Why, why, why?

23 November 2010


I really, truly try my hardest not to get pissed off at God, but it's just so damn hard sometimes. I need someone to blame. I need someone to scream at and hit and be mad at. And I don't know who else to take this up with. I know He gives and I know He takes away and we're suppose to be OK with that, but some times I'm not. Whatever that makes me, I'm OK with...because I don't think being OK with babies dying is OK. The whole process of it. The baby's death, the family's anguish, the fear, the darkness and guilt that comes next...I just don't get it.

My friend found out
today that her baby had passed. She was in her second trimester, not that is really matters. Not an early loss...not a late loss...but a loss. A devastating loss. After a previous loss.

My heart aches for her and this journey that she's about to embark on. Walking through the darkness, trying to find the light and yet even when you find it, you push it away because it pisses you off so much. An ache that's indescribable. An emptiness that feels as if you've literally been eviscerated. A hunger for warmth and love and joy that seems so far from your reach that life can at times feel pointless.

And I ache. I ache because as she was finding out this horrible news, I was having a brilliant morning with my son. The first in a few days that had zero yelling or tantrums...only joy and laughter. And then as I thought that I hadn't felt the baby move in a while, I went upstairs to listen to my baby's heart. A sound that she would have killed for, I'm sure. A sound that I heard as she only heard the dreaded words...'this is the heart, and I'm sorry but it's not beating'. My day was wonderful. Filled with joy and laughter and love. Her's was a nightmare.

I remember when we came home from the hospital after losing Jorai, how surreal life felt. How nothing felt right. It all felt so damn fake and I couldn't figure out how people could be functioning as my life stood still. Nothing mattered. I felt nothing. I was numb and gutted and lifeless. Yet all those around me were happy and living and moving on.

Now, another friend has to feel this pain. And it kills me. I now know why people who have lost loved ones to cancer and other diseases, fight so hard for legislation and research so that they can find cures. I wish I could do something. I wish there was a way to monitor babies and stop neonatal death. It's so devastating. And it just doesn't need to happen. It pisses me off.

I think one of the hardest things actually happens months-years down the road, when people start to think you should be over your child's death...I mean you never really got to be with them...you never really got to know them or spend time with them...They just don't understand that a child is a child and it doesn't matter when you lose them. They were your child and now they're gone and it sucks. I wish people would understand that. I wish every one would remember our babies as we do...though I understand it's hard and I'm understanding because of that...but in my perfect little world, I wish everyone would remember the child that once was.

I don't know. I'm hurt and gutted for my friend. This is my fear. This is why I run up to check for a heartbeat every day...multiple times a day. The fear that it will happen again. It happens. Every day. To people we know. People we don't. It happens.

I am so sorry my dear friend. I love you and I'm praying for you and thinking of you and I just want you to know that I'm here. I know your pain. I know your fear. I know your emptiness. I know the cold, dark place your in. And I'm sorry you're there. I wish I could pull you out and give you back your joy. I wish. I'm sorry. I'm here.

'Final' resting place

22 November 2010


I've always hated those words. Final? Really? I don't know...and I've always hated urn's. The ones a normal person can afford look like tombs and the kid ones are usually boxes with angels or fairies or butterflies or worse, teddy bears on them. I just don't get it. The cool ones, ones that are art, fused or blown glass, artfully carved boxes...they all run upwards of $1000 +. All for about 2 tablespoons of ash.

There's a part of me that aches to have something nice. I mean, it's for my daughters. What does money matter? But then I think $1000? For that? Really? My child just died and your going to make that much money for that? It urks me.

A few months after Jorai passed, I found a proper container for her ashes. I actually found it at a normal store and I believe it's just a little decorative storage box. But it's pretty and red and shiny and it fits in with it's surroundings. It doesn't have huge arrows pointing to it saying 'look over here...at me...yup...here are the ashes!!'.' It's pretty and I love it, yet it's understated.

For the past year...nearly...I've been trying to find something for Selah and I just can't find it. And now, I want both of their containers to go together a bit. I want them to sit together and compliment one another. But I've been at a loss. I can't find anything.

But then all of a sudden last week, I thought, Jorai's container is big enough for both...what if I open her's up, and place her sister in with her so they can be together? I talked to Steve about it and he liked the idea, but I"m still not sure.

For all my baby-loss mama friends out there, what do you think? There's a part of me that wants 2 individual containers, one for each of my girls. I want the world to know I have 2 daughters, I want them both on my piano, separate. I want to honor them both in their own space. But I also think it would be cool for them to be together. They're sisters and what better place for them to be than to be together. Forever.

In the end, I also want to be cremated, after the doc's use up my body as best they can, and then I want my ashes to be placed in a casket with Jorai and Selah and Steve...and any other family member that passes. I want us to be together, as one.

And really, I guess it doesn't matter as I believe this flesh is just a shell and we'll be together in Heaven...but still. For now, how do you, if your child(ren) have been cremated what do you do? Do you think it's wrong to open up Jorai's 'resting place' and place her sister inside?

This really shouldn't be such a difficult decision, but for some reason it is. It's probably a normal reaction to the death of a child. But it's hard. And with her birthday coming up in a month, I just feel the need to place her in a proper spot, rather than have her continue to sit there in that white plastic box.


21 November 2010


When I started this blog, I had very little followers. I used it to vent and laugh and post about things I found brilliant and funny and things I believed in. As the years went on, more people found me and started following my posts. Posts about little things, funny postings and work woes, my best friend turned into love and then a wedding and a pregnancy...and then we lost Jorai and the people who followed my blog exploded. As with probably any community, the babyloss community is a huge one, but at the same time, a super small one. And in just a few weeks, people from all over the world started to follow my loss journey.

I've always felt so blessed to have so many caring people follow my ramblings. I can feel their love and laughter, pain and sorrow through their comments. I feel a real connection to people and it's a wonderful thing. I can honestly say that I have friends out there whom I've never met physically.

I'm 100% translucent in my writings, in my emotions. And it's a good thing. 99.99% of the time I am thankful for being so translucent. I want all of my family and friends to see what it's like to walk in my shoes. Feel my joy and laughter, as well as my pain and sorrow.

But the day I became a mama to a living child, something changed. I realized as much as I wanted to continue to post about Asher and our happiness and joy, there was always a hesitation. I knew that so many of my blog friends longed to have my happy ending. I knew my words at times would only bring them pain and that was hard for me. I was in a world where I wanted to shout my joy at the top of my lungs, while at the same time, keep silent so I don't cause my friends pain.

And then I decided to feed my blog into facebook and even more people have access to it. It wasn't like my blog was private. Anyone could have found me if they googled me...but now it was posted for all my 'friends' to see. So now, there are additional times where I want to bleed my emotions out there, but find myself holding back.

It OK. It's such a small fraction of the time where I feel I can't let my emotions flow, but it seems that those times are the ones where I really, need to talk. I feel like my insides are tearing apart and though I'm screaming, nothing is coming out.

I guess it's hard for people who typically write all their feelings down to keep them in. Every thing is fine. Every one is fine. I've just finally realized that relationships aren't always what you think they are. People are more selfish than I ever thought was possible and just as the all, too well known, bumper sticker says...Mean People Suck.

Some times it's really hard for a translucent person to be private. Even though I know it's best for all involved. I want to be selfish and vent. Guess it's a good thing I'm not selfish.

29 weeks

Well, we made it. 29 weeks. It's far from over and my anxiety is still high, but we made it past 3 of the 4 high stillbirth weeks. 32 is next and the 'last' scary week...and well...I actually know tons of babies who were born still at term...some even over 40 weeks. So, I know with that knowledge, that I'll be a bundle of nerves until I hear a scream and feel a warm, slimy baby placed on my chest. But there's something about making it trough the 24th week and now the 28th week that's a bit refreshing.

Yesterday Steve's Aunt gave us gifts for the new baby. They are the first we've received. I've purchased a giraffe that makes noise and I have a muslin sleeper that I purchased for Selah, but other than that, I have refused to purchase anything. There's something about receiving these gifts for the new baby that makes it all so real. I sat upstairs today playing with the crib piano and feeling the new stuffed owls and giraffe...reading the book...and it hit me, the fact that I may actually be bringing a new little one home in my arms rather than a plastic box. I may get to read to him and kiss him and smell his warm skin. I may actually get my dream. I may feel the joy again.

This realization has made me want to start preparing. I mean, I'm nearly 10 weeks from having this child, and I've done nothing to the room. It's a mess. The closet is full of Asher's old clothes, the room is stacked with boxes and junk. And today, for the first time, I want to start thinking about cleaning it out, decorating it, putting the crib together. It feels so strange to me, to even have these emotions. I've tried to hold back my feelings. I've been trying not to get attached to this baby growing within me, but I'm now thinking about new born pictures and healing baths and newborn baby necessities. It feels so strange...but it's a feeling I welcome and it makes me a bit anxious and excited.

I'm 10 weeks 3 days from my 'due' date. And the time will fly with the holidays coming up. Am I ready? All along I've thought I'd lose this child too...maybe this time I won't! Maybe we'll get our dream fulfilled. Maybe through the loss, there will be joy. Maybe. I think it's time to let in the joy. Not be afraid of it.

Come on baby boy. Keep growing strong and healthy. Keep kicking me and making my abdomen as uncomfortable as you want. Give me heartburn and back pain, rib pain and sleepless nights, and push on my hip as much as you want. Just grow and thrive and take a deep breath, because I want to hear a big bellowing scream when you enter this world.

cutest lil' monkey in the world

08 November 2010


How many kids do you have?

07 November 2010


Today as I was getting entirely too many donuts for one person and my pregger belly was hanging low, the cashier asked me how far along I was. After I told her, she asked if this was my first and I simply said 'no, it's my fourth.'. Her only comment was 'Holy crap!'. I of course chuckled and waddled away.

As I was leaving the store, I realized that she thought I had 3, nearly 4 living children residing in my house. And the mere thought of it, made me so filled with joy that I could explode. Maybe even filled with pride. I do have 4 children, though some aren't here on earth. But in her eyes, I'm the one with 4 kids...here...with me and Steve...laughing and loving and learning and wow...laughing.... I like that.

We never wanted 4 children. Our goal was to always only have 2. And hopefully we'll have that under our roof come February, be really, we truly have 4. And see, usually when I'm asked if this is my first pregnancy and I say 'no, it's my 4th.'. The next question is either 'boys or girls?' or 'what are their ages?'. And then I have to explain that we've had 2 late term losses...and then I have to see the pity look on their faces and then ... blah.

But today...today was so entirely different. In 1 person's eyes, we have 3, nearly 4, beautiful, breathing, lovely children here on earth. And that little sliver of a peek, into a world I will never know, is beautiful.

Behavioral changes

03 November 2010


What do you do when you have a child who is acting like nice kiddo one moment and as soon as a friend comes into the room, he acts like a complete neanderthal? I don't get it. I don't understand how the mere presence of one child can change the behavior of mine so drastically that we can go from a fun filled morning to a complete breakdown and have to leave the situation. What do you do if it's a good friend? What do you do if it's a good kid? How can you change the behavior of a 2 1/2 year old when he sees a different behavior being exhibited by another? And what is acceptable and what isn't?

It's so bizarre to see how his temperament and actions have changed over the course of the past month or so. Everyone see's it. It's gentler and calmer and plays nicely for the most part...so to see his behavior change from the nice boy I've molded over the past few weeks to crazy toddler boy all within 5 minutes of a friend walking in, is so discouraging.

Maybe I'm being too strict. Maybe I expect too much for my very active little boy. I don't know. How do I teach Asher that one child's behavior may be OK in their household, but in our household it isn't? Can a 2 1/2 year old even comprehend that? I never realized how difficult being a parent really is. It's one thing to feed and clothe and love a child, but to teach him right from wrong and self-control and what is acceptable and non-acceptable behavior is so hard. I never knew that months of teaching your child something could be taken away with one afternoon playing with the wrong influence. And I'm not even saying this child is a bad influence...I'm just starting to notice how differently, in a bad way, Asher acts when they play together. And I don't want to separate them. But how do I rectify the issue? How do I teach Asher that he can play with his friend but not emulate him?

I don't want a perfect child. I just want him to be a child. I want him to enjoy his childhood and never feel pressured. I've never boast about how talented or smart my child is. I think that sets them up for failure and it drives wedges between friends. I don't need to know how many colors your child knows or that they can count...every one learns things at different stages. Your child isn't brilliant. Face it, he's a normal child. I'm not going to push my child into school or sports or anything just because someone else thinks I should. I just want him to enjoy his childhood, his innocence. I'm a pretty laid back mom. But I'm not OK with him acting like a
neanderthal either. Even at 2 1/2. I've realized lately that with him, I really need to be more strict in the discipline department because I can see him pushing his boundaries and testing me. When I ask him to come, he walks the other way. And I see other kids doing this too. Older kids...and I've realized, that will be Asher of I don't stop this behavior now. But it's so hard. He's still such a young little boy. How much do you push? How much should I expect. I have a very energetic child...can I expect him to drop everything and come to me when I call? I don't think so...but how do I find the middle ground and how do I separate one child's actions from my child's?

Sorry, so many questions. I guess I just have a ton on my mind and I needed to mentally vomit them all out here. I love being a parent. I love being a parent to Asher. But man it's hard. Trying to make the best choices for your children while making your household a safe and happy haven is hard. I now fully understand mama guilt!

baby boy update

01 November 2010

I had another ultrasound this morning and everything looks great. He's big. He's measuring about a week older than he actually is. Which because I know when we conceived, I know he's just a big boy...have you seen his brother lately!?!...so that means 1 thing, he getting a ton of blood and nutrients! That is a good thing. The cord must be big and open and so he's nice and healthy. It's reassuring.

In saying that, I'm still a basket-case. I've been using my doppler all the time. This kiddo is an active mover, but then out of nowhere, he will turn quiet. Moving here and there minimally. It freaks me out. I'm checking for movement and blood hourly and I worry about Asher pressing too hard on my belly. I just can't wait for February.

I've been kinda frustrated with the perinatologist I saw a few months back. He told me something completely different that what he told my doc. He told me that
at 24 weeks I'll start having weekly bio-physical profiles through at least 28 weeks. If the profiles show stress on the baby, I will be given steroids to move the baby's growth along and then deliver as soon as we can. What he told my doctor was that I was to get monthly ultrasounds through 28 weeks. period. So I guess one at 24 and one at 28. He then wanted me to go through, I believe, monthly non-stress tests. Thankfully my doctor rocks and changed his recommendation to bi-weekly ultrasounds from 23 - 28 weeks . It just seems so strange to me...why tell me something so differently than my doc? I just feel blessed to have the doctor I have. I know she truly cares not only for me and the health of this baby, but for my mental well-being as well. So, I'll have an ultrasound at 28 weeks and then she wants another at 32 weeks, which is another high stillbirth week. And then I think we'll start the non-stress tests.

So there it is. I'm currently 1 day shy of 27 weeks. 1 week shy of when we lost Jorai. It'll be a stressful few weeks, but I can do this...I can do this...