naked.
I haven't been blogging as much as I'd like. The reason is because I feel like people are going to start thinking that I'm just complaining. In my own thoughts, I think that people who've never gone through this hell, will be thinking 'Come on...get over it already...why are you always looking at the negative.'. And maybe I'm wrong...I probably am. But even I, feel like I'm judging too much..complaining too much. But I just can't stop. I know I should be happy enough with my healthy little spitfire boy. I should be content and be OK with him being our only child. And maybe I will...but right now, I just keep thinking about my pregnancy. I think about the fact that I'd be 28 weeks today. 28 weeks is a milestone for us. I would be in my 3rd trimester. I keep thinking about what I'd be doing to Selah's room...now back to just being the guest bedroom. I think about all my pregnant friends...how they're getting ready to birth their children or just having to go look for maternity clothes...and as happy as I am for them, I'm sad too. They still have the happiness and joy that comes from being pregnant. I just have the empty, saggy belly and all too tight clothes.
And I'm probably just noticing it more but, why is it that I keep seeing all the 'mother of the year' award winners out and about. I want to scream at them and try to get them to understand what they have...why can't they see it. Tonight at Kroger I witnessed a mother yell at her daughter to walk closer to her...and then not 30 seconds later as she was walking closer...the mom grabber her by the scruff of her collar and drug her even closer. I wanted to punch the lady. And if you know me...that would never happen. As a freshman in high school, I was once told by a senior girl that she wanted to beat me up...my response? 'go ahead...it's not like I could fight back.'. I just don't fight. I don't have the skills or the want to physically hurt someone...but tonight, I did...not really...but I wanted to.
I keep going back to the question 'why me?' 'why do you give so and so 1,2,6,12, 19 babies yet you take 2 of mine from me?'. And I know this question will get me no where...but I keep going there. Person after person are having children. Celebrity this and that are popping them out all the time. I can't escape the news. And it just sucks. I don't want to hear it anymore. I was asked the other day if many of my friends were pregnant. Why was I asked that? Who would think that would be a good question to ask a person who just delivered a dead baby a month ago? I just don't get it.
I don't know. I'm doing well. I really am. I wake up happy and I go to bed happy. I'm starting to pray...kind of...I'm really doing OK...but I have to admit that within each day, I think about Selah and my pregnancy and I morn. Every time I leave my house I wonder what people think when they see me. Because I see someone different. And I notice people looking...they;re probably just looking to look...but in my eye, they see my sorrow, they wonder what happened to me. I used to love walking into the room with my little round tummy. Now I hate to be seen in public without it. It's not a vanity thing...I just feel naked without Selah inside of me. I know it sounds bizarre, but that's how I heel. naked. empty.
I don't know. I just don't know. I know all of these feelings don't help me. I know I need to focus on the positives. I know I need to look 'forward' to our genetic tests and the (hopefully) knowledge of what we can do to carry a baby to term. But it's just so damn hard. I just miss my girls. It's so hard to see others be happy in their pregnancy and know that they will probably deliver healthy, happy babies prior to and after Selah's due date...just as I did with Jorai...and then see them grow and laugh and become their own little people. ugh...but it's wonderful and I'm so happy for my friends...but it's always there. always. I'll look at them and think 'wow...Selah would be doing this' And as each day closes and my 'due date' creeps into view, all I can see is lost dreams. Lost hope. I miss Selah. I just miss her so much. I wish I could hold her all too light body in my arms again. I wish I could kiss her cold little toes again. I just miss her so. I miss her.
And I'm probably just noticing it more but, why is it that I keep seeing all the 'mother of the year' award winners out and about. I want to scream at them and try to get them to understand what they have...why can't they see it. Tonight at Kroger I witnessed a mother yell at her daughter to walk closer to her...and then not 30 seconds later as she was walking closer...the mom grabber her by the scruff of her collar and drug her even closer. I wanted to punch the lady. And if you know me...that would never happen. As a freshman in high school, I was once told by a senior girl that she wanted to beat me up...my response? 'go ahead...it's not like I could fight back.'. I just don't fight. I don't have the skills or the want to physically hurt someone...but tonight, I did...not really...but I wanted to.
I keep going back to the question 'why me?' 'why do you give so and so 1,2,6,12, 19 babies yet you take 2 of mine from me?'. And I know this question will get me no where...but I keep going there. Person after person are having children. Celebrity this and that are popping them out all the time. I can't escape the news. And it just sucks. I don't want to hear it anymore. I was asked the other day if many of my friends were pregnant. Why was I asked that? Who would think that would be a good question to ask a person who just delivered a dead baby a month ago? I just don't get it.
I don't know. I'm doing well. I really am. I wake up happy and I go to bed happy. I'm starting to pray...kind of...I'm really doing OK...but I have to admit that within each day, I think about Selah and my pregnancy and I morn. Every time I leave my house I wonder what people think when they see me. Because I see someone different. And I notice people looking...they;re probably just looking to look...but in my eye, they see my sorrow, they wonder what happened to me. I used to love walking into the room with my little round tummy. Now I hate to be seen in public without it. It's not a vanity thing...I just feel naked without Selah inside of me. I know it sounds bizarre, but that's how I heel. naked. empty.
I don't know. I just don't know. I know all of these feelings don't help me. I know I need to focus on the positives. I know I need to look 'forward' to our genetic tests and the (hopefully) knowledge of what we can do to carry a baby to term. But it's just so damn hard. I just miss my girls. It's so hard to see others be happy in their pregnancy and know that they will probably deliver healthy, happy babies prior to and after Selah's due date...just as I did with Jorai...and then see them grow and laugh and become their own little people. ugh...but it's wonderful and I'm so happy for my friends...but it's always there. always. I'll look at them and think 'wow...Selah would be doing this' And as each day closes and my 'due date' creeps into view, all I can see is lost dreams. Lost hope. I miss Selah. I just miss her so much. I wish I could hold her all too light body in my arms again. I wish I could kiss her cold little toes again. I just miss her so. I miss her.
Comments
You and I both know that the more pressure you put on yourself to "act" a certain way, the worse you feel. You know that I have kind of overcome that by having a private blog where I air it ALL with people who have gone through similar...so I don't have to make apologies.
Allow yourself to feel that stuff - get it out there...on this blog, or in your own personal journal. Just get it out there. You are honoring your own healing when you do that. When I was pregnant with Lucy and the doctors were sure she was going to die I was a teacher in a very poor school district. I saw that same type of thing - mom with 7 kids who didn't care about any of them...made my blood boil. Still does.
Yes, I *get* feeling like you are complaining too much...looking at the mother who has to write 19 blog posts about how her son got stitches and she doesn't think she'll ever recover. puh-LEASE. Sometimes I think that if other people had to deal with the crap I've had to deal with they would totally and completely wilt. It makes me angry, but it also makes me proud...
You're one tough cookie, and God aint finished with you yet. I guess all this is to say that I encourage you to continue being honest. Your honesty is compelling and encouraging to me. And I know I'm not the only one who feels that way.
Through is the only way out.
'Through is the only way out.'
I like that...but can't I just blow a hole through this darkness and get the hell out? That would be so much easier...I think we should invent something.