sweet spot

i've been reading and struggling for the past few weeks...so this may take a few words to get out.

#1 My reading: for a great read and to go with the ONE service Riv did on the 9th, go get The Gutter by Craig Gross (pastor at XXX Church). what a great book to get ya off your duff and into the slums of life.

#2 My Struggle: dealing with the internet ~ all it's good things along with all the bad things. which is going well. thanks for asking! but myspace...oye. i love it and hate it. the bulletin board i want to throw out the window. that sweet spot, i'm in constant search for, at times i want to pick up and drop kick...

i was brought up in an extremely strict household. many people know of the discipline i endured...for those of you who don't..it was harsh...which i don't think they meant to be that harsh...but i digress. because of growing up in such a strict household, i didn't dabble into things in high school. not from a lack of wanting too, but more for the fear that if my mom found out, i'd be killed. so i was a good kid. maybe scared into being a good kid.

when i moved out of the house for college (a whole 4 blocks away from my family home!) I went crazy, within 3 days i was dabbling into way too many things...which i won't get into here. but it was kim's crazy time that lasted about 7 years. then the emptiness hit. the emptiness where you think you've found happiness, but it's just an empty happy. you walk through the emotions of being happy but you're really just holding onto threads and then the threads frey and although you're still hanging on, the threads aren't attached to anything. so you fall to that rocks and hit bottom. it's only then that you realize just how yucky your life is.

so why am i saying this? In 2003, God had to crush everything around me, so that i may open my eyes to Him. to truly see Him. i never knew Him. i never cared. i believed there was a higher power, but that's where it ended. i didn't care to give it much more thought. but in 2003, i saw Him and these past 3 years, have been amazing, amazingly easy and amazingly hard.

amazing to see how my life has changed, everything is new, i feel a joy i have never had. God has completely changed my life. i love it.

amazing easy to give, to let go of past hang ups and hurts. easy to turn my cheek to past indulgences (with a few exceptions)..but also

amazingly difficult to find that sweet spot in life. the one where you have to live in the world but not be of it. to separate myself from indulgences but only enough so i don't fall into then, while not so much as to cut all ties so that i may not be able to help others. things like drugs, porn, filthy language (yes i had a mouth)...

i just find that at times, i'm trying to get too close or trying to get too far away. i keep trying to find that sweet spot. but maybe it'll be a lifelong battle. getting into the gutter to help others but not staying to long for you know how easy it would be to stay.

ohhh, thanks, i've been thinking about that for a while...thanks for listening.


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