memorials
gutted. i've been gutted all day. i've always said that when i die, i want a party. a good party. with music and dancing and great food. chocolate fountains and italian deserts, expensive wine and imported cheese. i want people to eat and dance and laugh. i want a party. i told steve about my plan and he was concerned that people would think he didn't care i was gone...like he was so happy i was gone that he just had to throw a party! so you've all heard it from me...the party was my idea!
after today i wonder if my plan will work. would people really come and laugh and sing and eat and dance? or would they hug and cry and be sad? maybe they would do both. i've always hated saying goodbye. goodbye to me doesn't make sense. not to someone you love or respect. i can't say that i get mad at God for taking our loved ones away, it just doesn't make sense to me. i know they're in a better place. i know it's where i would want to be. in perfect health and with our perfect Father with all of our loved ones who left before us. truly what could be better. it's us, or maybe just me, that has to stay back without my loved one wondering why they had to leave. wondering what good can come of their passing. wondering why i have been left to walk this path.
today, i saw all of these amazing people who were touched by Susan in her brief 30 years on this earth. the church was packed. i witnessed 2 good friends beautifully singing for her, which totally amazes me. i couldn't get through even a half of a song without crying...how they sang is beyond me. it was beautiful. i heard the cracked voice of a pastor deliver an amazing message and a brave thank you from a grieving husband. i saw people weeping and you could tell they're trying to make sense of the loss. such a loss. how do you start to make sense of it?
my tears were for Susan and the enormity of her loss...but i also think they were for my daughter. we didn't have a memorial for Jorai, because truthfully, we didn't even think about it. it wouldn't have been us to do one anyway and honestly, there's no way i could have been apart of it. i would have been a crumpled mess in the corner. i've never been good at saying goodbye.
i've been to too many young peoples funerals. i went to a classmates funeral when i was in 9th grade. i went to my friends after he decided to take his life at 18. we went to a friends husbands funeral just a few years ago. he was in his 30's. we lost our own daughter...and now Susan. after losing Jorai, i believe that funerals will have a completely different meaning to me. i think in some way, she will always be at the funeral with us. i think i'll be mourning the loss of the person who was taken but also i will once again mourn my daughters loss. i know those emotions of losing her are always right below the surface just waiting to come up.
i also think that knowing what people are going through raises old emotions to the surface. i know the walk they are starting on. and it saddens me. i want to take it from them. but i know i can't. i want to lift up my friends and deliver them from the pain, but only Christ can do that.
as Christians we know that we should praise God for taking our loved ones. we should celebrate because they are home and happy and are in the splendor of the King. but it's so much easier to say and want to do, than to actually do. because for us, there will always be this hole that only one person can fit into. it's all just so hard.
grief is such an interesting emotion. it feels good to cry one minutes and better to laugh the next. but you never know what feeling to feel until you feel it. laughing could make you cry and crying could make you laugh. sometimes there's this pressure that seems to be all consuming around you and other times all you notice is the light. and with a flip of a switch everything can change up again. it's a hard road to walk. up one minute, down the next. being side swiped by any little thing could smack you back down on the cement in an instant. today, i feel as if i was side swiped.
it's been almost a year since we lost Jorai. 3 days from when we lost her, 5 from the day we held her. Susan's passing has opened up old wounds. old pain. old emotions. that have been here all along, just under the surface, but i feel them bubbling up. i miss Jorai. i wish she was here with us. but the emotions i'm feeling right now, aren't about my loss, but about the pain i know so many of my friends are feeling. i just wish i could protect them from the pain. it's such a strange emotion. wanting to protect my friends but knowing i can't.
but that's where i am. i'm at a loss because of a loss. wanting to do something i have no control over. so to all my friends, i love you. i'm here if you want to cry. i'm hear if you want to laugh. just know, that i'm here.
after today i wonder if my plan will work. would people really come and laugh and sing and eat and dance? or would they hug and cry and be sad? maybe they would do both. i've always hated saying goodbye. goodbye to me doesn't make sense. not to someone you love or respect. i can't say that i get mad at God for taking our loved ones away, it just doesn't make sense to me. i know they're in a better place. i know it's where i would want to be. in perfect health and with our perfect Father with all of our loved ones who left before us. truly what could be better. it's us, or maybe just me, that has to stay back without my loved one wondering why they had to leave. wondering what good can come of their passing. wondering why i have been left to walk this path.
today, i saw all of these amazing people who were touched by Susan in her brief 30 years on this earth. the church was packed. i witnessed 2 good friends beautifully singing for her, which totally amazes me. i couldn't get through even a half of a song without crying...how they sang is beyond me. it was beautiful. i heard the cracked voice of a pastor deliver an amazing message and a brave thank you from a grieving husband. i saw people weeping and you could tell they're trying to make sense of the loss. such a loss. how do you start to make sense of it?
my tears were for Susan and the enormity of her loss...but i also think they were for my daughter. we didn't have a memorial for Jorai, because truthfully, we didn't even think about it. it wouldn't have been us to do one anyway and honestly, there's no way i could have been apart of it. i would have been a crumpled mess in the corner. i've never been good at saying goodbye.
i've been to too many young peoples funerals. i went to a classmates funeral when i was in 9th grade. i went to my friends after he decided to take his life at 18. we went to a friends husbands funeral just a few years ago. he was in his 30's. we lost our own daughter...and now Susan. after losing Jorai, i believe that funerals will have a completely different meaning to me. i think in some way, she will always be at the funeral with us. i think i'll be mourning the loss of the person who was taken but also i will once again mourn my daughters loss. i know those emotions of losing her are always right below the surface just waiting to come up.
i also think that knowing what people are going through raises old emotions to the surface. i know the walk they are starting on. and it saddens me. i want to take it from them. but i know i can't. i want to lift up my friends and deliver them from the pain, but only Christ can do that.
as Christians we know that we should praise God for taking our loved ones. we should celebrate because they are home and happy and are in the splendor of the King. but it's so much easier to say and want to do, than to actually do. because for us, there will always be this hole that only one person can fit into. it's all just so hard.
grief is such an interesting emotion. it feels good to cry one minutes and better to laugh the next. but you never know what feeling to feel until you feel it. laughing could make you cry and crying could make you laugh. sometimes there's this pressure that seems to be all consuming around you and other times all you notice is the light. and with a flip of a switch everything can change up again. it's a hard road to walk. up one minute, down the next. being side swiped by any little thing could smack you back down on the cement in an instant. today, i feel as if i was side swiped.
it's been almost a year since we lost Jorai. 3 days from when we lost her, 5 from the day we held her. Susan's passing has opened up old wounds. old pain. old emotions. that have been here all along, just under the surface, but i feel them bubbling up. i miss Jorai. i wish she was here with us. but the emotions i'm feeling right now, aren't about my loss, but about the pain i know so many of my friends are feeling. i just wish i could protect them from the pain. it's such a strange emotion. wanting to protect my friends but knowing i can't.
but that's where i am. i'm at a loss because of a loss. wanting to do something i have no control over. so to all my friends, i love you. i'm here if you want to cry. i'm hear if you want to laugh. just know, that i'm here.
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- Jen