at the edge
**mood: broken
**noise: some phil collins song coming from the next office over
i'm struggling with a relationship that i want to nurture so desperately yet give up on at the same time. i try and try again, yet i feel as if each time i try, i come back exhausted and frustrated and wanting to give up even more. how do you not give up on someone when it's the only way you feel you can protect yourself. what if this person hurts you over and over again and makes you feel as if it's all your fault? what if the person is a member of your family? what do you do? i look at other people relationships and i'm envious. i long to have that kind of relationship. i would do anything to feel love from this person. yet each time i let my guard down, i'm disappointed and thrown back to square one.
so where do i go? what do i do? i feel i have to keep trying, yet 90 percent of the time i try, i get crushed. how do you continue to show love to someone who doesn't show you any love? someone who just dished out sarcasm, guilt trips, sibling rivalry, and picks fights at each turn.
i keep looking at the way Christ treated those you hated Him. how in the world did He do it? where do i find the patience and compassion He showered down to others? How do i emanate that, when all i want to do is say how i feel, run away to a distant land and never speak to her again? when i've tried to talk to her about my feelings she gets mad and ignores me for the next month or two until i somehow make it back into her graces again. so talking certainly doesn't help. or at least the words i choose don't help. Christ always had these amazing cutting statements that were said in love yet still cut to the bone. how do i find those words?
i pray desperately that i never treat our children like this. i pray that all of our children feel my love and support for them every day of their lives. i pray that we never pit one of our children against the other and that all of them are loved equally and they know and feel it every day.
i don't know. i'm hurt. i'm tired. i don't want to try anymore. but i feel i have to and that sucks. i realize that i'll never have that relationship i want because i'm not the person she wants me to be. i'm me and that's not good enough. it's just a hard bite to chew at times. and on days like this, personally, i don't want to be compassionate. i want to give up and cut all ties. i wish i were more like Christ instead of a blubbering, weak little girl.
**noise: some phil collins song coming from the next office over
i'm struggling with a relationship that i want to nurture so desperately yet give up on at the same time. i try and try again, yet i feel as if each time i try, i come back exhausted and frustrated and wanting to give up even more. how do you not give up on someone when it's the only way you feel you can protect yourself. what if this person hurts you over and over again and makes you feel as if it's all your fault? what if the person is a member of your family? what do you do? i look at other people relationships and i'm envious. i long to have that kind of relationship. i would do anything to feel love from this person. yet each time i let my guard down, i'm disappointed and thrown back to square one.
so where do i go? what do i do? i feel i have to keep trying, yet 90 percent of the time i try, i get crushed. how do you continue to show love to someone who doesn't show you any love? someone who just dished out sarcasm, guilt trips, sibling rivalry, and picks fights at each turn.
i keep looking at the way Christ treated those you hated Him. how in the world did He do it? where do i find the patience and compassion He showered down to others? How do i emanate that, when all i want to do is say how i feel, run away to a distant land and never speak to her again? when i've tried to talk to her about my feelings she gets mad and ignores me for the next month or two until i somehow make it back into her graces again. so talking certainly doesn't help. or at least the words i choose don't help. Christ always had these amazing cutting statements that were said in love yet still cut to the bone. how do i find those words?
i pray desperately that i never treat our children like this. i pray that all of our children feel my love and support for them every day of their lives. i pray that we never pit one of our children against the other and that all of them are loved equally and they know and feel it every day.
i don't know. i'm hurt. i'm tired. i don't want to try anymore. but i feel i have to and that sucks. i realize that i'll never have that relationship i want because i'm not the person she wants me to be. i'm me and that's not good enough. it's just a hard bite to chew at times. and on days like this, personally, i don't want to be compassionate. i want to give up and cut all ties. i wish i were more like Christ instead of a blubbering, weak little girl.
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On another totally unrelated note, I got netflix a couple of weeks ago and started watching Lost. The show is so well written, I am hooked, and I immediately thought of you ;)
I am a mother of 4 children. Sometimes I sense that they don't feel that I love them (or that I loved them when they were younger and being molded), I do love them so much. After many years though of different struggles it is difficult to show. One of my children and I (who no longer lives with me)just can't get along, she can't respect me as her mother, it is just her nature, her way, but it is hard for me to live with that, and she is drama, drama, drama all of the time and I gravitate towards what is peaceful and calm but I love her so much, so much! My son and I have a very indifferent relationship, he has pride, and has been hurt a lot during his young life but now (at 17 yrs) it seems awkward for me to show him much affection, I feel like the best that I can do is to not cause any drama or conflict in his life. I hope this shed some light on the subject. As for me and my Mom, sister, brother (me being 39) our relationships are all indifferent and I wish it had turned out differently but that's how it has always been.