a change
grief is such a strange journey. your up one minute, down the next, laughing then crying, you see the good in your loss but then you don't care about the good because all you want is your loss. it's a constant change. your emotions are all over the place. and i think it may be the worst with the death of a child after birth, because you have all the postpartum juices flowing and crashing all over the place, and then your grief emotions are lathered on top. i have so many hormones and emotions crashing around this tired old body. i truly feel sorry for my amazingly caring and wonderful husband. in a way i feel manic. joking around with him one minute but then hardly able to speak through my sobs the next.
and what's up with the grief process that makes you want change? is this typical or just me? after my breakdown yesterday i realized that i had to do something or i may punch a hole in the wall...and as i looked around the house, i realized that i needed change. so i changed it. i rearranged the living room. ever since we lost Jorai i wanted to change me. my appearance...what i really want to do is dye my hair black and add bright red streaks. but i think that may be just a tad bit too drastic. so i decided to just add some blonde and red highlights and lowlights, or maybe dye it red with blonde highlights. that would be cool...but then i watched the lake house with sandra bullock...well i liked her style too...but it's short. not super short, but above the shoulders short...i was surprised to find out that steve liked the look...but again, it's a bit drastic. but something in me finds doing something drastic, healing. whether is chopping off all my hair or dying it black...it's kind of an outward sign of my grieving.
when i look into the mirror, i still think i'll see Jorai in the reflection. i think i'll see a protruding belly, but instead i see a flabby one. i think i'll see those huge breasts that i couldn't wait to lose, but instead i see their smaller version. i see the old me, yet i still think that 'll be staring at the pregnant me. the me where had a living child. but it's not the reflection i see. now, all i have remaining from the old me is a brown line running up my belly and my last glands of Montgomery is slowly scabbing off. i want to transform the old me. i don't want to see her any longer. i want her to change. i want to transform my body. i want my belly to look completely different, my legs, my arms. i want to look at them and not see the old me. i want to change my appearance. i want to dye and/or cut my hair. i want to see someone else in the mirror. is that wrong of me?
what should i do with my hair tomorrow...keep it long and dye it or chop it all off? the old me thinks...well, if i chop it all off, that means i'll have to do something with it the morning, instead of just jumping out of the shower and taking off. if i dye it black...i'll definitely have up keep to keep it black, since i'm a rusty blonde...the easiest option would be to dye it red and put in blonde streaks...but then i think, black with red would sure be cool and chopping off all my hair would be a fun change too...oye...i need help. what do you think?
and what's up with the grief process that makes you want change? is this typical or just me? after my breakdown yesterday i realized that i had to do something or i may punch a hole in the wall...and as i looked around the house, i realized that i needed change. so i changed it. i rearranged the living room. ever since we lost Jorai i wanted to change me. my appearance...what i really want to do is dye my hair black and add bright red streaks. but i think that may be just a tad bit too drastic. so i decided to just add some blonde and red highlights and lowlights, or maybe dye it red with blonde highlights. that would be cool...but then i watched the lake house with sandra bullock...well i liked her style too...but it's short. not super short, but above the shoulders short...i was surprised to find out that steve liked the look...but again, it's a bit drastic. but something in me finds doing something drastic, healing. whether is chopping off all my hair or dying it black...it's kind of an outward sign of my grieving.
when i look into the mirror, i still think i'll see Jorai in the reflection. i think i'll see a protruding belly, but instead i see a flabby one. i think i'll see those huge breasts that i couldn't wait to lose, but instead i see their smaller version. i see the old me, yet i still think that 'll be staring at the pregnant me. the me where had a living child. but it's not the reflection i see. now, all i have remaining from the old me is a brown line running up my belly and my last glands of Montgomery is slowly scabbing off. i want to transform the old me. i don't want to see her any longer. i want her to change. i want to transform my body. i want my belly to look completely different, my legs, my arms. i want to look at them and not see the old me. i want to change my appearance. i want to dye and/or cut my hair. i want to see someone else in the mirror. is that wrong of me?
what should i do with my hair tomorrow...keep it long and dye it or chop it all off? the old me thinks...well, if i chop it all off, that means i'll have to do something with it the morning, instead of just jumping out of the shower and taking off. if i dye it black...i'll definitely have up keep to keep it black, since i'm a rusty blonde...the easiest option would be to dye it red and put in blonde streaks...but then i think, black with red would sure be cool and chopping off all my hair would be a fun change too...oye...i need help. what do you think?
Comments
i'm all for random changes in appearance & hair is a good option. it's just hair: if you cut it, it will grow back; if you dye it & don't like the color, you can change it. cutting it is kinda fun- i went from middle of my back long to pixie short the day after my wedding. even though it's just hair, it does change the way you perceive yourself & you attitude at times. so- while black is edgy, i'm just concerned it may fuel dark feelings. red streaks may be fun & offset that darkness though. anyway, just my 2 cents. have fun with whatever you decide!!
B) The black is good for grief, but may not be percieved that way.
C) If you're serious about changing jobs, less drastic is good. I just got told to cut mine by a corprate type. Not gonna do it though.:)
D) My hairdresser down here in Cincy just did the move from red to black and did hot pink streaks. It's arty, but not in a good way. And she had to start wearing makeup to not look deathly ill.
That's my .02. Good luck at the hairdresser!