confession of a paranoid mother.

I still check on Asher all the time to make sure he's O.K.. He's nearly two...and I still worry that I'll find him cold and still in his crib.

Every night before I go to bed, I check on his at least once. I check the temperature of his face and then I touch him until he responds. I rub his forehead and then his back and I tickle his hands...I do anything to get him to respond. Some nights he's sleeping so deeply that it takes awhile for him to move and my immediate response is fear. Last night I stood over him tickling his tiny hand for awhile before it flinched. My heart leapt into my throat.

It's 9am and Asher is still sleeping. He normally wakes up between 7:30 and 8am. Though I should know that he's fine and just needs more sleep, my heart is worried. I shouldn't go in and check on him, but I did. I had to.

I know as a mom, I will always worry about the health and well-being of my child, but I wish I wasn't so worried about him while he sleeps. I wish I was still ignorant to death. I wish I wasn't crippled with fear at times. I wish I could sleep in on the very rare mornings, that he does. I wish I could fall asleep knowing that my child is safe and breathing and fine in his bed, without checking on him.

I wonder if that day will ever come.

Comments

:) I do the same. Corey always yells at me because just as we're getting ready to go to bed, I go check and sometimes wake her up in the process. When she sleeps too late in the morning I always check too.. and most of the time it wakes her up..
We will always be paranoid mothers.. :)
Susan said…
My mom has told me she did this too.

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