are you hiding?

i have a family member that hides from her emotions. she puts up this front of happiness that's so fake, it's nauseating. she plays as if all is fine and dandy, that she's happy and content while i know, inside she's screaming. no matter what i say, she stays hidden. i can't figure it out. it gets worse and worse each year. i can see her deteriorating and screaming louder and louder within herself, yet she never lets herself feel. she judges everyone, discriminates, puts people on guilt trips, and pulls away for no reason. she'll tell you everything you're doing wrong with your life and how to raise your children. she'll guilt you for not coming to visit yet won't visit herself. and then if she does, nothing makes her happy. nothing is good enough. it's exhausting.

i can't understand why this happens. how the people close to her don't talk to her about it. she's ruining her relationships. and i just can't figure out why. if you email her, whether its a quick hello or a note telling you that your husband has to go through surgery, she won't respond. but then she'll call you in a week and say that she hasn't heard from you in ages. it's non-stop. everything is your fault. as if your breathing wrong.

she used to be this super loving person, and now, i feel as if she's just an empty shell. a shell that portrays happiness while there's only an angry woman inside. it's to the point where if she wasn't a family member, i'd stop talking to her. and i hate that. i hate feeling like that. it makes me sad that she's so sad or depressed or whatever that she can treat people the way she does. she has had nothing but good happen to her in her lifetime so i just don't understand where this negativity comes from. i just don't know what to do. other family members are continually hurt by and frustrated with her. does she not see how she affects those around her? i'm afraid of the coming months...i'm afraid that if we spend more time together i may lash back. i know i have a problem with that. i try and i'm getting pretty good at keeping my calm, but i can only take so much too...and if i do confront her, i hope i can keep my calm and not go ballistic. because if i'm being honest, i feel like going ballistic on her a lot.

i just hate this. hate this situation. i know that you have the family you have for a reason, but sometimes it's just so hard. i do hate the way she treats us, but mostly, i hate the way she's hurting herself. if you spend all your energy judging someone, when you could just be loving them, all you really miss out on is love and laughter.

i need to pray harder for her eyes to be opened. i'd hate for her to finally open her eyes and realize that many of her friends and family members have left. that's what happened to my grandma. she treated those around her so badly that pretty soon there was no one around her anymore. so she turned to martinis. it's so sad to see people travel down paths like those. they're so destructive. and for what?

what good becomes of judging and hate and bickering and well, you name it? if we spent half as much time loving people for who they are, we sure would live in a different world. that's my new challenge to myself. try to push out all the judgements, all the crap that fills my head, and try my hardest to just love people. i'll have a few challenges, but i'm going to try. i'm going to try to just love every one. the more time i spend being pissed off, the less time i have to laugh. and i always want my joy and laughter to be sincere and true. i never want to become a shell of the person i once was. i want to be filled. i want to love. i want to laugh. and i want to show people grace even though, i might not be shown much, i still want to show others love and laughter and grace. please pray that my mind is continually focused on that. i'll need all the prayers i can get.