life in the balance
last year we lost our daughter Jorai. in fact it will be a year next sunday. a year. it's hard to describe what this year has been like other than to say it's like the proverbial roller-coater. and as i type this i'm waiting for our second child to be born. should be this week or next. one life lost and another about to come into the world.
this afternoon i was gutted with the news of an acquaintance's passing. she was only 30 years old. gone. a husband and child left here without her. we weren't close. but she was the person where you always thought 'man, i want to get to know her better, she seems amazing.' but it never happens and then it's too late.
when i heard of her passing i was numb. simply numb. i couldn't believe it. it didn't make sense. i guess, news like that never makes sense. but it was hard. i keep thinking about her husband. how horrible it would be to lose your best friend. i can't stop thinking about steve and how i'd feel if i ever lost him. it rips at my heart. there were no tears that came. there was just a void. this utter black void. my emotions took me back to the void i was in a year ago. the black, numb, silent void of grief.
Susan was one of those super generous, amazingly strong and caring women that you want to emulate. She was a women i wish i would have taken the time to get to know better and it really pisses me off that she was taken from us. from her family. from her friends. death like this makes no sense to me. i know God has His plan. i know His plan is good. but it just doesn't make sense to me.
life comes. and life goes. i know this all too well. i've endured the death of grandparents and family friends, but it's the senseless loss of the young and amazing, that stings all the more deep. i lost a dear friend of mine when i was 19. i lost my child when i was 31 years old. and now i lost my chance to truly get to know an amazing woman. but what stings all the more, is knowing the darkness and quietness and stillness that her husband, friends and family are going to be enduring in the coming months. that kills me.
i wish i could take that pain away from people. i've been there. it's cold. it's all consuming at times. there's a silence that's deafening. i wish i could wrap the grieving in my arms and protect them from the pain. but i know i can't. and i know that only our Father can truly take away the pain. i also know it's a pain that He wants us to go through for some reason. but it sucks and at times, i hate His plan.
death is all around us, as is life. and though death should be celebrated the same as life, because we're selfish beings, most of us can't celebrate it. we want those we've lost with us. laughing and living. what's hard for us to believe is that they're in a better place. they're living it up with Jesus. what else could be better? what's hard for me to believe at times is that God's plan is better.
for me...although i know Jorai is in a better place, i'd rather her here with me and her father. but then i think, if she was here, this new child wouldn't be.
i know Susan touched so many peoples lives. i know her life and passing both had meaning. though it doesn't make sense to me and i hate it and it sucks and i'm gutted, i have to hold on to the knowledge that she's up with Jesus and that she was taken for a reason.
the problem with grief is that your mind, heart and emotions are all on separate playing fields when dealing with the loss of a loved one. though your head believes one thing, your heart is aching and your emotions are reeling. again, i wish i could spare people from their grief. i wish people didn't have to walk through that fire. but i can't take away people's pain. i can't make this better.
my heart aches for her family and friends. my heart aches for their loss. i'm gutted by the enormity of it.
this afternoon i was gutted with the news of an acquaintance's passing. she was only 30 years old. gone. a husband and child left here without her. we weren't close. but she was the person where you always thought 'man, i want to get to know her better, she seems amazing.' but it never happens and then it's too late.
when i heard of her passing i was numb. simply numb. i couldn't believe it. it didn't make sense. i guess, news like that never makes sense. but it was hard. i keep thinking about her husband. how horrible it would be to lose your best friend. i can't stop thinking about steve and how i'd feel if i ever lost him. it rips at my heart. there were no tears that came. there was just a void. this utter black void. my emotions took me back to the void i was in a year ago. the black, numb, silent void of grief.
Susan was one of those super generous, amazingly strong and caring women that you want to emulate. She was a women i wish i would have taken the time to get to know better and it really pisses me off that she was taken from us. from her family. from her friends. death like this makes no sense to me. i know God has His plan. i know His plan is good. but it just doesn't make sense to me.
life comes. and life goes. i know this all too well. i've endured the death of grandparents and family friends, but it's the senseless loss of the young and amazing, that stings all the more deep. i lost a dear friend of mine when i was 19. i lost my child when i was 31 years old. and now i lost my chance to truly get to know an amazing woman. but what stings all the more, is knowing the darkness and quietness and stillness that her husband, friends and family are going to be enduring in the coming months. that kills me.
i wish i could take that pain away from people. i've been there. it's cold. it's all consuming at times. there's a silence that's deafening. i wish i could wrap the grieving in my arms and protect them from the pain. but i know i can't. and i know that only our Father can truly take away the pain. i also know it's a pain that He wants us to go through for some reason. but it sucks and at times, i hate His plan.
death is all around us, as is life. and though death should be celebrated the same as life, because we're selfish beings, most of us can't celebrate it. we want those we've lost with us. laughing and living. what's hard for us to believe is that they're in a better place. they're living it up with Jesus. what else could be better? what's hard for me to believe at times is that God's plan is better.
for me...although i know Jorai is in a better place, i'd rather her here with me and her father. but then i think, if she was here, this new child wouldn't be.
i know Susan touched so many peoples lives. i know her life and passing both had meaning. though it doesn't make sense to me and i hate it and it sucks and i'm gutted, i have to hold on to the knowledge that she's up with Jesus and that she was taken for a reason.
the problem with grief is that your mind, heart and emotions are all on separate playing fields when dealing with the loss of a loved one. though your head believes one thing, your heart is aching and your emotions are reeling. again, i wish i could spare people from their grief. i wish people didn't have to walk through that fire. but i can't take away people's pain. i can't make this better.
my heart aches for her family and friends. my heart aches for their loss. i'm gutted by the enormity of it.
Comments
I remember getting up in the wee hours of the night and reading your posts about losing Jorai, and just weeping and wanting to hold you in my arms. And, now, I want to hold Dan and Suzanne, Tricia, Melissa, Joel and little Noah.
When I lost my husband, a dear friend of ours told me she believes that God is grieving along with us whenever He sees us suffering from the effects of the Fall. Holding onto that thought helped me make it through. But loss is a wound that never completely closes or heals. It causes us to weep with those who weep in a way that we wouldn't have before.
God be with you, and may He comfort all those who are suffering the loss of Susan.
Dan Price's mom, Linda.
i like what you say 'It causes us to weep with those who weep in a way that we wouldn't have before.' that makes sense to me.
thank you.