me want to scream at God with all my might. WHY?
but then i feel guilt. i feel guilt because the anger i feel at God should be only love. He created Jorai. we may not have gotten to hold a warm child and feel her breath, hear her laugh. we may not have been able to see her grow or read her to sleep. we may never see her graduate or get married or live, but we did have her in our lives for a brief moment. for 7 months, she was our daughter. she was here. with us. in me. without God, we could have never known her. i could have never felt her within me. we could have never held her. without God, she would have never taught us about love and faith. she would have never taught me about, me.
i do love God with all of my heart. all of my mind. and all of my soul. but i have to admit, that there are times, that i am truly angry with Him. and my heart goes out to all those who have suffered a loss and to all those who will someday hear the devastating news.
most days i've accepted our fate. the fate of loss. a loss that will always be there in the questions people ask. do you have children? how many children do you have? it will be there in my husbands face. some nights as i watch him sleep, i see Jorai in his facial outline. i see it in his avoidance of the nursery. i see it in my mothers tears and my mother in-laws tears. our loss surrounds us. our hopes have dwindled. new hopes have risen, yet our old hopes still lie there in the dark, collecting dust. most days i've accepted this.
but some days i can't. i know there are mothers and fathers this very day, this very second, who have just gotten the gut wrenching news. they too have joined the fate of those who have lost. they will have to grieve and try their hardest to drag themselves out of the pit. the pit that just keeps on crashing in. i know their pain. it's just been a mere 6 months since steve and i were thrown in. into the pit. dark, cold. i hate knowing that others have to go through what steve and i went through. it pisses me off. it makes me want to scream at God with all my might. WHY?
but then i feel guilt. i feel guilt because the anger i feel at God should be only love. He created Jorai. we may not have gotten to hold a warm child and feel her breath, hear her laugh. we may not have been able to see her grow or read her to sleep. we may never see her graduate or get married or live, but we did have her in our lives for a brief moment. for 7 months, she was our daughter. she was here. with us. in me. without God, we could have never known her. i could have never felt her within me. we could have never held her. without God, she would have never taught us about love and faith. she would have never taught me about, me.
i do love God with all of my heart. all of my mind. and all of my soul. but i have to admit, that there are times, that i am truly angry with Him. and my heart goes out to all those who have suffered a loss and to all those who will someday hear the devastating news.
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