anger in grief

since we lost Jorai, i've had a really hard time with anger and crazy bouts of emotions. they still haunt me at times. i blow up at little things and get really frustrated at God. i yell at Him a lot. not really in a 'how could you' way, but more of a 'why' and 'can ya just give me a reprieve' kind of way. but still i hate the fact that i'm yelling at the one Man who will love me and never leave my side, the one Man whom i put all of my faith and love into. it's that weird double sided sword of i love you yet am mad at you at the same time kind of feeling. and that scares me. i question if my faith is strong enough, if i have that superficial trust in God that i can't stand in other believers. i worry about these things. but today i read something from a organization call share, who helps those who have gone through a loss like mine.
Your anger may be directed toward God. You may feel that your faith has weakened as you question past strong beliefs. Tell God how you feel and talk to those who can help you explore. Your faith can help you through this time, yet expressing doubts and feelings aids in processing what you are experiencing.
as much as i hate questioning the strength of my faith, this statement makes me remember that by the simple act of genuinely looking at my faith and evaluating it, i know that my faith is strong. and that through my grieving process, i may continually be angry at God at times. and even though others who grieve, don't do this, i shouldn't look at my grieving process and think that i'm doing it incorrectly. for what is grief? doesn't everyone grieve differently. i should be worried if i no longer care if my faith is strong. and i know, that blase attitude will not come into play with my faith. i may at times be angry with God. but even in my anger, i love Him more than life itself and deep down, i know Jorai is in an amazing place and it's just my selfishness and jealousy that i want her here, with me and her father.


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