disappointment

we toured labor and delivery last night.  it didn't go as expected for me.  i was under the impression that you delivered and then stayed in the same room...that is not the case.  so instead of going to the mother/baby part, we went to the same place we delivered Jorai.  i don't know why i didn't think of that before...it was haunting.  we walked right past the door we delivered her in and my heart sank.  that was the only room we saw her and held her and touched her.  it was hard not to run off down the hall and get away from it.  it was also hard not to open the door and sit in the corner and cry for her. it was just hard.

the tour actually started off with getting introduced to our tour lady.  she was probably in her 70's and she was very hospital...very unnatural and very annoying for me...which could have been my hormones pumping or all the thoughts of Jorai, but either way, i wanted to walk away.  the first place we went was triage.  this was the place we had to see Jorai's heart on the monitor, still.  no movement on the screen.  we walked right past the room we were in and i saw us in there.  me on the bed, steve on the chair, in shock.  it was horrible.  i saw me on the phone with my parents, crying and in shock...and here i had to remember that this is a new baby and we're preparing for this new experience...but it was hard. 

then we went in the birthing room.  as soon as i walked in i wished there was an alternative.  everything was cold and sterile.  i instantly saw the stirrups and all the contraptions...i had this vision of the mother/baby rooms which are homier and a little less sterile...i was wrong.  and of course the tour lady was talking about getting an epidural and the few of us that asked about baths and walking she was instantly negative, saying that we think we want to deal with the pain now, but we won't later.  the typical hospital person who can't think of any other way to birth than to be drugged to the tilt and lying flat on your back as they tell you when to push since you can't feel jack. 

then we got to see the c-section area...i know it's part of the tour, but that sucked...

then off to the nursery and mother/baby.  the tour lady suggested if our child was crying that we should give them to the nursery so we could sleep and to stay at the hospital for as long as we could...i know these were only her suggestions, but it made me feel yucky.  here i am, been waiting to hold my baby in my arms for 16 months now, and you're telling me i should hand my child off to a nurse that will put them in a plastic box and let them scream until i want to pick them back up again?  ugh.  it just made me sick. when one woman asked if she could wear her own clothes in the room, the nurse said 'why would you want to?' ummm...i don't know, to be more comfortable. oh, then she said that the baby will be taken to get their first bath and that 'we could watch if we want'...excuse me?  i will be washing my child thank you.  the whole thing made me a bit negative.

i don't know, it just sucked.  i had my vision of where i was going to birth and stay and the reality wasn't what i envisioned.  and i know i need to get over it.  i can make my birthing room into something better.  i can make it less cold.  but i guess i was just disappointed...and it brought up so many memories from last june that it was hard on me.  

then i fell asleep and had horrible dreams all night.  i dreamt that i gave birth and i remember seeing my mom hold the baby, which is funny since she won't be in the room, then the baby was gone.  i never delivered my placenta.  i just got up and went to a baby shower.  which steve left to go party with friends.  i finally realized that i didn't have my child nor did i ever contact my doula for her to be there at my child's birth and i instantly thought 'if she was here, none of this would be happening!'  i tried to call the nursery but i couldn't get through.  i couldn't get my baby out of the cold nurses hands.  it was horrible.

then i went home to find steve drunk, which i've never seen before, and totally not caring about the fact that i just birthed his child.  so i kicked the side mirror off his car and threw it at him.  then i woke up.  such a joyful dream.  these dreams are so ridiculous too.  especially the parts with steve being a jerk.  he would never act like that.  it's crazy that my mind goes there while sleeping.  

i think it was just a stressful night.  and touring labor/delivering last night, really made me passionate about the idea of having a birth center attached to the hospital.  there are tons of women like me out there that won't feel 100% comfortable birthing at home or at a free standing center 15-20 minutes away from a hospital.  but who also hate the idea of birthing in a hospital setting.  i know grand rapids has one and ingham is close...at least they have midwives at the hospital...but it would be absolutely lovely for those of us who want a natural birth in a hospital to have that option.  

but for now, i need to make peace with this hospital, let go of my disappointment and fears from last june and settle in with the fact that the one thing that matters, is that we bring home our healthy, bouncing babe.  that's all that truly matters right now.  that needs to be my mantra. i can't let all this bother me.