dreams vs. reality

I was thinking about my life yesterday. I was thinking about where I've come from and where I'm going. I really got to live a charmed life as a child. My parents were steady and nurturing and loving. I knew that I could always count on them for both love and support. I had two brothers who loved me, so much. I was doted upon being the only girl and I was so much younger than my brothers, that rather than fighting with me, they protected me. Every day, I felt loved.

I always dreamed of having a family on my own someday. I would look at my family and think, 'this is exactly what I want when I grow up.'. I would dream about marriage and loving someone all my life, with a burning heart. I would picture us growing old and rocking on the front porch of a house we raised our children in. Children...

When I first met Steve I ached. Seriously. It was scary. Anytime he came to my office, I would shake. I never experienced that before. He made me so nervous that I lost all my words. But as we became friends and then talked about taking the next step, I realized that this man was going to be my husband. I knew he would be an amazing husband and I knew he would be an amazing father.

I remember the day after we got engaged, as we were walking down a beach in Florida, I told him that we should start talking about birth control, because I knew I needed to probably get on something before we got married. I knew Steve wanted children in the future, but I never expected his words to be, 'we don't need birth control, I'm ready to start trying as soon as we get married.'. I was stunned. Excited. Not only did I get engaged the night prior...but I then realized that in 6 months, I could be carrying our first child.
That moment was just over four years ago. I never knew the ultimate joy we would be able to bask in and the all consuming sorrow we would have to endure in the coming months and years. It was only 14 months after becoming engaged, that we lost our first child. In four years we got engaged, married, pregnant with our first child, lost our first child, pregnant with our second who we got to love and raise, and then pregnant with our third child who we lost as well. In four years I've been pregnant 3 times, given birth 3 times and yet only brought 1 child home who was breathing.

What prepares you for loss? Can you be prepared? How do you come back from multiple losses? Or maybe the better question, can you fully come back from multiple losses? I'm back. I smile and enjoy life. I feel blessed to have Asher. But my hope is gone. It's obliterated. My faith that good things will happen to me is gone. Good things may fall upon me here and there, but my every day thinking, is quite honestly...'when's the shit gonna come next?'. And I hate that feeling. But where do you go? How do you reclaim a positive outlook, when the future looks so bleak...when your hope has been crushed time after time again.

And please, don't go all Christian on me. I'm trying here. Really, truly trying to get back there. But until you've been here...lost and crushed and given no answers, a bible verse is the last thing you want to hear...and quite honestly, it all sounds like the teacher in Charlie Brown right now...well, at least that's how I feel. I crave to get a relationship back with Christ...but how do you get there when all hope is gone? I know He's waiting there with open arms, wanting me to reach to him...I just can't right now. I will. I'm trying. I just need space.

In approximately nine days, we'll be trying to conceive another child. In a way, I feel crazy. I want hope to come down and slap me in the face. I have none. I wish I was ignorant. But I'm not. Two of my three babies were ripped from my womb, lifeless. The odds are not stacked in my favor. We'll be trying to conceive a boy. Though even the doctors say that the child's sex isn't a factor. I want to be hopeful. But I'm not. I'm just not. I want to be able to enjoy my pregnancy. But I honestly think that if I get pregnant, it will be hell on earth for as long as I carry the child.

I know this all sounds horrible...but it's how I feel. I want so much to give Asher a sibling. I want to feel a child growing within me again. I want to nurse a infant and watch Asher be a big brother. But I'm truly scared and I wonder if we're making the right decision. Deep down, I know we are...but there's always that dark cloud following over me, reminding me of our pain and what our pain could be like if we lose another child.

My dreams of a marriage and family always revolved around laughter and fond memories. It's so hard to have such bittersweet memories in my life. I keep thinking of Asher and hoping that he loves his sisters from beyond the grave...and truthfully...though I hope with all my heart that he'll be able to hug and pinch and kiss and hit and yell at and listen to and be there for his little bother or sister...all I can think about is how I can keep not two...but possibly three memories alive for him.

I know I'm suppose to wear my life like a badge of honor. But sometimes the badge is too damn heavy for me. Sometimes, I wish I could raise my little white flag of surrender and be granted a few months or years of clemency. Does anyone out there have the power for that? I could use a little break over here.