sweet baby punkin' buns
OK, so I don't have a nickname for this little guy growing within me...if I'm being completely honest, I haven't even started his pregnancy book, which I've had for all 21 weeks of pregnancy. But I need to do both.
I'm thinking stink for a nickname, but I want to wait for a little longer. Why stink? Because he's a stinker. He likes to lay low, all stealth like, freaking me out the entire time...but the minute I pull out the doppler and place it against my skin, he kicks or punches or headbutts it off. I barely even press down and he goes crazy. Little stink. He'll also go crazy if Asher sits on my lap. But most days, all day, I barely feel him. Which I know is normal. I'm only 21 weeks...but it still freaks me out like nothing else. Which is why it's such a lovely thing that I purchased that stinkin' doppler. I love that thing! I know it may make some a bit more anxious, but for me, it was worth every penny spent.
I keep getting asked how I am. I never know how to answer. I mean I'm OK, as far as I can be, seeing I've lost 2 of my 3 birthed babies. I'm OK physically. I'm starting to feel tightness in my right hip and some lower back pain...my digestion has slowed way down and so I seem to feel bloated most the day. I'm happy. I have a seemingly healthy babe growing within me. I keep thinking positively and dreaming about Asher having a living sibling. Asher keeps tickling and kissing my belly and he thinks he has a baby in his belly too. He wraps his arms around his belly to 'hug' his baby brother all the time. But I'm freaked out too. In 3 weeks I'll be 24 weeks, the point I lost Selah...I'm in the stillborn phase of pregnancy. Losing this child would be horrible. But the thought of miscarrying seemed so much 'easier'. The miscarriage phase has ended. The thought of that cold hospital room with all the silence, haunts me. Nearly every day, every night, it's there. The memories, the smells, the emotions, the emptiness.
So how do I answer that question? I am OK. But I'm petrified too. I don't want to travel any where for fear that I'll lose this child and have to travel home knowing my child has passed within me. Which I know sounds silly, but I lost Selah in Big Rapids. I found out we lost her in a hospital I used to have such happy memories of. I lost her in my parents house. A house that always brought me love and comfort. Now there's loss there too. I lost her during Christmas celebrations...I don't even want to go there...I just don't want it to happen again. I'm scared. But happy and trying to live in the moment and not what could possibly happen.
So, here's to the next phase in this pregnancy. The scary phase. The stillborn phase. The multiple ultrasounds and possible drugs and c-sections...and hopefully the birthing of a healthy, live baby boy!
I'm thinking stink for a nickname, but I want to wait for a little longer. Why stink? Because he's a stinker. He likes to lay low, all stealth like, freaking me out the entire time...but the minute I pull out the doppler and place it against my skin, he kicks or punches or headbutts it off. I barely even press down and he goes crazy. Little stink. He'll also go crazy if Asher sits on my lap. But most days, all day, I barely feel him. Which I know is normal. I'm only 21 weeks...but it still freaks me out like nothing else. Which is why it's such a lovely thing that I purchased that stinkin' doppler. I love that thing! I know it may make some a bit more anxious, but for me, it was worth every penny spent.
I keep getting asked how I am. I never know how to answer. I mean I'm OK, as far as I can be, seeing I've lost 2 of my 3 birthed babies. I'm OK physically. I'm starting to feel tightness in my right hip and some lower back pain...my digestion has slowed way down and so I seem to feel bloated most the day. I'm happy. I have a seemingly healthy babe growing within me. I keep thinking positively and dreaming about Asher having a living sibling. Asher keeps tickling and kissing my belly and he thinks he has a baby in his belly too. He wraps his arms around his belly to 'hug' his baby brother all the time. But I'm freaked out too. In 3 weeks I'll be 24 weeks, the point I lost Selah...I'm in the stillborn phase of pregnancy. Losing this child would be horrible. But the thought of miscarrying seemed so much 'easier'. The miscarriage phase has ended. The thought of that cold hospital room with all the silence, haunts me. Nearly every day, every night, it's there. The memories, the smells, the emotions, the emptiness.
So how do I answer that question? I am OK. But I'm petrified too. I don't want to travel any where for fear that I'll lose this child and have to travel home knowing my child has passed within me. Which I know sounds silly, but I lost Selah in Big Rapids. I found out we lost her in a hospital I used to have such happy memories of. I lost her in my parents house. A house that always brought me love and comfort. Now there's loss there too. I lost her during Christmas celebrations...I don't even want to go there...I just don't want it to happen again. I'm scared. But happy and trying to live in the moment and not what could possibly happen.
So, here's to the next phase in this pregnancy. The scary phase. The stillborn phase. The multiple ultrasounds and possible drugs and c-sections...and hopefully the birthing of a healthy, live baby boy!
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