suicide
**mood: wrecked
**noise: my heart
it's been over 12 years since a friend of mine put a gun to his head. the first 5 years or so were hard. i thought of him daily at first. i couldn't stop...then the daily went to weekly then monthly. i still think of him often, but lately he's been on my mind. 12 years and he's still there. maybe it's guilt for not being as close to him that last year. maybe if college life didn't consume me, i'd be around more for him. maybe i'd be able to see the 'warning' signs. maybe it's this growing person within me that brings up all these emotions, or maybe i just miss him. i don't know. but these tears keep coming. yesterday a person i work with made the gesture of putting a gun in his mouth, and although i've seen him do it before, this time it bothered me enough to tell him not to do it around me anymore. just a few days ago steve and i were talking about how his death bothered me and what torture it would have been to be the one who found him. and today, out of no where, i ran into a picture of jeff on myspace. you see, he's still here. people still can't get him out of their hearts and minds. after 12 years, people are still trying to heal.
he did have it rough. so rough that there were times that even at 16, i wanted to walk through his parents door swinging for both him and his brother. but what makes a person like that give up. everyone loved him. jeff made you laugh, he was talented beyond his years and had his whole life ahead of him. i'll never forget that call i got from his brother telling me he was gone. it was surreal. i felt as if i were in a dream. i didn't know what to say. it didn't hit for a few weeks what really happened. and now over 12 years have passed and it still feels like a dream. people still can't let go. i don't think i ever will. jeff has a grip on me that will never let go. times like this suck. yet at the same time i relish them, because in a way, it makes me feel close to him once again.
**noise: my heart
it's been over 12 years since a friend of mine put a gun to his head. the first 5 years or so were hard. i thought of him daily at first. i couldn't stop...then the daily went to weekly then monthly. i still think of him often, but lately he's been on my mind. 12 years and he's still there. maybe it's guilt for not being as close to him that last year. maybe if college life didn't consume me, i'd be around more for him. maybe i'd be able to see the 'warning' signs. maybe it's this growing person within me that brings up all these emotions, or maybe i just miss him. i don't know. but these tears keep coming. yesterday a person i work with made the gesture of putting a gun in his mouth, and although i've seen him do it before, this time it bothered me enough to tell him not to do it around me anymore. just a few days ago steve and i were talking about how his death bothered me and what torture it would have been to be the one who found him. and today, out of no where, i ran into a picture of jeff on myspace. you see, he's still here. people still can't get him out of their hearts and minds. after 12 years, people are still trying to heal.
he did have it rough. so rough that there were times that even at 16, i wanted to walk through his parents door swinging for both him and his brother. but what makes a person like that give up. everyone loved him. jeff made you laugh, he was talented beyond his years and had his whole life ahead of him. i'll never forget that call i got from his brother telling me he was gone. it was surreal. i felt as if i were in a dream. i didn't know what to say. it didn't hit for a few weeks what really happened. and now over 12 years have passed and it still feels like a dream. people still can't let go. i don't think i ever will. jeff has a grip on me that will never let go. times like this suck. yet at the same time i relish them, because in a way, it makes me feel close to him once again.
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