i've been given a glimpse of what can be, but before i was able to touch it, it was taken away. sometimes i feel like i'm living in a bad joke or just being picked on. i get mad a lot. i get really angry if i'm being honest. i'll have a few really great days and then i wake up one morning and everything feels off. i try all day to get back on the right path. i pray, i call out, i cry, i scream. i do anything i can think of to get God's attention, but it seems as if nothing works. then i feel like a spoiled brat because i can't seem to wait for God to give me the blessings He wants me to have in His timing.

i want so much to be ok with what i have. i want to look at my life and feel blessed, because i am. tremendously. but honestly, some times i don't feel it. i wallow. which sucks. that's not me. i want to live each day to it's fullest, not think of all i've lost and keep throwing away my hope at each turn. this is so hard. i feel so kicked in, trampled down. well, i feel like shit. sorry...but i do. and i want to get over it. but i know it's not a switch i can turn off. i know it's only been 3 months, but it feels like a lifetime.

i'm not pregnant. another month and yet i'm not pregnant. i'm bummed. i yelled at God. i cried. i wallowed. and for what? nothing will change the fact that i'm not pregnant. i've had headaches and exhaustion for about 5 straight days now and i'm not pregnant. so, i need to focus on the future and not what could have been. which is easier than it looks. so i thought i'd give it a go with a few glasses of wine and a motrin. since i'd given both up about a week ago, it will be nice to relax with wine and have a non-throbbing head. and i'm looking forward to visiting wineries on our anniversary which i couldn't have done if i were pregnant.

i hope i can look forward instead of looking back. looking back is not good for me. i feel alone with God being so silent in my life. i wish i could take His face in my hands and force Him to look at me, force Him to speak...but, well...we all know i can't do that...so i guess i'll just stick to prayer.

tiffany gave me scripture the other day to memorize. i need to remember it.

Phillipians 4: 6-7

Don't worry about anything; instead, pray about everything. Tell God what you need, and thank him for all he has done.
If you do this, you will experience God's peace, which is far more wonderful than the human mind can understand. His peace will guard your hearts and minds as you live in Christ Jesus.

Comments

j.elliot said…
one starving musician came by to say: i saved a kid from drowning today and then later got a ticket for a U-turn. God can be eerily silent.

j.e.
ShannaKay said…
Love you!! Miss You!!
Anonymous said…
i am praying for you friend.
sometimes when liam and josie are having a meltdown i hug them and try to console them. this doesn't always work. the times it doesn't, i just have to kind of step back and silently watch them. my love hasn't changed for them one bit, it's just sometimes this is what i have to do to let them work through it. it's not that i am not there for them, they just can't physically feel me...

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