1 month
i can't believe it's been 1 month since we lost Jorai. last night was the first night that i felt somewhat normal. we went to church for the 3rd time since Jorai passed, but last night, it felt different. with the exception of the looks i still see behind me from folks that don't know how to approach us and the woman who asked how much longer i had left. (ok, this was the second person...do i honestly still look pregnant?!?), it felt like a normal saturday night. then we went to dinner with friends and to brandon's amazing bonfire. we had great conversations and it honestly felt normal. i wasn't hurting. i wasn't tired by having too much human interaction. i was me. it felt nice.
it's been a month...i was pregnant for over 7 months and within 2 days we got the horrific news and i birthed our little girl. for the past month i've gone through a hell i wish no one had to endure. but it's been a month and i'm still breathing. i'm laughing. i've made wonderfully dear friends through this, i've learned amazing amounts about endurance and faith, loss and pain, acceptance and most importantly, love. i've learned that i have no control. only God has control. i can eat the most organic of foods, take minimal medications, stay away from as many carcinogens as possible...be the most careful i can be with a child growing within me and God may still decide to keep my child. i can hope and dream and pray, yet God may have different plans for us. and although i may scream out and swear at Him, i have to hold tight to Him for only He can truly provide. only He can love me as He does. only He knows the path i need to take. as much as i would like to write my own story and never endure this pain, i don't know squat.
look at all i've lost though this mess. look at all of our hopes and dreams that were wrapped up in Jorai that were squashed. look at the empty crib in the finished nursery. look at our house, filled with baby items, now only to collect dust. look at the pregnancy and childcare books now stuffed in a closet. look at all the love we had now dusted with sorrow...
yet look at all the lessons we've learned. look at how many people Jorai has touched. look at all the people God has moved through our loss. look at the friendships that God has created and matured since our loss. look at our hope, it's been resurrected. look at our faith, it's been tested and stood strong. look at my anger and frustration at God, it was tested(in abundant amounts), and yet i pushed back, i found peace. look at our hopes, new dreams are popping up. look at all of these things. how awesome is our God.
i forget where i got this, but i've had it for over 3 years. i came across it today and it hit me hard.
steve and i have decided to try for another child. it's exciting yet incredibly scary for me. if we get pregnant, it would be so amazingly wonderful. wow. to know that God has blessed us with another child. to feel my body change again. to hope and dream about a little steve and kim running around the house. i would be elated. but what if. what if this happens again? would i be able to live through another loss? could i endure this again? i know i need to push these fears aside. i know i need to look at the cross and trust in His will, but can i? can i fully do that? i want to. i really do. i want to focus on God. i want to know that His will is good. but can i? i also want to carry, birth and raise steve's child. i want for us to be a family. how do i fully give every thing up to God? i can honestly say that i want to, but i also have no idea how to do it.
please continue to pray for me and everyone who has gone through this kind of loss. especially pray for those who don't have God in their lives. because without God, i can't even begin to imagine where i'd be.
now go and hug your spouse, hug your children and your families and be thankful for what you have and the trails you've gone through. praise God for them. because, although trials suck, you wouldn't be the person you are today without the trails you've had to face.
i love you all so much.
it's been a month...i was pregnant for over 7 months and within 2 days we got the horrific news and i birthed our little girl. for the past month i've gone through a hell i wish no one had to endure. but it's been a month and i'm still breathing. i'm laughing. i've made wonderfully dear friends through this, i've learned amazing amounts about endurance and faith, loss and pain, acceptance and most importantly, love. i've learned that i have no control. only God has control. i can eat the most organic of foods, take minimal medications, stay away from as many carcinogens as possible...be the most careful i can be with a child growing within me and God may still decide to keep my child. i can hope and dream and pray, yet God may have different plans for us. and although i may scream out and swear at Him, i have to hold tight to Him for only He can truly provide. only He can love me as He does. only He knows the path i need to take. as much as i would like to write my own story and never endure this pain, i don't know squat.
look at all i've lost though this mess. look at all of our hopes and dreams that were wrapped up in Jorai that were squashed. look at the empty crib in the finished nursery. look at our house, filled with baby items, now only to collect dust. look at the pregnancy and childcare books now stuffed in a closet. look at all the love we had now dusted with sorrow...
yet look at all the lessons we've learned. look at how many people Jorai has touched. look at all the people God has moved through our loss. look at the friendships that God has created and matured since our loss. look at our hope, it's been resurrected. look at our faith, it's been tested and stood strong. look at my anger and frustration at God, it was tested(in abundant amounts), and yet i pushed back, i found peace. look at our hopes, new dreams are popping up. look at all of these things. how awesome is our God.
i forget where i got this, but i've had it for over 3 years. i came across it today and it hit me hard.
before you were born, God planned this moment in your life. it is no accident. God longs for you to discover the life He created you to live, here on earth, and forever in eternity. it's not about you. the purpose of your life is far greater than your own personal fulfillment, your piece of mind, or even your happiness. it's far greater than your family, your career, or even your wildest dreams and ambitions. if you want to know why you were placed on this planet, you must begin with God. you were born by His purpose and for His purpose. You were made by God and for God and until you understand that, life will never make sense.wowza! that pretty much sums it up, doesn't it. crappy things happen here on earth, yet it's the crap that makes our faith stronger. i hate what we've had to endure. i hate that our baby girl, our beautiful daughter, our child, that we dreamt about and hoped for and prayed for and loved, is not here with us. i hate that we had to hold our child, lifeless and cold. i hate that we'll never hear her laugh or cry or talk. we'll never get to hug her or hold her or kiss her. we'll never have that. but what we do have is love. love for Jorai, love for God and love for others. we have the wisdom of this experience. we have the faith that we'll see her again and that until then, the faith that she's living in up with God and Jayden and our family and friends. we have each other and our friends. and we have life to live and God's will to live out. help me to remember these things when the sorrow hits again. help me to remember this, when the tears have stained my cheeks and my world seems blurry and meek. help me to see the light, when the darkness seems to be closing in.
steve and i have decided to try for another child. it's exciting yet incredibly scary for me. if we get pregnant, it would be so amazingly wonderful. wow. to know that God has blessed us with another child. to feel my body change again. to hope and dream about a little steve and kim running around the house. i would be elated. but what if. what if this happens again? would i be able to live through another loss? could i endure this again? i know i need to push these fears aside. i know i need to look at the cross and trust in His will, but can i? can i fully do that? i want to. i really do. i want to focus on God. i want to know that His will is good. but can i? i also want to carry, birth and raise steve's child. i want for us to be a family. how do i fully give every thing up to God? i can honestly say that i want to, but i also have no idea how to do it.
please continue to pray for me and everyone who has gone through this kind of loss. especially pray for those who don't have God in their lives. because without God, i can't even begin to imagine where i'd be.
now go and hug your spouse, hug your children and your families and be thankful for what you have and the trails you've gone through. praise God for them. because, although trials suck, you wouldn't be the person you are today without the trails you've had to face.
i love you all so much.
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Still praying.