Am I really content?

Today I felt...I feel, contentment. I can't place it, but I feel it. It came out of no-where and hit me like a mac truck. But it's here. I'm not sure for how long...but it's a welcomed feeling.

Jorai...I miss you so. You are my sweet first born. You were our first flutter of life and I miss you each and every day. You have left an imprint on my heart that will forever be felt. You are my sweet, sweet daughter and I love you.

Asher...you make me smile so hard each day that my cheeks hurt...you also make me want to pull my hair out! You are my saving grace. You are my sweet punkin' pie. You are my son. You are so much. You fill me with joy and I love you more than words can express. You are amazing.

Selah...I've never felt heartbreak as I did when I lost you. You are missed every second of the day. You are my little flower and I know that you're blooming into beautiful colors and song up in heaven, but I miss you and ache for you to be here with me, now and always. My arms ache to hold you my sweet.I had a positive OPK today. Is this why I'm positive. The seeds were planted...now it's just waiting to see if anything germinates. Could something really happen? Could it last? Could we ever really have another living child?

The thought of becoming pregnant comes with mixed feelings. Feelings of excitement and butterflies surround me...but so does darkness. Pregnancy is easy for us....it's the keeping the wee babes alive, that's hard. I'm not hopeful. I want to be. But I'm not. So this contentment feels strange.

My darling girls, I love you. Never forget that. I would do anything to have you back down here with me. I miss you and long for your laughter. I long to see you running and playing with your brother. I dream of your kisses the feel of your hand within mine.

Asher, if we can't give you a living sibling, know that you are loved so much here on earth, just as you are from Heaven. You may not have your big and little sisters here for you on earth, but one day my sweet, we'll all be together. You will forever be loved my child. More than you'll ever know.Contentment...what a strange, yet welcoming feeling. Can I really be content. Can I really smile, as I did tonight, and mean it? Fully? Can I miss someone so much, that contentment can be found amid the tears?