one week

in less than 2 hours it will have been a week since i gave birth to our daughter. i know it's only been a week, but there are still times i think this has all just been a bad nightmare. then i look down a see my belly. smaller and lifeless. i look at my ankles and see that they're pretty again. which although is a nice sight, i'd do anything to have my cankles back. i can wear my engagement ring again. there's still too much swelling for my wedding band but at least i can wear one of my 2 rings. but again, i'd rather be a bloated mess, then lifeless.

that's what it feels like when you lose a baby after carrying her for over 7 months. empty. i was so looking forward to giving birth and getting my body back, drinking a nice glass of red wine and eating all the tuna i wanted to. but it's all empty now because i was looking forward to taking Jorai out for walks to get back in shape. my life was going to be with her. all of my plans involved her. so although i'm getting my body back and my breathing and sciatica has improved, what's it for?

i catch a reflection of myself in the mirror and have to do a double take. i have this little pooch, but no belly. no baby. i look down and see my feet. i touch my belly as i've done so much over the past 7 months and feel nothing but softness. why did this happen? can we go through this again? God help me. help us. i'm empty and i hate it. i want to bulldoze Jorai's room but i think that would devastate me more.

what can i do? what can i say? how can i get my life back? nothing will ever be the same. God, i miss her. i know your loving arms are wrapped tightly around her, but i want the arms wrapped around her to be mine. i want them to be steve's. maybe i'm selfish but i honestly don't care. i can't believe how many parents have to go through this. why do we all have to go through it? why so many? why do you allow this? i want to be understanding and i want to trust in You, but i'm pissed off and i want you to know it. i know i sound like a little selfish girl but this is so drastically unfair. Why do you all ow this to happen to on many?

we did everything 'right'. i ate right. amazingly right, with the exception of large amounts of ice cream. i hardly tool any medications, not even for headaches. i took my asthma medication and tums. i exercised a bit...ok, maybe not that much..but a bit at least. i didn't lift anything heavy, i didn't smoke or drink. i went to all of my appointments and did everything as natural and organic as i could. yet still You allowed her to be taken.

i'm so empty. please help me Father. please help me.