ugh

i was just going through work emails when i came across one from steve on may 29. just 4 days before we lost Jorai. it talked about calling the pediatrics office to make an appointment and talking to the doctor about circumcision...we weren't sure if we were going to do it.

man. another reminder of what we've lost hit me out of the blue. it's like a dagger to the heart. i feel deflated. i want to feel filled with joy because of our new child growing within me, but at times, i have to admit, i'm just waiting to lose her too. i know that's wrong of me, but i can't seem to help it. i've had pains in my belly today. they are probably nothing. but my first thought is of miscarriage.

i know God gave me this journey because He knew i could walk it. but there are times i don't want to walk anymore. there are times i feel as if i'm kneeling in the dirt, frozen to the ground and unable to move. there are times i want to give up. there are times where i don't want to care anymore and just want to go running and screaming out the door. there are times that i'd give my life to see my daughter for one brief moment. and the instant i think that, i feel guilt, because if i'm gone, so will the baby growing in my belly.

i need to ask for prayers and grace and patience for these next (hopefully) 8 months. i have a feeling that i'll continue to be an emotional basket case. and please, pray for the health and strength of our new child growing within me.

i felt ok this morning, but right now, i feel so weak.